What is wrong with me?

I have been asking myself this question for several days now. What is wrong with me? Like seriously, I feel so messed up. My eating disorder is so present, it is so raw, and so powerful. You always hear and read about the "ED voice". I hear it all day every day right now. It has never been so loud. And my own voice is so quiet and over powered by ED.

Yesterday I ate the most I have eaten in a couple weeks. And today I woke up and I remembered that, I remembered what I had eaten. And so what did I do? I didn't eat today. It's like...there is no middle ground. It's either bad or good. Right now it feels super bad. I watched some cheesy Lifetime movie about eating disorders today and I felt like I was the character in the movie. I felt like I was that sick. It made me ashamed of myself. I know there are so many women and men out there that have dealt with their eating disorders so much longer than I have. For me...it's been almost 8 years. But for me...that seems far too long. What is so wrong with me that I have not recovered? Have I not wanted it enough? In most cases, that is the most logical answer. Or is there something wrong with me that I am one of those cases that just cannot recover?

And then, today...I was at work. And I really wanted to eat the Mac n' Cheese we have. I mean, it's really high in calories and not so good for you. But it tastes good to me and I wanted to have some. But I couldn't. Because I knew that if I ate it...I would have to throw it up. And so I deprived myself of the Mac n' Cheese, and settled for the lowest calorie item on the menu. That was all I felt I could handle.

And so now I am faced with this hurdle. I have the appetite (not always, but it is there occasionally) to eat foods that I used to enjoy and eat without care. But now I feel like if I eat it...I have to purge. And I can relate all of these eating disorder behaviors to the fact that I am avoiding my emotions. I starve myself to forget what is really going on. And IF I purged, it would be to get out the emotions that I DO feel.

I almost feel like I've sort of lost my mind a little bit. I am in constant motion, physical and mental. My brain never rests, my body never rests. I just don't understand what is going on!

Am I this upset and this devastated by the fact that my best friend is moving that I am slowly starving myself to death? I told my friend Karen the other day that I DO NOT want to have to reach a rock bottom to get back up and get back on track with recovery. But that has always been the case in the past. Last year when I lost my job BECAUSE of my eating disorder...it was then that I put the weight back on and started eating again. And here I am again. Full blown relapse. I don't want to lose my job again, that would be catastrophic.

But here I am again...rambling, about nothing it feels like.