So, sorry that I haven't updated in a few days. My laptop decided to crash, but it seems to be working now, except it's super slow and the wi-fi doesn't work. But I'm calling tomorrow to see about getting it fixed.
How am I doing? I'm doing pretty great actually! I have gotten back on track with my food. Eating all three meals the past 3 days. I had a very successful grocery shopping trip. Although, I realized I much rather prefer to go grocery shopping at night because during the day I just want to kill every one around me. I just get really anxious and short tempered and, I really just want to scream and run and hide. I really hope grocery shopping gets easier. I see my dietitian tomorrow and I'm really undecided about whether or not to look at my weight. I just need to know, it's like this control thing. But I really don't want my weight to have such a power hold on me, you know? I will talk to my dietitian about it tomorrow.
I guess I have been feeling a little more depressed lately. Not really sure why. Maybe because summer is coming to a close and I will be working full time in 2 weeks. And even though it's not even Fall yet, I am getting increasingly anxious about Winter time. It seems every Winter I fall into a hole. And last Winter I fell in one so deep I almost didn't make it out alive. This is something I definitely need to discuss with my team, and make sure I don't have a repeat of last year.
Group is over next week and I'm up in the air about whether or not I should join the next one. I guess what's holding me back that competitive side of me that feels like I need to be sicker and worse than everyone else with an eating disorder in order to deserve and need attention. It's something I have struggled with for many years, and just can't seem to kick it, although it has gotten a tiny bit easier. I just need to move on from that.
I spent the weekend at my dad's friend's river house and that was really fun. We went tubing today and I got a little sting by a jellyfish, but it didn't sting too much, just kind of like needles going into the back of my leg. It wasn't really relaxing because they had a 7 year old boy that was like out of control and threw tantrums all the time. But I got more tan and spending any amount of time on the water is like heaven to me. I didn't really sleep last night because it was too hot and I had too much sweet tea to drink that day. So now I'm exhausted.
It seems as though my allergies have kicked in again. My sinuses are killing me and I'm all congested. I think it might have something to do with the Great Dismal Swamp being on fire and so it's kind of smoky here. But it just sucks because I feel awful.
Anyway, that's all for now. I will update more later on in the week.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
with or without you
Well, things are going pretty good. Well actually, it's been kind of hard lately. I'm struggling with meals, but it's not terrible. Yesterday I had a little bit of a low blood sugar attack, but I ended up being fine. Ugh, anyway, I don't want to focus on the bad. I told my therapist today that I get so frustrated because it seems like I have really, really good days and then bad days. I wish every day was good, but I know life is not like that. I just have to remember to do what's healthy and best for me, as hard as it is. My body image has not been as bad, which is a plus. I think it's because I'm working out more. I feel sooooo good about myself when I work out. Exercise is in my blood. I don't know why I deprived myself of it for the past several months. I guess I was scared I would go over board with it. But I don't think that will happen. I see my dietitian on Monday and I really want to be like...I'm not going to look at my weight anymore. But I just really need to know that it doesn't continue to go up. I'm going to discuss this with my dietitian though. I also want to make some menus, hoping that will make meals easier.
I got the nannying job! I am SO excited! I start September 6th. I already know the family. I coached the 3 kids in diving this summer. The youngest, a boy, is 8. And the other two are girls, age 12 and 14. I will be mostly taking care of them after school. I will work my hostessing job from 11-1:30 and then go across the street to pick them up from their bus stop. And then the days they don't have school for like a holiday or teacher work-day, I will be there from 8:30am until 5:30pm. The kids are so sweet and so nice, and the mom is really nice too. She keeps saying how excited she is that I am going to be taking care of her kids.
My little sister leaves for her first year of college tomorrow morning. It's so crazy. I know she is going to have the time of her life and I am so excited for her! But it's going to be kind of lonely without her here! She will be about an hour and a half away, so it's not too bad, but it will be the longest she has ever been away from home. Her boyfriend left for college yesterday. I will miss him too, since he is practically my brother.
