despite the dark, there is light.

I just got done making Christmas cookies, putting up ornaments on the family Christmas tree...all while listening to Christmas music. This is SO my favorite time of the year. I have a Christmas-y name (Holly). But no, I wasn't born in December, I was born in July. Anyway, I got pretty emotional doing all of these things today. It reminded me a lot of my childhood. I have so many good memories surrounding this time of year, and for some reason it just got me choked up.

But anyway, last night I promised a positive post today. So here it is.

I was talking with my amazing friend Em last night. We were talking about our struggles, how hard things seem to be for us, and how it just sucks so much. I know...pretty negative sounding right? Wrong. I love talking to this girl, no matter how bad or good things are going. I do not feel alone when I am talking to her. I feel so connected. Ever since Em has been in my life, I have grown so much. I feel like I'm a better person. I know she cares about me so much, and I care about her SO much. It sucks she lives so damn far away, otherwise I think we would be inseparable. She has to come visit me, I mean there is no other option. I have to meet this girl and give her the biggest hug in the world. I feel brave when I talk to Em. I feel strong. I don't feel alone. I feel comforted. I feel loved. I love you Em. I know we can get through this journey together. Even though we are miles apart, I feel as though she is right beside me. I told her last night that she is a part of me, a part of my heart. So true. I meant every word of it.

Someone else in my life who means a lot to me is "K". I have written about her before. Thankfully "K" lives in my town, so she is just a car ride away. I love this woman. Seriously, I have never been this close to someone before and I am in awe of how much she cares about me and wants to be there for me and help me and support me. She is constantly encouraging me to be positive. I find that so hard sometimes, but I am trying...I really am. And I think it's working. I feel inspired by her, by her journey. And I wish I could carry her with me every where I go. As with Em, I feel connected to "K". I feel brave and strong and like I can beat ED and heal from my traumas. How am I so lucky to have two such amazing people in my life? How do I deserve this?

Yesterday was a pretty big day for me. I so desperately wanted to let ED take over and not eat a damn thing all day long. But I ate. I ate two meals. I was hungry, and I listened to that hunger. It was a big deal for me. 99% of the time I completely ignore my hunger. The hunger eventually goes away...because I just ignore it, or eat some anorexic type food. But I ate like a semi normal person yesterday. And even though I was filled with anxiety while eating, even though I really did not like it, or enjoy the food, or even taste it...I ate anyway. So, to me this is big. I just need to be consistent with it. And I somehow need do this every single day until it gets easier, and ED fades away. I can do it.

I think....despite everything I have been through, everything I have done to destroy myself...I am still here. Holly is still inside me somewhere. The girl I was before all of this is not gone, even though I have tried so hard to become someone I'm not. There are pieces of me that remain from when I was 10-11. And along the way, I have found new and exciting pieces of me. Despite the dark and depressing part of my life, there is a light that shines. At times it has faded, but never disappeared. I have to hold on to that light, remember it when things get so bad that I just want to end it and give up. I have the power to be who I truly want to be and am meant to be. No one can fix me or change me. It's up to me. Despite the dark, there is light...no matter what.