I am having the hardest time writing this post. I am not sure why. Today would be considered a success, but I feel confused and left asking more questions than ever.
My mom came to therapy today. I disclosed the abuse to her, but it wasn't as dramatic and intense as I thought it was going to be. And really, it wasn't disclosing anything at all. I didn't tell her anything she didn't already know. It was actually very calm and peaceful. I never used the word abuse. I did not go into details. I asked my mom the questions I have been wanting to. I learned some things about that time that my mom remembers, but I do not. She knows what happened was not consensual. She knows whatever happened was wrong. And for now, that's all she needs to know.
After my mom came into talk, me and my therapist "de-briefed". I felt so relieved. I was so glad it went so well. I don't remember how it came up, but my therapist said something along the lines of..."there will be a time when you no longer have flashbacks, and this no longer consumes your life" I responded with..."there is such a thing???". She answered, "yes. you may have a memory come up from time to time, but you will be able to deal with it and it won't feel like it does now". I honestly did not think that...there is a life without flashbacks. I am serious. But when I think about it...for 10 years I didn't have flashbacks. For 10 years I suppressed it and did not think about it. But at the same time...I did not remember the bulk of the abuse. So...I was just left confused. Like, I have been talking about my abuse in therapy for over a year...does that mean that the flashbacks should be over by now? Does that mean that I need to move on? My therapist said, " You have remembered so many horrible things, and now you have to have power again, take that power back". I believe I have remembered all I am going to remember about the abuse. And yes, the flashbacks are not as frequent or intense as they were a year ago...but where do I go now? Where do I go from here?
I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. Everything about this feels so complicated. I know I have made considerable progress, but I also know I still have a long way to go. But what does that look like, and how do I do it? I have so many questions.
Do I still need to forgive him?
Do I need to visit the place where it happened to have closure?
Do I still need to get so angry at him that I break things?
How do I forgive myself?
When will I cry about it?
Who should I tell?
How long will all of this take?
Le sigh. I am confused.
It's 100% okay yo be confused. That's what therapy is about. To push buttons that make us think about things we never would have wanted to think about but it all makes us stronger in the end. You can do this. You can fight through this. Hang in there! I'm here for you! You can do this!!!
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-LIsa
I ask myself this questions too, but then the last year taught me that things will come whenever I'm ready for it. And all of the things mentioned in your questions will come and you will be alright.
ReplyDeletePatience is the hardest thing about therapy.
Hugs
holly i feel the same way. i just want to know when it will all end and what will happen next. you have made amazing progress, and i think it's just important to let things unravel naturally. if you continue taking care of yourself and talking about it, and not suppressing the memories anymore, i think everything will be ok. i asked my therapist many of those same questions that you asked, and all she had to say was that i need allow myself to feel confused, to feel these things, and that it WILL end...i know...it seems like it never will. but i trust the therapists!
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