One of my best friends, who I have mentioned in my blogs a lot in the past, is moving to Los Angeles on Friday. Yes, I will miss him. But I also feel...relieved. I can't really explain it. I guess I feel like I won't have this messy, complicated, burden on my shoulders. No disrespect to him, it's just going to be better for me. And I know moving to L.A. is his dream and so I'm really happy that he is living it out.
I am going to the river this weekend at my dad's friends river house. I am super excited to get out of town and spend the weekend on the river. They have a boat and we will go tubing and have yummy food. It's going to be really relaxing!
Anyway, that's it for now!
I got the nannying job! I am SO excited! I start September 6th. I already know the family. I coached the 3 kids in diving this summer. The youngest, a boy, is 8. And the other two are girls, age 12 and 14. I will be mostly taking care of them after school. I will work my hostessing job from 11-1:30 and then go across the street to pick them up from their bus stop. And then the days they don't have school for like a holiday or teacher work-day, I will be there from 8:30am until 5:30pm. The kids are so sweet and so nice, and the mom is really nice too. She keeps saying how excited she is that I am going to be taking care of her kids.
My little sister leaves for her first year of college tomorrow morning. It's so crazy. I know she is going to have the time of her life and I am so excited for her! But it's going to be kind of lonely without her here! She will be about an hour and a half away, so it's not too bad, but it will be the longest she has ever been away from home. Her boyfriend left for college yesterday. I will miss him too, since he is practically my brother.
One of my best friends, who I have mentioned in my blogs a lot in the past, is moving to Los Angeles on Friday. Yes, I will miss him. But I also feel...relieved. I can't really explain it. I guess I feel like I won't have this messy, complicated, burden on my shoulders. No disrespect to him, it's just going to be better for me. And I know moving to L.A. is his dream and so I'm really happy that he is living it out.
I am going to the river this weekend at my dad's friends river house. I am super excited to get out of town and spend the weekend on the river. They have a boat and we will go tubing and have yummy food. It's going to be really relaxing!
Anyway, that's it for now!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
my inspiration
So, my last couple of blog posts have been depressing and hopeless. I thought I was for sure headed for a relapse and I had begun to settle into a depression. But, I had a breakthrough a couple nights ago. I was talking to my friend Jamie about how hopeless and screwed up I feel. I told her I kept thinking about what Kim would say to me right now. For those of you unfamiliar with Kim...let me give you a little background. I met Kim 7 years ago the first time I went to Remuda Ranch. She was my dietitian. She had a reputation with the other patients for being tough and even mean. But I never have known her to be mean. She did practice a lot of tough love, but that was just what I needed at the time. Expecting Kim to have this tough exterior who could have made my time at Remuda really hard, I found out what a warm, loving and inspiring woman she was. It was extremely difficult to say goodbye to her when I was discharged from treatment. I cried so hard. I had come to believe in my true potential in life, with her help. I believed in myself again. For the next 7 years, I went in and out of recovery, losing hope over and over again. Back in February I entered treatment at Remuda Ranch for a second time. This time I was at the facility here in Virginia, but after 30 days there I transferred to the Remuda Life Program in Arizona, where Kim still worked. The reunion was amazing. It felt so good to see and hug Kim again...7 years later (after thinking I would never see her again). While she wasn't my dietitian this time around, I still considered her a major part of my team at my 2 weeks in Arizona. I frequently visited her in her office, where we would talk about so much. I still remember when she told me when she found out I had been admitted to Remuda again, how when she saw my admission weight she was proud of me for getting the help then instead of letting my ED get worse. It blew my mind when she said that, that she still remembered me after all these years, and that she was PROUD of me. One of my biggest fears is that she was disappointed in me for relapsing. But she said she wasn't, and I believe her. So, when I discharged from Remuda this time (and hopefully my last time) of course I was sad to be leaving Kim. I cried SO hard in the airport. I miss her every day. BUT (and getting back to the point of this post) I realized a couple nights ago, when things just did not seem like they were going to get better...that Kim would want me to fight. She would expect it from me. I could hear her voice telling me to fight, to pick myself back up, and move forward. That she believed in me, and knows I can do this. I'm crying writing this. And so I realized, I have to pick myself up. Get my shit together. I owe it to myself, first and foremost. But I owe SO much to Kim. And so I am doing this for her too. It's funny, out of all the people in my life right now...her voice is the loudest. I know what I mean to do now, and I want to do it. The day after this realization, I ate all 3 meals. No restricting, no skipping meals. I got my fight back. And it has continued. And I have no intention of going back.
