no hospital, yet.

I had therapy today. I told her how deeply depressed I was, how I was off/on suicidal. She asked me on a scale of 1-10 how much I wanted to die. I told her a 4. She said if it got to 7 I need to go to the hospital. I thought I would feel better after therapy but I didn't. I decided I shouldn't be alone the rest of the day. So I hung out with my mom and little sister. As the day went on I continued to feel worse and worse. At one point I seriously considered going home, cutting up my wrists, and downing my bottle of Seroquel. I emailed my therapist first. 5 minutes later she called me, sounding really concerned. She said, "this is really bad isn't it?" I said yes as I fought tears. She asked me what I wanted to do. I said, "I don't want to go to the hospital because of the money and all the extra stress it will cause for everyone". She and I made a plan for me to spend the weekend at my parent's house to get my meds stabalized and to not be alone. I told her I didn't want my mom to worry and I didn't want to bother my parents. She asked to speak to my mom to let her know what was going on. I allowed it. My therapist made me promise to call her if things got any worse, before I did anything, or if I wanted to cut. I promised her I would, and I will.

I have not felt this low in years. There was a point today where, not only did I want to die, but I felt like I was going to die. I haven't felt like that since junior year of high school when I was in the psych hospital.

If things do not get better, I do not think I can remain safe, and therefore the hospital would be necessary.

I'm pretty scared. I am so depressed.

I'm not scared anymore, I'm terrified.

This is not good.