To be expected

The days after an intense therapy session are always rough, and this is to be expected. I know this. I deal with it often. But it still gets to me. The amount of emotions, and how powerful and overwhelming they are hit me like a truck. I feel depressed and super anxious in the days following therapy.

Today has been especially rough. Even though my anxiety was sky high and consuming, I was able to eat 2 meals today ( I even had dessert at dinner!). So I am proud of myself for that...for fighting my eating disorder. Yes, the thoughts and the voices were there, oh boy were they ever. But I fought through it. I nourished my body and my mind. The fact that I can fight them off, eat when ED is telling me not too, keep my food down when ED is telling me to purge...assures me that I can continue to do that, to keep fighting.

Right now, the anxiety is overwhelming. I feel uncomfortable in my body. I feel unsafe in my body. I feel disgusting. I feel...like I need to break out. I feel like I am trapped inside a skin that is not my own. I need to reconnect with my body. Bubble bath time? I think so.

My mom is coming to therapy next week. I neglected to write about that on my last post. Actually I chose not to. I just did not want to get into it, still really don't. But she is coming, and I'm nervous, but also somewhat excited and relieved? I want to be open with her, and honest (something I am not very good at doing with my mom). I also want to hear her side of things. I just need to figure out which way to approach the session...I have a few different options.

Anyway, I am freezing my ass of sitting here writing this. I need to take a bath, put on my fleece pajamas, put in a Christmas movie, and just...be. It's supposed to snow tonight...I hope it does!

I will leave you with this quote I took from an Alanis Morissette song

"And though who I know who I'm not, I still don't know who I am, but I know I won't keep on playing the victim." - Precious Illusions