Thanks Kim, this one's for you. <3
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
crazy is the forecast
I saw both my dietitian and therapist today. It was SO good to see my therapist, SO good. Not seeing her for 2 weeks really made me realize how much I value her support for me. My session with my therapist went well. I wish I could have seen her for 2 hours. We just had so much catching up to do. We talked a lot about my hatred towards my body, and she was trying to get me to see how much muscular I am (not fatter). I believe her, or at least I want to...but I don't see it. If anything I feel like I'm less muscular, and the fattest I have ever been. It's really frustrating to not be able to see what every one else does. We talked about my fears of relapse, and decided I am not relapsing, that recovery is full of ups and downs and right now I am experiencing a down. But we also decided that if I don't get back on track, I am most definitely going to relapse. After catching up today, I know we are going to get into the deeper stuff next week.
Then I had to go back later on in the day to see my dietitian (my therapist and dietitian share an office). I was super, super nervous about seeing my dietitian. I literally prayed to God that my weight did not go up again. I knew if it did I would not handle it well and I honestly don't know how I would have reacted, but I know it would not have been good. She weighed me and I had gone down 1.2lbs....which I know isn't much, but after gaining weight the past 2 months and not knowing why, this came as a relief to me. But, I admitted to my dietitian how I have been skipping a couple meals a day, and I KNOW that is not good and I hate doing it, I really do, and I am determined to get back on track. We made a deal that I would stop skipping meals and would add in 1 hour of exercise every day. I think this a good idea. We talked about how much I loved my body when I was heavily involved in sports. And every one on my team thinks incorporating exercise back into my life would be beneficial, as long as I don't over do it. My dietitian also looked back through my old chart (which is about six inches thick, no lie. The first time I saw her was in 2003). It was really sad to hear the things I have told her over the years, and how until this year, none of it had really changed. So anyway, I go back to my dietitian in a week and a half and hopefully I will have stopped skipping meals.
I left my dietitian's office and needed to get dinner (since I had not eaten all day except a protein bar and craisins). I went to my parent's house and ate a baked potato. I had a pounding headache and felt like I was going to pass out. I was just so weak and miserable and tired. My mom came home and got on my case about how she thinks I need to do more support groups and less therapy and dietitian appointments. It's complete bullshit. She expects me to drop my dietitian after not even 6 months of being out of treatment. She does not know what she is talking about and clearly did not listen to anything the people at Remuda told her. I got irritated and left, because I just couldn't listen to any more of her crap.
I was still hungry but knew if I ate a full meal I was going to purge it. So, I just settled for cereal, and my headache went away and I felt a little more energized. I texted my friend from group, Heather, and told her about everything that went on today. She was so sweet and was so encouraging. And tomorrow we are going to go see a movie and then talk. I am beyond grateful for her!
Tomorrow night I picked up someone's shift, so that will be nice making some extra money. And then Friday my mom said she would take me to the pool. But I have to work all weekend long which sucks. Hopefully I will hear back about the nannying job and can get my schedule straight for the Fall.
Well, that's about it. It's midnight (which is early for me) but I think I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep.
Then I had to go back later on in the day to see my dietitian (my therapist and dietitian share an office). I was super, super nervous about seeing my dietitian. I literally prayed to God that my weight did not go up again. I knew if it did I would not handle it well and I honestly don't know how I would have reacted, but I know it would not have been good. She weighed me and I had gone down 1.2lbs....which I know isn't much, but after gaining weight the past 2 months and not knowing why, this came as a relief to me. But, I admitted to my dietitian how I have been skipping a couple meals a day, and I KNOW that is not good and I hate doing it, I really do, and I am determined to get back on track. We made a deal that I would stop skipping meals and would add in 1 hour of exercise every day. I think this a good idea. We talked about how much I loved my body when I was heavily involved in sports. And every one on my team thinks incorporating exercise back into my life would be beneficial, as long as I don't over do it. My dietitian also looked back through my old chart (which is about six inches thick, no lie. The first time I saw her was in 2003). It was really sad to hear the things I have told her over the years, and how until this year, none of it had really changed. So anyway, I go back to my dietitian in a week and a half and hopefully I will have stopped skipping meals.
