suck it, anxiety

quote for the day...

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn."

creep

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

updatee

um. um. um. I don't know what to write. My head is in a clusterfuck! I'm trying to...simplify everything? Maybe it doesn't need to be simple though? It would be easier though. Maybe I just need to grow a pair and plow through all of it. What is IT, you may ask?

- The ED. Damnit just eat Holly! I say this to myself all the fucking time. Anxiety lives in the pit of my stomach though, and I am seriously sometimes not hungry. How do you fight the anxiety, the loss of appetite, and eat anyway? I weighed myself today. Good idea? Probably not. I can usually guess my weight without knowing what it actually is, and I was only a pound off (a pound less). I really think that losing 4-5 pounds would not hurt. Other people disagree.
Oh yeah. 2 months purge free!

-Trauma. Don't really feel like taking about it. But know I need to. I wrote a letter to him the other day. Not a letter to send, just a letter to vent.

-Love. Why does it have to hurt?

- Sleeping problems. Not really new. Just irritating. I need my energy for work, and either sleeping not enough or sleeping too much has started to become really exhausting. Scratch that. It already IS exhausting.

- Goals. I have been challenged by someone to make a specific goal. Definitely a good idea. I just need to follow through. I don't want to dissapoint myself, or others. SO the goal is to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones. to be more specific...try and stop feeling scared of the good and undeserving of it. I'm totally up for it. I keep thinking how amazing I will feel if I reach this goal.

That's all for now, I think.

"Don't be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams" <--- I love this.

quotations

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell

I'd hoped that everything I feel about those day-the shame, the fear-would fade. But it hasn't happened. Instead, the things that I remembered, these little details, seem to grow stronger, to the point where I cam feel their weight in my chest. Nothing, sticks with me more than the memory of that dark room, & how the light then took that nightmare & made it real. - Me

"Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong, and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain." - unknown


I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death. --marya hornbacher

He took something from me
I didn't even know that I had
- Ani Difranco-

Peace comes not from the absence of conflict, but from the ability to cope with it.
-unknown

"i understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you." -the holiday

Sometimes it's better to put love into hugs than to put it into words. ~Author Unknown


You've gotta have hope. Without hope life is meaningless. Without hope life is meaning less and less. ~Author Unknown

"I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." -Twloha

"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty... handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
-Juno-

"When I was a little girl I used to look out my bedroom window at the caterpillars. I envied them so much because no matter what they were before, what happened to them, they could just hide away and become these beautiful creatures that fly away completely untouched."
-Patch Adams-

Real doesn't happen all at once." said the Skin Horse. "You become, it takes a long time. That's why it doesn't generally happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because when you are Real you can't be ugly...except to people who don't understand"-The Velveteen Rabit

connection.

Human connection is so important to me. When I've felt so disconnected from myself and the world for so long, it's refreshing and amazing to finally feel connected to someone. I connected with someone tonight. I was vulnerable, said what I felt, what my fears were, what I wanted. And this person...did not scream, did not run away, did not yell at me. Instead, this person listened to me, comforted me, and believed in me. There was a moment during all of this when I thought to myself, "why? am I actually deserving of this? how is he not repulsed by me?" I wanted to pull away, but I just...let go. I let myself feel, and connect. I feel I have a bond with this person, a bond I have never felt before. One of friendship, and closeness....and challenges. My eyes have been opened.

confusion

I'm having a hard time blogging. I just want to avoid.

What is wrong with me?

crush

I've never been in love before, with a person that is. But I think right now I am the closest to being in love that I have ever been. I'm so eager to share it with people, but at the same time, so cautious. This is a very confusing thing for me. For the past several years I have identified myself as a lesbian, however the person I am head over heels for at the moment...is a guy. SO confusing, I know. So am I straight now? or Bi? I don't even know! Ahh!

I never knew there were so many emotions that came along with really liking somebody! It's really intense. The hardest part is, the guy has a girlfriend. A little piece of my heart broke I think...when he told me that. But first and foremost, this guy has become an awesome friend! And I don't want to lose that.

I just got home today from a very relaxing weekend at the river. I went with my parents and their friends and two kids. It sounds boring, but actually was fun. I went tubing (the boat pulling me on a tube going pretty damn fast), took a nap on the hammock. Relaxed in the hot tub. Took boat rides, played with the adorable little kids, and had two days off work!

