A friend of mine recently stopping blogging to "focus more on her recovery and healing". I think that's what I need to do too. I'm going through a lot. I'm kind of at a scary and weird place in my ED recovery, and I'm in an intense place with my trauma recovery. So much has gone on in the past few months. I just really need to step away from the blogging community. I've had to unfriend and hide so many people I used to be friends with over the internet. I'm just really sick of the sick community. I'm sick of hearing about eating disorders, the negativity. I need to focus on the positivity in my life, on my present life, on my future.
I need to heal.
I'm sure I will be back. I might write a few posts here and there. But I just need to step back. I hope you all understand.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Unbearable Loneliness
I think it's the worst it's ever been. It shouldn't be though. I really have a lot of good going on in my life. I started a new job as a gymnastics coach, and I've really clicked with the other coaches, and one of my former teammates works there as well. I have gotten really close to my friends at my hostessing job, who have also really had my back when it comes to a situation with another co-worker who has been a total bitch to me for no reason.
I mean, I have a lot of things going for me. Yet, I feel more isolated than ever. I think part of it is the fact that there are things that I'm going through in my life that most people don't know about, and someone people can't understand. I feel like I've been trying to reach out to people, but all I have to talk about is how hard things are right now. And that's not really fair to my friends. I also feel like because I am so pathetic and miserable, no one really wants or cares to know how I'm doing. I feel like I'm doing a lot of pushing people away, but not on purpose.
I realize that other people have stuff going on in their lives too. And I don't want to come across as selfish. But I think that it's also really important that I look out for myself first and foremost these days, so I don't spiral into another depression. I love the friends that I do have. And I want to be there for them more than anything in the world. I just hope they know that. I tell them all the time, I feel like.
I just got back from a dietitian appointment. Because of the isolation and loneliness I feel, I have been turning to the one thing that's always been there for me...my eating disorder. I've been restricting. I've also had increasing urges to purge. I've been feeling so guilty about what I eat. I've been comparing myself to others SO much. My body image is terrible.
I nearly left my dietitian appointment in tears. She is going to email my therapist, which really won't do anything until Monday because my therapist is out of town. My dietitian also encouraged me to reach out to at least 3 of my friends today to let them know what's going on. I have yet to do that. We didn't really come up with a meal plan. I just couldn't even think about food today. I felt so repulsive.
I mean, I have a lot of things going for me. Yet, I feel more isolated than ever. I think part of it is the fact that there are things that I'm going through in my life that most people don't know about, and someone people can't understand. I feel like I've been trying to reach out to people, but all I have to talk about is how hard things are right now. And that's not really fair to my friends. I also feel like because I am so pathetic and miserable, no one really wants or cares to know how I'm doing. I feel like I'm doing a lot of pushing people away, but not on purpose.
I realize that other people have stuff going on in their lives too. And I don't want to come across as selfish. But I think that it's also really important that I look out for myself first and foremost these days, so I don't spiral into another depression. I love the friends that I do have. And I want to be there for them more than anything in the world. I just hope they know that. I tell them all the time, I feel like.
I just got back from a dietitian appointment. Because of the isolation and loneliness I feel, I have been turning to the one thing that's always been there for me...my eating disorder. I've been restricting. I've also had increasing urges to purge. I've been feeling so guilty about what I eat. I've been comparing myself to others SO much. My body image is terrible.
I nearly left my dietitian appointment in tears. She is going to email my therapist, which really won't do anything until Monday because my therapist is out of town. My dietitian also encouraged me to reach out to at least 3 of my friends today to let them know what's going on. I have yet to do that. We didn't really come up with a meal plan. I just couldn't even think about food today. I felt so repulsive.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
More Progress to be Made
I saw my dietitian this afternoon. I'm still progressing well in recovery. I am pretty much abstaining from restricting about 90% of the time, which just blows my mind! I do have urges to purge, but I always fight them off. About 95% of the time I eat what I want to, rather than eating what my eating disorder wants me to eat.
But, I realized today I still have things I need to work really hard on. My body image has been really crappy lately. For a little while it was actually a lot better, so I'm not sure what made me feel so fat again. I still have it in my head that I need to lose weight, that I want to. I have these rules that I have had since my eating disorder began. I have such a hard time eating in front of people. I do way, way better eating in a group situation. If I eat in front of just one person then I feel like they are judging the way I eat. And I hate that feeling. I have this fear of being judged by my roommate for what I buy at the grocery store. So, if she's home, I won't bring in my groceries unless she is either asleep or isn't here. And some things I buy from the store I keep in my room because I am afraid she will judge me for it not being a "good food".