I left my dietitian's office and needed to get dinner (since I had not eaten all day except a protein bar and craisins). I went to my parent's house and ate a baked potato. I had a pounding headache and felt like I was going to pass out. I was just so weak and miserable and tired. My mom came home and got on my case about how she thinks I need to do more support groups and less therapy and dietitian appointments. It's complete bullshit. She expects me to drop my dietitian after not even 6 months of being out of treatment. She does not know what she is talking about and clearly did not listen to anything the people at Remuda told her. I got irritated and left, because I just couldn't listen to any more of her crap.
I was still hungry but knew if I ate a full meal I was going to purge it. So, I just settled for cereal, and my headache went away and I felt a little more energized. I texted my friend from group, Heather, and told her about everything that went on today. She was so sweet and was so encouraging. And tomorrow we are going to go see a movie and then talk. I am beyond grateful for her!
Tomorrow night I picked up someone's shift, so that will be nice making some extra money. And then Friday my mom said she would take me to the pool. But I have to work all weekend long which sucks. Hopefully I will hear back about the nannying job and can get my schedule straight for the Fall.
Well, that's about it. It's midnight (which is early for me) but I think I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep.
Monday, August 8, 2011
scared
I wish I could take a picture of my facial expression right now. It says...confused and scared and whatttt?
I think...I might be relapsing. But I'm not sure. How do you know? I think my recovery took a really big blow when all this un-needed weight gain occurred. It freaked me out and getting bigger just wasn't in my plans, not this big at least. For a little while, I trusted that my body would reach a point where it was happy and it would get back in the weight range that my dietitian at Remuda gave to me. But I have continued to gain and I am not trusting of my body anymore. What makes you think I'm relapsing, you may ask? It started slowly. Just mild restricting, then it came to skipping meals. And now I'm still skipping meals and cutting out foods that I have deemed "bad". I am looking at calorie information again, and going to the grocery store leaves me with an internal battle that makes me want to cry. I have noticed an increase in anxiety. I have these attacks where everything is wrong. What I look like is wrong, what I'm wearing is wrong, the way the room I'm in looks wrong, the way my face feels is wrong. I get so obsessed with the way things feel that I feel like scratching all my skin off. I can't sit still and I want to cry. I am disgusted with my body. Absolutely disgusted. I am no longer small. And that kills me.
I'm sitting here and I want to cry. I want to cry because I am so scared of relapse, of going backwards to the point where moving forwards feels impossible. I do not think I could survive another relapse, I truly don't. I either think my eating disorder would kill me, or I would kill myself. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want to die. I deserve better than that. I WANT better than that.
I'm all out of words right now. I just want to see my therapist right now. Any one have any words of wisdom or advice?
I think...I might be relapsing. But I'm not sure. How do you know? I think my recovery took a really big blow when all this un-needed weight gain occurred. It freaked me out and getting bigger just wasn't in my plans, not this big at least. For a little while, I trusted that my body would reach a point where it was happy and it would get back in the weight range that my dietitian at Remuda gave to me. But I have continued to gain and I am not trusting of my body anymore. What makes you think I'm relapsing, you may ask? It started slowly. Just mild restricting, then it came to skipping meals. And now I'm still skipping meals and cutting out foods that I have deemed "bad". I am looking at calorie information again, and going to the grocery store leaves me with an internal battle that makes me want to cry. I have noticed an increase in anxiety. I have these attacks where everything is wrong. What I look like is wrong, what I'm wearing is wrong, the way the room I'm in looks wrong, the way my face feels is wrong. I get so obsessed with the way things feel that I feel like scratching all my skin off. I can't sit still and I want to cry. I am disgusted with my body. Absolutely disgusted. I am no longer small. And that kills me.
