depression

I've been hesitating to post. I am pretty embarrassed with how much I'm struggling. I don't even know why I am having such a hard time with depression. But I am. It all started last Friday. I guess I had a pretty intense therapy session, and it just triggered depression and a lot of self-harm thoughts and urges in me. I wrote about how hopeless I have been and still am. One one hand I want to die...I do. I want to just end the anxiety, the pain, and the torture. But on the other hand, I know deep in my heart somewhere there is some hope, and that I have felt better than this before, so I know it's possible again, right? I don't know if I am suicidal or not. That sounds crazy I know. But I can't figure it out. I definitely was the other night. Does anyone, like me, get annoyed and frustrated with having to rely on medication to make anxiety or depression better? I know it's a great thing, but I often wonder if that's really the solution to my problems. Besides, meds scare me, always have. I take them, but very reluctantly.

So, I don't want to live the way I am living anymore. I know the strong and right thing to do is to fight, but honestly I am tired of doing that too. Some would argue that I'm not even fighting to begin with, but I think I am. I fight my urges, I fight my thoughts. I go to therapy, I take my meds, I do my breathing exercises, I have a job, etc. Maybe I'm not perfect at all of these things, but at least I am doing them. And who does it perfectly anyway? People keep telling me..."you can and will recover from your eating disorder. you will heal from the sexual abuse, it will get better. These things just take time" I always want to respond with..."how much time?" Okay, so I know I have only just begun to work on the abuse, it's only been about 7 months that I've been working on that in therapy. But with everything else, the eating disorder, the anxiety...that's been going on for years. I don't blame my current or previous therapists. If anyone, I blame myself for not being at a good spot in recovery at this point. Maybe I am not fighting hard enough, trying hard enough. Maybe I don't want it. I'm not completely sure. I do know that it scares me to recover from all of my issues. They have been my identity for years now, without them...who am I? Everyone will leave me. I will be alone.

I am constantly terrified that my therapist is mad at me or annoyed at me. She swears she isn't. But sometimes I wonder...she must be. I have annoyed school counselors and therapists in the past, how come she hasn't yelled at me yet or left me? I was abandoned by a school counselor before, and yelled at many times. Okay, so maybe I deserved to be yelled at a few times. But my therapist right now trusts me, I think. She seems to. I don't know how I deserve such a good therapist. She's really amazing.

I realize this post has been all over the place, but that's kind of how I am right now.

Today is my little sister's 18th birthday. I can't believe how old me and my sisters are getting. My big sister turns 26 in a couple of weeks, and I turn 22 in a month.

Anyway. Whoever read all of this deserves a medal. I know it wasn't that much fun or exciting to read.