I need to remember that...
but yet, 2 months just went down the drain...literally. I forgot how fast my heart pounds when I purge, it scared me.
Damnit, why can't I get my shit together? What is so wrong with me that this has become my life, my identity? I am so mad at myself and whatever is causing my life to be this way. I am not the type to give up, but tonight I did. And it hurts to think of all the people I have just disappointed. What is causing me to hold back from living a healthy life? Fuck...would I have still turned out this way if I hadn't been abused, if I hadn't lost gymnastics, if I didn't have anxiety issues? I am so angry right now, so angry.
You are who you are because of the things you lived. I had to learn that too. I was and I still sometimes am angry about the way I do things or that sometimes I just don't do things.
ReplyDeleteBut we should be angry at somebody else not at ourselfs.. it's easy to say that.. I haven't actually managed to do so either.
oxo
I know how you feel. I always want to smash a lamp against the wall when I'm feeling so angry about what has happened. But Holly, tomorrow is a new day, it seriously is. I know it sucks, what has happened, I know it's hard, going on every day, but you CAN turn it around. I always think that I've been recovering from the abuse ever since it happened, but really, Ive just been letting it eat me away inside. We have to let ourselves heal. You must treat YOURSELF kindly. It was not your fault. It is so unfair and sad that you lost so much, but you have so much to gain, and you will be so strong and insightful afterwards. I just hope you can be ok. Remember, that anger is good. that's the next step :) <3
ReplyDeleteLittle lapses are to be expected! TRy not to be so hard on yourself, which I know is hard to do. Like Emmy said, today is a new day! Can turn it around. Recovery isn't perfect and personally, I think with all you are dealing with, you are rocking it out!
ReplyDelete