I ate lunch today. A real, normal meal. My stomach hurt so bad after wards. And I am still obsessing over what I ate. I even went on the internet and looked up the calories. I NEVER do that. There are so many new obsessions and behaviors that have come with this relapse and it's all so strange to me. It's like I get sicker every time I relapse.
I have my therapist and another friend who are going to help keep me accountable with my food and daily intake. And then I have an appointment with my dietitian 2 weeks from today.
I don't know HOW I ate today. I even had a slice of pizza for dinner last night. I feel huge and horrible about what I have eaten. I guess the attitude of "just doing it" has sort of set in. But it scares me and my ED voice is flipping out. I keep hearing...What the hell are you doing? Did you really just eat that? You are so gross and you are going to gain weight!
I feel so tired. I haven't had a day off all week long. My next day off of both jobs isn't until Tuesday. I just want to sleep.
I'm scared. I'm scared that my eating disorder is back, and I'm scared about how powerful it feels. I'm scared that I let it get this bad. I have no clue what my weight is. I so badly want to go and weigh myself at the scale they have at the pharmacy near my house. But I know how badly that would set me back. I don't think I need to gain weight. But what happens when I see my dietitian in a couple of weeks and she weighs me and says..."You need to gain weight." If I need to do it...then okay, but I don't want to.
Ugh, I'm sorry you guys. I know I have not been positive at all lately. I know I'm probably being triggering and depressing to read about. I feel lost. All I think about is food and calories and all that stuff. I haven't written or given thought to my trauma issues in a few weeks because...it's just too much right now. If I go to that place, that place where my trauma lays, I will lose it. I will get suicidal. That's truly what I believe. I almost feel like I don't really care about anything right now, but I want to. I want that zest for life back.
Plain and simple...I'm scared. And I know the only way to get over it....is to go through it.
You've done it before Holly.
ReplyDeleteYou have, and you have been stronger than this before.
And maybe yes, each time we relapse it is worse, because it is such a progressive illness, and yet, the hope and light in each relapse, is that we learn.
And all you learnt the last time to get out of the ED you can use this time.
You need to re-engage with activities (although they take energy and time and more patience than you think you have) which will help move you forward.
And it is true, the only way out of hell is going through it.
You will come out the other end of this, you just have to "do it!"
Easier said than done, yes, but also something you have done, and can do again.
I love you xxxxxxxx
You can do it. And I'm so proud of you for eating lunch and as ^^ said- it's all easier said than done but u can do it
ReplyDeletexoxo
I know all to well the feeling of relapse or regression as being "stronger" or "crazier" than your initial start....I feel like that is because this time around we just "know" and it effing scary to feel how powerless we feel. But you know what? We have power.
ReplyDeleteYou ate pizza...You ate lunch....belly boos? I know. Heating Pad, Sweatshirt and sock in a coll dark room...curl up for a bit and breathe. Works wonders for me. Its my secret ninja trick.