labels

I hate labels. I really do. I used to feel the opposite. I used to feel like I needed a label to make me someone worthwhile. Truthfully, sometimes I still do. But I'm getting better.

Today I had to go to the doctor, because I have been a hot mess with cough, sore throat, etc. Turns out I have a virus and an upper respiratory infection. But that's not the point of this post. While the nurse was taking my vitals, she entered the information into a computer. So on the screen I could see my chart. I could see all my "diagnoses". It was sort of embarrassing. I didn't want the nurse seeing all my problems. I wanted to press the delete button. I didn't want the nurse or the doctor to look at me and see..."Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Eating disorder, History of sexual abuse, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

Because...that's not who I am. I don't want anybody to look at me and have that be all they see.

For the longest time, and still sometimes today, I have not been able to look past those labels. If they were stripped away, who would be underneath? Anyone? Anything? Am I just a shell? A body that is hollow inside? I really don't think I am. I have passions, talents, family, friends, goals, and dreams. But I have allowed my problems over the years to become my identity.

I HAVE to make myself see more than issues, problems, faults, etc. I want to make other people see more than that. Sometimes when I meet someone new, I just want to erase all of that. Make up someone who I'm not. In truth, I am a stronger, better, wiser person because of those "labels". But hey, there is so, so much more to me than that.