sleep issues.

I've never been much of a sleep walker but last night I did the weirdest and scariest thing. I keep my Trazodone (sleeping medicine) by my bed, for obvious reasons. When I woke up this morning, the half full bottle was completely gone. I knew that I had not taken them all because I wouldn't have been awake or even possibly alive. I looked on the floor and in my bed and could not find the pills anywhere. So I gave up and decided to get ready to go to the pool. When I went to go take a sip of my Gatorade, I gagged. Somehow ( I don't remember this) I must have dumped the bottle of my pills into my Gatorade bottle in my sleep. It's funny, but scares me more because I could have easily swallowed all of these pills without realizing it, and be in the hospital or in the morgue right now. It's ironic because...Friday night when I was suicidal, I looked at that exact same bottle and thought about emptying it into my mouth. I wonder if somehow in my sleep I wanted to do it. I don't know...just throwing that possibility out there. I keep wondering if I should tell my psychiatrist or therapist about this. I see my therapist Friday, but wonder if I should tell her now? I don't know. It has kind of scared me. And now I am all out of sleeping pills and can't call a refill in because it's not time yet. I don't know how to explain this to my pharmacy. They might think I'm a drug addict, which I'm not.

I fell down my wooden stairs this morning and nearly broke my neck. I banged up my arm pretty good and have this lovely scrape and bruise. It hurts to type. And then I layed out by the pool for a couple hours and got pretty sun burned. And my anxiety has been driving me nuts today. I have been getting more anxious about work lately, I'm not sure why. I feel like at this point I should be pretty comfortable at work. But I still feel like I'm learning, I don't know if that's okay or now. I've been there a little over a month.

Went to the grocery store today, and I wasn't as obsessive as I have been. So, that's progress I suppose.

I continue to look for hope.