Today I had 3 full meals. Breakfast, lunch , and dinner. I am feeling very uncomfortable about it and my body image sucks. I know it's a step in the right direction, but I really just feel gross about it right now. My body image has been horrrible lately!

Therapy is this week...got a shit load to talk about. It should be a good and productive session.

So many intense emotions going on. Ahh!

Sorry for the freaking out-ness

some of my fave pictures

feelings

I've been focusing so much on food, weight, my body, over the past week, and have totally been avoiding any feeling about the abuse. My goal for the next two weeks was to "try out" being angry at him. I honestly have purposely avoided doing it, and also forgotten about it. But yesterday, and today...I have been doing better with food, and the abuse has come up. The main feeling that comes up 100% of the time is sadness. An overwhelming sadness. I used to never cry about it, and now I do whenever I think about it. Right now I'm thinking anger in my head. Like, okay get angry. It doesn't come. It makes my stomach hurt thinking about it. And I'm so frustrated right now because...why can't I get angry? I'm supposed to be right? I guess I'm angry that I can't get angry. Does that count? Probably not. I feel confused too. Because sometimes I think I start to get angry..and then I stop myself. I don't know why I do that. I'm so angry at myself. I AM angry, but not for the right reasons, it seems. I keep thinking about that first time...in the empty classroom. I don't think I've ever been so confused in my life. And then I think about that time in the basement...I don't think I've ever been that scared in my life. So when is the anger going to come? I know what I should be angry about...but i can't feel it

struggling

I'm just really having a hard time. I don't even know why. My therapist said to me on the phone today that she thinks I'm doing great. I don't feel it. I feel depressed and anxious.

need to get it together

Blah, I don't know what to write. My thoughts are so jumbled. I'm depressed, and anxious, and all over the place. I am crying every day. I hate that, I really do. Even without therapy every week, I really feel I am doing a lot of work on my own. I am journaling, making realizations on my own, dealing with the memories, the flashbacks. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. It's HARD. The only thing I am having problems with, not doing what I am supposed to be doing...is eating. Well..I mean I am eating...just not enough. My therapist said..."eat 3 times a day, I don't care what you eat, or how much, but just have something 3 times a day" And, it's just so difficult. I think back to when I was at Remuda, how much I ate then (I still think they fed us too much there). And I was able to eat that food (most of the time) and I was able to do it when I got home, and for some time afterwards. But something is stopping me from doing it now. Fear of gaining weight, yes? Of course. Even though my weight is technically stable and healthy, I don't want to gain weight. I realize my metabolism is fucked. I want that to change. I honestly feel I could lose a few pounds and I wouldn't be in any danger. I would still be in my weight range. I know I just have to grow a pair and just eat the stupid food 3 times a day, but I do admit there is a lot of fear holding me back, and I guess I just need to get over that too. *sigh*

My old job, might be able to offer me a part time position hostessing again. That would be awesome! Working two jobs would be exhausting, but I need the money so badly, and to get back to therapy once a week. And this other job could make that happen. I talk to my old boss about it on Wednesday, I will for sure let ya'll know about that.

I'm going to the river this weekend. SO excited. I love the water, I love the sun. I'm going with my family, who I actually enjoy spending time with lately.

The 2010 Visa Gymnastics Championships were this weekend. I am obsessed with gymnastics, I follow it very closely. It made me miss gymnastics so much. It's been 10 years since I had to leave the sport, but sometimes I feel like if I stepped back in to the gym, I could be right back at the level I was when I was 11.

Here is my favorite routine (and gymnast) from this weekend.

Visit beta.gymnastike.org for more Videos

how do you do it

My therapist wants me to eat 3 times a day. I can't seem to do it. I am only getting by eating once a day. I don't even feel hungry. I sleep past breakfast time. I'm scared if I eat I will gain weight. I've eaten 3 times a day before so obviously I can do it again right? But how? I can't find it in me to do it! I need some help with this!

Loneliness

I have felt so lonely lately, emotionally and physically. I feel lonely when I am with people. In truth, I have always been lonely, or felt lonely. I know I have a great support system, but I feel so alone in my emotions and my thoughts. And lately...with my memories. It was just me and him in that basement, and in that empty classroom. I never reached out. I was alone with those memories and those experiences for many years. And even though I am talking about them now and sharing it with a therapist and some close friends, I still feel lonely. Everyone's experience with abuse is individual, and I know for me...it's such a lonely experience. Scary, sad, confusing..yes. But also lonely.