I'm sitting here and I want to cry. I want to cry because I am so scared of relapse, of going backwards to the point where moving forwards feels impossible. I do not think I could survive another relapse, I truly don't. I either think my eating disorder would kill me, or I would kill myself. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want to die. I deserve better than that. I WANT better than that.
I'm all out of words right now. I just want to see my therapist right now. Any one have any words of wisdom or advice?
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
drama in my brain
Ugh, this shit needs to stop. I am so sick of ED.
While I am not using behaviors, the ED thoughts are non-stop, especially since this weight gain issue has come into play. I have no idea why I am gaining weight still. My biggest fear is that I won't stop, and I really am starting to think that will actually happen. Everything with this feels so out of my control. Like, I am eating really well and not purging, but I still continue to gain. Tonight at group I was so out of it. I don't think I absorbed any information and I feel really pissed about that because I wish I could get all out of group that I can.
But, I ended up having a really awesome conversation with two of the women in group after wards. It helped to say out loud all of my fears and concerns. And when I was about to leave, the group leader saw me get into my car and asked me what was going on. And so I told her all aboualmostt the weight gain issues and she helped put my mind at rest too. And it was crazy because during group all I could think about was going to get dinner after wards and purging it. But after talking to the women from group and my group leader, I realized I didn't need/want to do that. I thought real hard about it and I realized why I wanted to purge. It was because I can't control what is going on with my weight and so purging is something I have always been able to control. And then I also realized that the loneliness I am feeling is so intense and palpable that I feel like I need to fill that void. And bingeing and purging does that for me. But, I decided to be a recovery rockstar and eat my dinner and not purge and watch a movie to distract myself.
I am also really struggling with not having a job right now. I still have my hostessing job but it doesn't really count because it's only on the weekends and the schedule won't change until September. All I can really do about that is put my name and number on the bulletin board at work in case anyone needs me to work for them. So far, no luck. My dad is already pestering me with questions about what I am going to do about a job. I really need to figure it out so I won't get stressed out about it, so I can make some money, and so I don't just sit on my ass all day.
I am also making myself start jogging again. I really need to start exercising more and hopefully that will stop the weight gain. It's so damn hot outside so I will have to wake up early to do it. I am also going to start doing some sprint dashes and strength exercises like push ups and sit ups and work on my flexibility. I also am going to get blood work done tomorrow to get my thyroid checked to see if that possibly could have something to do with the weight gain. Just make it stop!!!
I am super excited for tomorrow because I am meeting Sarah! I met her a few years ago on MySpace and we have kept in close contact and I feel like I've known her all my life. I am meeting her and her friend at the mall for lunch. And then Thursday night I am meeting my friend Karen for dinner at Panera, and I am soooo excited for this. Karen is one of the most inspiring people I know and I always feel better when I have a talk with her. I love her.
And Friday I am having two abnormal moles on my foot removed and will have to sit and lay down all weekend (which I'm not complaining about!)
Anyway, that's all for now.
While I am not using behaviors, the ED thoughts are non-stop, especially since this weight gain issue has come into play. I have no idea why I am gaining weight still. My biggest fear is that I won't stop, and I really am starting to think that will actually happen. Everything with this feels so out of my control. Like, I am eating really well and not purging, but I still continue to gain. Tonight at group I was so out of it. I don't think I absorbed any information and I feel really pissed about that because I wish I could get all out of group that I can.
But, I ended up having a really awesome conversation with two of the women in group after wards. It helped to say out loud all of my fears and concerns. And when I was about to leave, the group leader saw me get into my car and asked me what was going on. And so I told her all aboualmostt the weight gain issues and she helped put my mind at rest too. And it was crazy because during group all I could think about was going to get dinner after wards and purging it. But after talking to the women from group and my group leader, I realized I didn't need/want to do that. I thought real hard about it and I realized why I wanted to purge. It was because I can't control what is going on with my weight and so purging is something I have always been able to control. And then I also realized that the loneliness I am feeling is so intense and palpable that I feel like I need to fill that void. And bingeing and purging does that for me. But, I decided to be a recovery rockstar and eat my dinner and not purge and watch a movie to distract myself.