My dietitian scared the heck out of me today when she asked if I would be willing to go out to eat with her one time, as a challenge. I looked at her like she was crazy and I say I couldn't. She said that we can go when I am ready. I'm thinking maybe I'll never be, so maybe I should just go ahead and suck it up. Ahhh but it's so scary, especially with my dietitian? I mean I love her and everything, but she would totally be analyzing how I eat.
I'm anxious to talk to my therapist about all of this. I had therapy this morning, but that was before my dietitian appointment. I'm thinking I want to start focusing on the things the eating disorder holds me back from. I'm feeling ambivalent about therapy right now actually. But I don't feel like getting into that.
But, I realized today I still have things I need to work really hard on. My body image has been really crappy lately. For a little while it was actually a lot better, so I'm not sure what made me feel so fat again. I still have it in my head that I need to lose weight, that I want to. I have these rules that I have had since my eating disorder began. I have such a hard time eating in front of people. I do way, way better eating in a group situation. If I eat in front of just one person then I feel like they are judging the way I eat. And I hate that feeling. I have this fear of being judged by my roommate for what I buy at the grocery store. So, if she's home, I won't bring in my groceries unless she is either asleep or isn't here. And some things I buy from the store I keep in my room because I am afraid she will judge me for it not being a "good food".
My dietitian scared the heck out of me today when she asked if I would be willing to go out to eat with her one time, as a challenge. I looked at her like she was crazy and I say I couldn't. She said that we can go when I am ready. I'm thinking maybe I'll never be, so maybe I should just go ahead and suck it up. Ahhh but it's so scary, especially with my dietitian? I mean I love her and everything, but she would totally be analyzing how I eat.
I'm anxious to talk to my therapist about all of this. I had therapy this morning, but that was before my dietitian appointment. I'm thinking I want to start focusing on the things the eating disorder holds me back from. I'm feeling ambivalent about therapy right now actually. But I don't feel like getting into that.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
A change, a loss, and progress.
Something that I've done with my trauma, is numb all of my feelings. For a long time, for years, I just had the memories, and no emotions. Within the past 7 months, I have identified emotions, been able to express them through writing and talking. It's HUGE progress on my part. I didn't think I would ever feel my feeling again. Now, for the first time in a long time I am allowing myself to cry. Giving myself permission. I finally have learned to "let go". 7 months ago I didn't cry. And for the past week, I have been crying most days.
Now most of this is due to the fact that I'm going through a life change. I'm leaving a job that brought me stress, but also brought me joy. My future in terms of work is unknown, which is scary. It's a big loss. I'm still really emotional from my suicide attempt. I am working through trauma, which is proving to be most exhausting. As much as feeling my feelings sucks, it's totally what I need to be doing, and it's also been very healing.
One part of my life that I'm pleased with is my eating disorder recovery. It's still a road of bumps now and then. But, it's crazy how intuitive my eating is. No guilt about food, no obsessions, no fears, no misery. It feels amazing. To just be able to feel free when it comes to food, free from the prison that is anorexia and bulimia. There are still improvements to be made. But I'm happy with my progress. I feel confident in myself and in my recovery. I wish I could tell you what happened to get me to this place of solid recovery. Believe me, I keep asking myself the same question. But I just don't know. I think something in my head just clicked. I got sick and tired of starving myself and obeying ED. I also think that being open and honest in therapy and really processing and dealing with my trauma was HUGE in not using eating disorder behaviors. I finally was ready to deal with everything.
I wish everyone who is struggling with an eating disorder could at this moment feel the same freedom I do. Because it's amazing, especially if you've been in your eating disorder for years (mine has been 10 years). But there's also something about the journey that's really amazing. I'm not sure I would trade it. I've made lifelong friends whom I think of as sisters. I've met so many amazing, loving people.
Just keep going. Don't let ED tie you down from the life you deserve.
Now most of this is due to the fact that I'm going through a life change. I'm leaving a job that brought me stress, but also brought me joy. My future in terms of work is unknown, which is scary. It's a big loss. I'm still really emotional from my suicide attempt. I am working through trauma, which is proving to be most exhausting. As much as feeling my feelings sucks, it's totally what I need to be doing, and it's also been very healing.