I've never been really close anybody. I think the closest relationship I've had with a person is my old therapist, which was also an unhealthy relationship. I've never had closeness. I crave it. I crave to be held, to sit on a couch and watch a movie with someone sitting beside me, to have a person to call when I am crying and feeling alone. I used to have a best friend, I don't think I do anymore. No one's fault...people just grow apart and in different directions. But it makes me sad.

I've been crying a lot lately...actually letting myself feel emotions...feel loneliness. I don't want to feel that way anymore though, especially when I know it can be fixed. Or can it? Am I incapable of being close with somebody? Sometimes I feel that I am.

super long post

Today, was a draining, emotional, but good day. I had therapy today, for the first time in 2 weeks. When I woke up this morning, I literally jumped out of bed because I was so excited. I felt a little bit of anxiety heading into therapy, but more excitement. It was so good to see my therapist. She later texted me and told me how nice it was to see me too.

We covered a lot in our session today. I talked about how my depression has come back in the past couple of weeks. She said that it makes sense that it's come back, because of the lack of control I have with the whole therapy situation. I just have to keep truckin' along and knowing it will not be like this forever. The depression has concerned me a little bit, just the oversleeping, and not cleaning and letting my laundry around...these are all classic signs for me. I know it's all situational, I just need to...keep going.

We also talked about the restricting that's been going on. My therapist is still encouraging me to eat 3 times a day, she says it doesn't matter what I eat, as long as it is 3 times a day. I know this will be hard, but I know it's necessary. My metabolism is majorly fucked up. It has been for quite some time. I want it go back to the way it was. Granted, my weight is fine (in reality, not in my head) but if I continue to eat the way I am, it will not be good for me. It isn't good for me now!

I talked about the situation with my younger sister and how triggering she has been lately. My therapist and I decided I should talk to my mom about this. I am at the point where I am concerned for my sister, that she might have issues with food. And I just want to share my concern with my mom and see if she feels the same way. I didn't get a chance to talk to my mom today, but I'm sure I will soon.

Then, we started talking about abuse stuff. I get really quiet when this topic comes up. I talk, but not as much, and my breathing starts to get really fast. I had brought my journal with me, so I shared with her a few exerpts that I had written pertaining to the abuse. She asked me if I ever get angry about it, or at him. I told her I have a couple times, but not really. She says it's something I need to do and asked why I hold back that anger. I guess it's because...I feel anger towards myself still, also guilt and shame. I feel like I have to apologize to myself..for not taking care of myself better. I also wonder, what happened to him in his life, and feel like...well maybe I have no right to be angry at him if something bad happened to him. My therapist told me I always have a right to my feelings, despite what happened to him. I believe her, but there still seems to be something holding me back from feeling anger. My goal for the next two weeks from my therapist is to experiment with feeling angry, and just see how it goes. I'm scared if I do that, I will completely lose it and lose control. But, hey I am willing to give it a try. We were continuing to talk about the abuse when I started to disconnect. I totally felt it, I zoned out. My eyes were in a blank stare. I could see things in my head, memories. And I felt scared, I felt the tears forming behind my eyes, and my breathing got really really fast. My therapist kept asking me what was going on and I could not open my mouth, it was just physically impossible at the time. Finally she asked,"what do you need, a hug?" I nodded and she came and sat beside me and held me and I finally let the tears out. Afterwards I was able to tell her what was going on in my head and what I was feeling. Today was the first time I have ever cried in front of my therapist (I have been seeing her almost a year). It was a scary and vulnerable thing for me, but God, it felt good to let it out.

I left therapy feeling hopeful, drained, but hopeful. I ran some errands with my mom, went to the library and then went to my parent's house for dinner. I came home to my own house, and basically had a meltdown. "How am I going to get through another 2 weeks?" I kept saying out loud to myself, "Holly you can do this, you are going to be ok" These are words my therapist says to me constantly! But I continued to cry. I also was overcome with emotion when thinking about how supportive and caring my therapist is/has been. Does anyone ever get like that? I mean, I have been in therapy for years, but for the past year I have really started working on all my shit. And my therapist has been completely and 100% supportive and caring, and there for me when I need her. It just makes me emotional. So, I also was crying about that. And then I freaked out about abuse stuff, had some flashbacks, but with the help of Emily (she also blogs on here) I calmed down.

Which brings me to my next little blurb...Emily. I have found a new friend within the past two days. We have talked online for a couple hours the past two nights and now I feel like I've known her forever. She is such an inspiration to me, all that she is going through and fighting, and continuing to be so positive about life and recovery. I could not have gotten through tonight without her, and I know I have her on my side and as my support. Thank you Em, you really mean the world to me.