I am also really struggling with not having a job right now. I still have my hostessing job but it doesn't really count because it's only on the weekends and the schedule won't change until September. All I can really do about that is put my name and number on the bulletin board at work in case anyone needs me to work for them. So far, no luck. My dad is already pestering me with questions about what I am going to do about a job. I really need to figure it out so I won't get stressed out about it, so I can make some money, and so I don't just sit on my ass all day.
I am also making myself start jogging again. I really need to start exercising more and hopefully that will stop the weight gain. It's so damn hot outside so I will have to wake up early to do it. I am also going to start doing some sprint dashes and strength exercises like push ups and sit ups and work on my flexibility. I also am going to get blood work done tomorrow to get my thyroid checked to see if that possibly could have something to do with the weight gain. Just make it stop!!!
I am super excited for tomorrow because I am meeting Sarah! I met her a few years ago on MySpace and we have kept in close contact and I feel like I've known her all my life. I am meeting her and her friend at the mall for lunch. And then Thursday night I am meeting my friend Karen for dinner at Panera, and I am soooo excited for this. Karen is one of the most inspiring people I know and I always feel better when I have a talk with her. I love her.
And Friday I am having two abnormal moles on my foot removed and will have to sit and lay down all weekend (which I'm not complaining about!)
Anyway, that's all for now.
Monday, August 1, 2011
up is down
Well, I had an appointment with my dietitian today. I really, really thought I had lost weight. I had kept a food journal all last week while at the beach and pretty much ate 3 meals every single day, which is pretty huge for me. So I was really proud of myself and that maybe I had boosted my metabolism and my weight would go back in it's range. My dietitian told me how proud she was of me. I was all smiles...until she weighed me. My weight went up 2.2lbs in 2 weeks. Fuck. I lost it. I shut down. I didn't know what to say. I felt my throat closing up and the tears starting to form. My dietitian just said that my body is trying to decide where it needs to be. I left her office in tears. I feel so out of control. Will I ever stop gaining weight? My dietitian was trying to tell me that I'm not big. But I know I am. I have heard the comments people have said about how much bigger my boobs, my butt, and my thighs are. I jiggle when I walk. My thighs rub against each other when I walk. I mean, I am big. After being the small one all my life, I am not that anymore. And I felt it even more so at the beach, where there were two other people smaller than me.
After my dietitian, I forced down lunch. I didn't want to. But I know I needed to. I went and hung out with Mike. And that was a really good distraction. But I was so drained from all the shit going through my head that I got tired really, really fast. It makes me sad that Mike is moving to L.A. in a couple weeks. I will definitely miss him.
After a really rough day, I emailed my therapist and my dietitian with my thoughts. My therapist's response was amazing. She is so caring and so supportive and she made me feel a little better. She's on vacation this week but said I can email/text/call her every day if I want to. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and then group later in the evening. It will be good to have both of those tomorrow so I can get the support and safety.
My obsessive thoughts are really strong tonight and it's driving me crazy. I tried to go on a walk but it started lightening and raining. Dangerous. So now I am watching Intervention, and then when that's over I am going to climb into my bed and read. I am so tired.
After my dietitian, I forced down lunch. I didn't want to. But I know I needed to. I went and hung out with Mike. And that was a really good distraction. But I was so drained from all the shit going through my head that I got tired really, really fast. It makes me sad that Mike is moving to L.A. in a couple weeks. I will definitely miss him.
After a really rough day, I emailed my therapist and my dietitian with my thoughts. My therapist's response was amazing. She is so caring and so supportive and she made me feel a little better. She's on vacation this week but said I can email/text/call her every day if I want to. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and then group later in the evening. It will be good to have both of those tomorrow so I can get the support and safety.
My obsessive thoughts are really strong tonight and it's driving me crazy. I tried to go on a walk but it started lightening and raining. Dangerous. So now I am watching Intervention, and then when that's over I am going to climb into my bed and read. I am so tired.
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