word vomit

"What's the point of wiping tears away in the first place when there's just more overflowing?" -Elaine Lee

I am having an outpouring of emotion. You know when you get really anxious, and you want to cry, but the anxiety keeps you from doing it? I hate that. Well that's how I've felt the past few days. And then yesterday in therapy, taking through the memories, the anxiety is still there, but the crying has started. It keeps coming. Even now, as I'm writing. Writing seems to make it come more. So I will keep writing. I'm not going to escape my emotions tonight. I have been having a hard time grounding myself, to stay in the present, not in the past. I'm in that room on the cold hard floor and he's touching me and doing things to me and it's like I'm frozen, and I can't speak and I can't move. And I wonder, why the hell did I come to this room in the first place with him? I didn't want this shit to happen to me. Yet I continue to take blame and responsibility. I want to forget everything, but maybe remembering would make it easier. It wouldn't be so fragmented and confusing. And this won't go away. I can't let it go now. I'm dealing with it and I need to continue to go through it. My mind has shifted to food. It tends to do that when things get too much. Okay, so what am I really feeling? Intense fear. Hands on the couch, feet on the ground. I am here, in my house. I am safe. I am 22 years old, not 11. The tears have stopped, but oh no, here they come again. I don't understand why he did those things to me. Why he started? Why he stopped? I wish I could fully express what I am feeling right now. I do know this though...If i stop fighting, if I stop remembering, if I stop talking about it and dealing with it...he wins. I can't let that happen. Abuse happens in silence - recovery happens only when that silence is broken