Well, I think that's about it. Sorry this was so super long, I guess today was sort of epic. It felt that way at least. So I'm ready to fight through the next 2 weeks, journal every day, try to eat 3 times a day, and reach out for help when I need it.

I can do this. I will be okay.

sleep issues

Yesterday was...horrible. So, Saturday night I took my meds, did my same pre-bedtime routine, got under my covers and was ready to fall asleep. But no, I did not fall asleep. I had to be at work the next day at 7:30am, and I just trying so hard to fall asleep. But it never came. I stayed awake the whole night. When I first got to work I felt somewhat energized, it sounds strange. But I think I was so messed up from lack of sleep that it just made me kind of crazy. But around 12pm I started to crash. I could barely stay awake and I felt miserable, absolutely miserable. By the end of my shift (7 hour shift) I was about to either pass out or throw up. I drove home, took a shower and vomited, twice. I'm not exactly sure why I got sick, I guess it was because of lack of sleep? Not sure. Anyway, I slept for the next 4 hours. Woke up at 8:30pm, went back to sleep an hour later and slept until 1:30 pm. I've never slept so hard and so good. Anyway, I had to work today (3pm - 10pm) I feel semi back to normal, but still want to sleep. I work tomorow morning at 9am.

I keep wondering why I could not sleep despite my sleep and anxiety meds. I guess it was because I had so many things going through my head, because I knew I had to wake up at 6:30am, because I had been sleeping too much in the previous days.

I know it's because of my depression, I always sleep a lot when I get depressed. But I have been sleeping at least 12-13 hours a night for the past week or so. I know it's bad. I even try and set an alarm on the days I don't have to get up early so I don't sleep so much, but my body craves the sleep so damn much. If I'm not sleeping, then I'm anxious, or thinking about too many things and I just get overwhelmed.

On to another issue...

I have a best friend, won't use her name to protect her. She doesn't live in the same state as me, yet we are so close, or at least...we used to be. Over the past year she has been on a downward spiral. She was a nurse at a hospital, and became a drug addict. She lost her job because of it. And things have been shitty for her ever since. She relapsed with her eating disorder and her drug addiction continued. She went to rehab, and I thought she was going to be the same best friend again, but she was so different. The fight I used to see in her, the strength, and the personality had completely disappeared. I felt like I was starting to lose my best friend. I was going through my own shit at the time, my own ED relapse. I needed my best friend, and she needed me. But I don't think she wanted my help. I think she was embarrased, and scared. I didn't know what to do anymore, I didn't know how to help her, and I told her this, but that I still loved her. After I told her that, I didn't hear from her for a month. She ignored my texts, phone calls, and messages. I honestly thought she had died. She called me a month later and told me she was in such a horrible place and just wanted to isolate from everybody. She apologized. To hear how depressed she was and how bad of a place she was in...broke my heart. What happened to her? Over the past month I have only talked to her a couple of times. Yesterday she texted me and basically told me she was suicidal and didn't know if she wanted this life anymore. I told her to please fight, that I needed her, her family needs her, that she deserves to get better. I don't think she believes me. I don't think she wants help. I love my best friend so much, but I am lost now too. I don't know how to help her, or actually...I don't think I can help her anymore, I have done all that I can. I want so desperately for her to get better, be the person she used to be, to be the person I know she can be. I feel like I need to let her go. I feel like such a horrible person, because she has been there for me through so much and I feel like I need to give back to her, but I have tried you guys, and I don't know what else to do. I feel sad, it hurts to lose such a good friend. I hope she will get better, and I can get my best friend back.

*sigh* There's so much more going on. I am exhausted though, can't write it all, even though I know I need to do that. I guess I need some support. I have therapy on Wednesday (thank you God), but I am finding it hard to find the strength to make it until then.

triggers

I am triggered by everything lately, ED stuff I mean. Especially my sister. She does not have an eating disorder, that I know of, but if you looked at her...you would think she was anorexic. She is stick thin and everyone, friends, family, her boyfriend always talk about it. Telling her how skinny she is, how she's so bony. She recently had her physical and mom put her report up on the fridge with her weight and height on it, because...it's just so amazing that she's so thin! Ughh, it just bothers me to no end. I want to have her body. She has the perfect body. I used to be the "small" one, and now it's her..she's the small and skinny one. It makes me want to not eat. I'm triggered by calorie numbers, by the mirror, by everything. Ugh it's so annoying!

