I feel a weakness

"It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this. I feel a weakness coming on." - The Walk by Imogen Heap

Well, this post isn't going to be positive. Let me just say that from the beginning. I want it to be, but all I am feeling right now is negativity and frustration. I know I have the power to turn all my negative thoughts into positive ones, and maybe after writing this I will have the energy to do that, but not right now. I apologize if this is depressing, bleak, uninspiring, etc.

A good friend told me today that you can only recover from your eating disorder if you TRULY want to. She is 100% right. It got me thinking though, do I really want recovery? I think I'm on the fence, in between, however you want to say it. I think the healthy part of me wants it more than anything in the world, and knows that it's the right choice to make. But I think the sick, eating disordered part of me wants to hold onto ED as long and as strong as I can. I can't decide which part of me is stronger. Sometimes I hear one voice louder than the other. Today, I am hearing ED...loud and clear. But this also got me thinking (and I know this might sound absurd)...do I really have a problem with food? Instinct says YES. But what if, it's not ED that wants ED....but ME that wants ED? How do you know the difference?

I could go on and on about my eating disordered thoughts, behaviors, rituals, routines, etc. But that does not help. I have dealt with these things for years now. Some of them have lessened, others have gotten stronger. Yes, I have not purged in 3 months, which is the longest I have gone without purging since last Spring. This is progress. I can acknowledge that. But I still am destroying myself with starvation, bingeing, and body image distortion.

I thought today, maybe I need to see my dietitian again. But really, what is she going to tell me that I don't already know? Probably nothing. And even if I did need her, there is no way I could afford it, so I shot that one down right away. I know how to make a meal plan. I know how to eat 3 times a day. I know how to say no to ED. I still have my books and binders and journals from Remuda. I could reference back to them to get back on track, and maybe that is something I will take a look at. I have my knowledge from 7 years of therapy and seeing a dietitian. But when it comes down to it...and this is what sort of scares me...is that it is up to me and only me to say no to ED, and to make the choice to put 100% of myself into recovery. And most of all, I HAVE TO WANT IT. This is not some new revelation. I have known this for years. I know that no one can fix the problem. Yes, I have my therapist, my psychiatrist, the support of my friends to help me when things are hard. But I have to decide for me whether I want this or not.

If I eat 3 times a day, if I nourish my body and mind, if I turn every negative into a positive, if I dedicate myself to RECOVERY...I will be making the right decision, I will be a happier and healthier person, and life will go on. Right? I know this is all true. But damnit, it scares the hell out of me. It really does. I have wrapped myself up in my eating disorder for over 7 years. It has become a part of me, more a part of me that I want it to be. Without my eating disorder, who the fuck am I? Emmy said to me today that the eating disorder thoughts and behaviors are just a symptom of the disorder. What is causing me to fall back into my ED? That answer is easy. I could rattle off a list of things. And I guess I need to address those things...which I am doing. I am working very hard in therapy. But maybe not hard enough.

Each person's journey to recovery and recovering is individual, so it sort of pisses me off when people say, "Well if I can do it, so can you!" Not that anyone has said that to me recently, but when I see that or read that, I just get angry. My journey is my own. I can have influences along the way, but it is my life experiences, and my feelings, and my struggles and achievements that influence me and my life.

Right now the question in my head is...what do I do now? What choice am I going to make? Am I going to hang onto ED, or let it go? I remember a month ago when I decided I really wanted to recover from my eating disorder. But sadly that has slowly broken apart, and I am left in the same place I was before I made that decision. And it just hit me...am I in recovery? Am I truly and fully in recovery? Am I half-assing it? Why can't I just say, "Fuck you ED, I'm going to eat whatever I want to, nourish myself, and better myself and my life."

I do not feel strong when it comes to my eating disorder. I don't feel like I can say those things to it. I feel weak. As crazy as it is, tomorrow may be completely different and I could end up eating regular meals and feeling okay. But the next day, it could all go back to how it is now.

Either way, I feel a war.