detached

I feel so detached from life, from what's happening around me. My brain and my body are two separate parts. I have been having the most intense flashbacks the past few days. They have never been like this. I close my eyes and it's just everywhere. I try and do my grounding, to stay in the present, both feet on the floor, hands on my knees...but it doesn't work like it used to. When it does work, it feels like it takes forever for me to get back to a safe and grounded place. My body has violent trembles and spasms. And then I just start sobbing, but no tears come out. I feel empty inside, an incredible void. I feel alone and unloved. I hurt my body because, well it feels better than what I feel inside.

I am on Day 2 of no cutting and I intend to keep it that way. My therapist told me I have the power to direct my thoughts. I know I do. But what do you do with that anxiety, panic filled, heart racing, I feel like I'm going to die feeling? It comes out of nowhere and hits me like a truck. And the the tapes start playing in my head, and it's like...someone please just put me out of my misery.

I am miserable at one of my jobs, absolutely miserable. I am miserable enough to start applying for other jobs. I hate the gossip there, they way I am treated, the things it reminds me of, the food, the stress, the exhaustion that sets in the moment I walk through the doors. I am done. Today I start applying for new jobs.

I woke up this morning and I did not feel like a 22 year old woman. I felt like an 11 year old little girl. I sat up in my bed and could not move. I could not get my brain to tell my body to get out of bed, shower, and get dressed for work. Somehow I did it. But now I am off to 1 of 2 jobs I have to work today. And how to get through this day? I do not know. I guess to just keep breathing. Deep breaths. That's all I can do. Stay positive, live in the moment, and move forward. I will be okay. I will survive.

I hate this "emergency state" I am in. I want to come back down to earth now.