The struggles continue.

I am lacking in mostly all areas of my life. I am lacking nutrition, I am lacking energy, I am lacking spunk, I am lacking sleep, I am lacking life.

This eating disorder has such a strong hold on me. It it so difficult to think of anything else. The one thing I am not lacking however, is support. I have an amazing group of people supporting me right now. I have all my blog followers, I have my therapist, I have Karen, and a couple other friends. I know all the work is done by me, but I could not be getting through this tough time without them.

Yesterday I ate a protein bar. And I cried the whole time. I never thought I would get to a point where a protein bar would make me cry. I can't even imagine eaten a whole meal right now. But I know I have to. It just feels so impossible. All I could think about were the calories and how I wouldn't be able to eat anything else the rest of the day. It was so stupid and so annoying. I sat on my bathroom floor crying while eating a protein bar. My therapist called shortly after and I had a really good conversation with her. She helped me realize some things that are going on in my life that are contributing to this relapse, things that I stupidly thought had gone away and that I no longer had to deal with. The biggest thing that is causing this relapse, is too painful to talk about, to speak about. My therapist asked me about it and my eyes filled with tears and I said, "I can't talk about it because I don't want to start crying". She said, "But Holly, you need to cry about it, so you can eat again." She's right.

I also said how I didn't want any of this to come across as me being attention seeking or weak, because that is not what this is. She said that even if that was the case, there wouldn't be anything wrong with that. She said, "You don't want to ask for help" I said no, that I didn't want to be weak looking and needy. She said that we all need help sometimes, there is no shame in that. She pointed out what I was dealing with and told me that she wasn't surprised that I turned to my eating disorder.

You know what stands out to me most right now, what I think about the most? It's not the calories, the food, the weight, the purging...it's the moments when my biggest supporters have been there for me. I think of Monday, when I went to see Karen, and she just held and hugged me for the longest time. I needed that, it provided me with so much. And also what stands out is my therapist being there for me, telling me she wants me to come to therapy every week, for me to find a way to make that happen. It stands out so much because (and I told my therapist this) I find myself surprised sometimes that people are still there for me. That people still care and haven't come to me and said, "Okay Holly, I'm giving up. I can't do anything for you anymore" It might sound absurd but really, I have had people tell me that (maybe not in those exact words) and it just blows my mind that there are still people standing. Because, I have really almost given up on myself, so why shouldn't they?

Anyway, this was a really random and rambling-filled post. But I needed to write today. I am in between jobs right now. I work the next 6 nights in a row. I almost collapsed at my job this morning. I know what is causing it. I know I need to just eat.

But dammnit, it is so hard.