The abuse stuff has been coming up ALOT lately. I've been journaling, and doing my best to use my grounding skills and safe place. It's hard, especially night time. I just find myself zoning out and going back to that time without even realizing it. I guess i'm dissociating? I don't know. Therapy is only 5ish days away. I know it's going to be an intense session, i have a lot to talk about.

I've been sleeping a ton. I think it's depression. I also haven't worn make-up in a few days, which is so unlike me. I'm just lazy, not caring.

I want to avoid all this. I regret writing this all because..now I feel panicked. ugh.

flashback.

I was in my parent's backyard yesterday, playing with my dogs. I walked by a bush and one of the branches brushed my neck, it scared me, jolted me. It also made me have a flashback. At first I was confused as to why it made me have a flashback, but then I realized it was the surprising touch, unwanted touch, that sent me back in time. I still can't believe sometimes, what happened. I guess since I blocked so much of it out for so many years, it's still difficult to accept. But I know it happened, I know it's real. I don't know when, or if, I will ever remember all of it, be able to piece it all together. I don't know if that's the way to go or not. I just know that at some point...I want to heal from it. I know it's possible. But it feels so far away.

wowza

So, I feel like a lot is going on. But don't I always feel that way? Let me take a big deep breath before I start writing all of this out.
Where to begin?

First of all, last week at work I witnessed a theft. A customer in the store had her purse snatched. I saw the whole thing happen. I saw the man walk in the door, walk all the way around the store, snatch her purse (the woman was 9 months pregnant) and run out the door. I got a pretty good look at his face. After the incident occurred (my manager called 911) I was interviewed by the police, wrote my statement and gave them my contact info. I had to write my statement again to give it to the Panera people. And then today at work, two robbery detectives showed up and I was shown a photo line-up and I picked out the guy. (or at the least the guy I'm positive was him) The detectives did not tell me whether or not I picked out the right guy. So, I don't know what the next step is from here. I again gave them my contact info. Hopefully I won't have to like...testify in court or anything. Anyway, reflecting back on the whole thing...it was pretty terrifying. I have never experienced anything like it. I felt so badly for the woman, I was scared that she possibly could go into early labor (my OB/GYN experience kicked in here), and then I thought what if he had come up to at my cash register and demanded money from me? Thank goodness that didn't happen. So...that is one thing that has been swirling around in my head. It's just been surreal. Feels like it didn't happen, but it did.

I am definitely having trouble with accepting the whole going to therapy once a week thing. I really am beating myself up because...it's only every other week right? I mean...why am I freaking out about this so much? So the answer to that question...well I think what happened is...the week before this decison was made that me and my parents could no longer afford weekly therapy, I had committed myself to really working on my issues. As scary as it was...I admitted to myself that I was ready and willing to work on my abuse issues. I am hesitant to work on my ED issues because I feel like...it's always been there for me (way more complicated than that, I know), but I am willing to talk about it and try things out. For me to make a committment like this, to really WANT to work on my issues is...HUGE for me. It's something therapists have been trying to get me to do for years. So, even though I know that I can stil work on my issues every other week in therapy, I feel somewhat defeated. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm also doubting myself as to whether I can do this, get through a week by myself. I admit...I need to work on being more independent and relying on myself more, but it's also scary as hell. I miss my therapist (hello Holly...it hasn't even been a week). I also struggle with...okay how long is this every other week thing going to go on? I need a timeline. I am going to work on getting more hours at work, maybe finding another full time job, or add a part time job on to the job I have.

Wow, okay that was a long paragraph. Still not done yet.

I've been having a lot of nightmares, flashbacks, etc. Lately I feel like everything I do and everywhere I go...there is some reminder of him and what happened. I keep seeing myself in that basement. Everything scares me. My chest tightens up every time I think about it. And it's impossible to not think about it.

I think I'm just about out of words. The eating is not going well at all. I just can't get motivated to eat, so lame. I am so ashamed of myself. I am better than this. Why can't I just get myself together? Why is recovery so hard and scary for me?

I am crying a lot and I hate it. I feel alone and I hate it. Frisbee is over and I hate it. I have no money and I hate it.

I am still journaling everyday and trying my hardest to reach out for help to my therapist and a few friends when I need it...but I also am scared and ashamed to reach out for help.

Okay, that's all for now. I will of course write more later.