Power and Healing.

So today, well yesterday actually (it's 2am). I stopped by to see a very dear friend on my way to work. I have grown close to this person over the past few weeks and I am so thankful to have her in my life. So anyway, I stopped by to see her and have one of our talks (which I always love) and of course to get a hug.

I shared some things with her about my past, things I thought I would take to my grave. Now, I never thought that opening up about my traumatic past and sharing it with someone would make me closer to someone. But it has. I thought it would push people away, push me away. But it has done the opposite. Each time I share a part of my story, a piece of my memory, anything I am feeling...I feel connected to the person. I feel better. I feel less alone and less isolated each and every time. I expected many things in my healing process...but never this. Because I have been able to open up about my traumas, I have grown closer to two very special people in my life. (You know who you are). Today, when I was telling one of them about some of what happened to me...I let everything go. I let go of the shame, the fear, the coldness, and the isolation. I let go and embraced my friend's comfort and loving arms. On her office floor, her holding me, me feeling SAFE and LOVED and NOT ALONE...was so healing to me. I cannot find a better way to describe it than healing. It was amazing. She sent me a text later on telling me how proud she was of me and how much closer she felt towards me. That's when I realized...sharing my story, sharing who I am, and letting go of all the ugly and bad feelings...opens me up to new relationships and healing and hope. I am so glad I am experiencing this.

Another friend shared with me yesterday how she told a group of supportive people about what happened to her in her past, and how freeing and healing it was for her. Today I feel I have experienced the same thing. She encouraged me to do the same thing she had done, and I did.
Thanks Em.

There is so much left in my healing process, but today (okay yesterday) I connected a lot of the pieces for the first time. It wasn't scary. It was safe.

My therapist has said to me a couple times, "By not saying his name, by not speaking up about what he did to you...that gives him the power. But when you speak up, when you remember, share your memories, and talk about it...that is you taking the power back. That is you in control of you and your life."

Today I believed that and FELT it...for the first time.