updates.

So I played ultimate frisbee on Sunday. It was a lot of fun! Even though I really didn't know what I was doing half the time, and it was hot as hell, I really enjoyed myself. My team is undefeated, so that's pretty cool. :) We play again tomorrow night. I am really looking forward to it. My whole body is sore from the back and forth of running, but it feels so good to be moving again. The people on my team are all really nice. They helped explain the rules and techniques of the game. I almost had an interception too! If only I was a couple inches taller! I was so worried about looking like a complete idiot, and there were times when I felt like one. But for the most part I felt okay. And I know Wednesday I won't feel as awkward.

I went out last night with some friends from work. We went to Champs for dinner and then to a bar afterwards. I got a little tipsy, but nothing out of control. At dinner I saw my tutor/second mom from middle and high school. It was so good to see her and briefly catch up. We are going to get together sometime next week. I'm really looking forward to it. We haven't had an in depth convo since last summer, and SO much has gone on since then. She was such a huge source of support and comfort during middle and high school. I wish I got to see her more.

Things with the depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts are pretty much the same, maybe a little better. I think the hospital is definitely a no go now. Which I am relieved about, I really didn't want to go. I mean I would have gone if it was absolutely necessary, but I don't think it is anymore. Instead I am having this new issue of cycling. I reach these really really low points where things get scary, and then I come back up. This happens all throughout the day. I emailed my psychiatrist about it and he said to just give the Abilify some more time.
*rolls eyes* Once again, I hate that medicine has to be the answer to everything.

I had a cry fest on the phone with my therapist yesterday after a panic attack. She is trying really really hard to get me to distract myself from the anxiety and depression, by doing positive self talk and just having a change of scenery. She wants me to make a list of things to do when the anxiety gets unbearable. I should do that today, maybe I will post it on my blog. I got really emotional on the phone when my therapist told me that I was NOT bothering her, that I wasn't being annoying. I started crying and said, "But I'm so scared that you are going to get mad at me and tell me to go away" She responded by saying it's her job to help me, to be there for me. And that she WANTS to be there for me, she wants me to bother her, haha. That made me feel better. It's so hard though, because I have had people in the past tell me I am a bother and abandon me.

I'm really bored. This is an issue. Yes, I have my job, I have ultimate frisbee twice a week, but I need something else. I think I need to shoot an email to the local animal shelter. I volunteered there once before helping walk the dogs and playing with them, and I absolutely loved it. So maybe I will do that today.

That's really all I have for now...