Overload.

Right now I really have the urge to write. To put my feelings onto this blog, to express myself, to use my words. And I am going to. It might not make sense. I feel such an abundance of feelings in this moment, and I am not quite sure how to sort it all out and compartmentalize it.

Today was hard. Therapy was so intense, so difficult. Strangely, I was not as anxious about it as I usually am. I had a sort of calmness wash over me when I walked into her office and sat on the couch. I talked of things today that have been haunting me for days now. I put the intense flashbacks into words and as hard and exhausting as it was, I felt better and relieved after letting it out. My therapist asked me a question pertaining to my abuse today. My answer to the question was yes. I am not going to put the question on my blog, because it is too private and also too shameful to share. I know I am not alone in it. But to admit it, to acknowledge it...made it more real. But I guess when you acknowledge something for the first time, it always makes it more real. But with this, I want nothing more than to take an eraser and just say..."no this did not happen". I cannot change it though. I cannot erase it. I can only deal with it now and move forward. I was able to talk about a lot today, memories that is. Some things though, I had to say..."I can't" And that was okay with my therapist, and that was okay with me. Sometimes it is too much and I need to protect myself.

It was a very productive session. I did good work, as my therapist told me. And I believe her, I truly do. I felt a sense of relief and...emotional purge. I came home and my mind and body shut down and I knew that I needed to rest. I was drained. So I crawled under the covers of my bed and instead of closing my eyes and falling asleep right away, I closed my eyes and cried. And cried, and cried. I still am not sure why I cried. I just felt like I needed to. I tried to figure out what I was feeling. Mostly sadness, and loneliness. There was some anger in there too, along with exhaustion and just the feeling of...this really happened to me. It's too much to bear sometimes. The tears streamed down my face and my eye makeup stained my pillows, but I did not care. I was letting out emotion that I force myself to bottle up and deny. I needed to get it out.

Even though I cried for at least a half hour and then slept for 3 1/2 hours. I am still exhausted. And I still feel as though I have a heavy chest. I want to cry more. But I am afraid I will not stop.

At the age of 11, I was experiencing the exact opposite of comfort, love, safety, and compassion. Ever since then I have had a craving for physical comfort, of hugs, of being held. I know it all connects back to 10 years ago. Will it go away? I am a 22 year old woman, but I need someone to hold me. I need you to hold me ( I don't know who I am talking to, am I crazy?)

I could write for hours and hours about how I feel. It is SO much. I mean, really...so much.

I vow to stay positive. To remember tomorrow is a new day, and that I can do this. I will remember to breathe. I will allow myself to feel when it is appropriate. I will reach out for help when I need it. I can do this.

My mind is on overload. Time for a break. Bubble bath and hot tea are calling my name.