the worst feeling

The worst feeling for me is...letting other people down, letting myself down. And that is what I have done. I made shitty decision and I purged my dinner. It wasn't even a binge. And I could write about what led up to it and why I chose to do it instead of taking a walk or a bubble bath, but what good does that do now? I reached out for help before I purged, and was given encouragement, yet I made the decision to purge anyway. The worst part wasn't realizing what I was doing, it was telling my friend what I had done after the act. I could tell she was sad, she even told me she was sad. I could tell she was disappointed. I apologized to her for letting her down. She said, "You didn't let me down. You let yourself down." She right, there isn't a doubt about that. After I purged, I sat with my feelings. And the strongest feeling I felt...besides guilt...was sadness. It was overwhelming and so raw.

And so I sit here in bed and my head is pounding and I feel sick ( I call it the after purge). But yet I know tomorrow is new day. And even though I lost 4 months of being purge free...I can start over again now. And I choose not to purge again. I know the urge will arise, but I am sitting here with this horrible feeling from what I just did and I WILL remember that the next time I want to purge.

I haven't told my therapist. I am scared. I know she will be disappointed and sad as well. And she was the person I texted before I purged. And so, yeah....I will just wait on that one.

I just will start over tomorrow.