One part of my life that I'm pleased with is my eating disorder recovery. It's still a road of bumps now and then. But, it's crazy how intuitive my eating is. No guilt about food, no obsessions, no fears, no misery. It feels amazing. To just be able to feel free when it comes to food, free from the prison that is anorexia and bulimia. There are still improvements to be made. But I'm happy with my progress. I feel confident in myself and in my recovery. I wish I could tell you what happened to get me to this place of solid recovery. Believe me, I keep asking myself the same question. But I just don't know. I think something in my head just clicked. I got sick and tired of starving myself and obeying ED. I also think that being open and honest in therapy and really processing and dealing with my trauma was HUGE in not using eating disorder behaviors. I finally was ready to deal with everything.
I wish everyone who is struggling with an eating disorder could at this moment feel the same freedom I do. Because it's amazing, especially if you've been in your eating disorder for years (mine has been 10 years). But there's also something about the journey that's really amazing. I'm not sure I would trade it. I've made lifelong friends whom I think of as sisters. I've met so many amazing, loving people.
Just keep going. Don't let ED tie you down from the life you deserve.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sadness
My sadness is so intense these days. I think the fact that I attempted to end my life 2 weeks ago is mentally exhausting, and my emotions are like all over the pace. I'm really starting to get really sad over losing my job. I will be there until the end of next week. The mom hasn't told the kids anything yet, and probably won't until she finds another nanny. Just thinking about her having that conversation with them (and possibly me being a part of that conversation) breaks my heart. I love those kids so much. And that dog, oh my gosh. I love him so much. I've raised him since he was 11 weeks old, and he's almost a year old. I will always be a part of that family though. I will be able to visit and hang out with them. But it will still be sad not seeing them every day. It's going to be hard.
I'm dealing with a lot of trauma issues lately. It's so intense and so scary. I'm hanging on as best I can. I have the world's most amazing therapist.
Eating has been okay. My appetite has been a little hard to find lately. I eat what I want but, often feel guilty about it. I'm struggling a lot with body image, like so much. I wish I could wear sweatpants all day every day. I really want to start working out but...I guess I'm feel like I won't be able to stop. I've never had a problem with exercise before. But I'm just worried it's something I could become obsessed with.
I don't know what else to say. My mind is blank.
I'm dealing with a lot of trauma issues lately. It's so intense and so scary. I'm hanging on as best I can. I have the world's most amazing therapist.
Eating has been okay. My appetite has been a little hard to find lately. I eat what I want but, often feel guilty about it. I'm struggling a lot with body image, like so much. I wish I could wear sweatpants all day every day. I really want to start working out but...I guess I'm feel like I won't be able to stop. I've never had a problem with exercise before. But I'm just worried it's something I could become obsessed with.
I don't know what else to say. My mind is blank.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Coming back to life - where I've been
I've been away from blogging for a while. I've had a lot going on. Last Wednesday, the 9th, I attempted suicide. I took an overdose of sleeping pills, painkillers, and anti-anxiety pills. I realized what I had done and called my mom about 15 minutes after wards. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance, forced to drink an activated charcoal solution in the ER to absorb the pills, was put on oxygen, a heart monitor, pumped with IV fluids, and had tons of blood drawn. I had self-harmed prior to my suicide attempt and my arm was patched up with ointment, and a gauze bandage. About an hour or so later, I was transferred to the psychiatric facility next door. I only spent 48 hours there. The first 24 I mostly slept, sleeping off the medications. My blood work came back with my kidney function impaired, and low liver enzymes. I still don't if there was permanent damage done.
After getting out of the hospital, I moved in with my parents, where I have been since last Friday. It's been really hard. I miss my house, my bed, my room, my privacy. My therapist wants me to stay here until Monday, because she's out of town and wants to make sure I stay safe. My parents joined me in therapy on Monday, and it went okay. They know the full extent of my trauma and how painful and hard it has been and how it's affected me (PTSD, dissocation, etc), yet my mom feels it's okay to question me about it. I'm going nuts.
I'm not feeling depressed anymore, maybe a little bit. But no longer suicidal. My anxiety is pretty high. I guess that's from living at home and...I went back to work today. I will only be at my babysitting job for 2 more weeks. They have to let me go. I understand their reasons. It's the second time I've been in the hospital in 6 months, they need someone reliable. It makes me sad but at the same time I understand.
So, the next couple of months I will just be taking it slow. I will continue to work at the restaurant, and look for a volunteering job.
I feel incredibly regretful for what I did. But I also have made the decision to live, I realize I don't want to die. I reached the ultimate rock bottom with my depression, anxiety, and PTSD. It can only go up from here.
My faith is as strong as ever. I am clinging to God these days, for strength, wisdom, forgiveness, and hope. He makes all things new.
After getting out of the hospital, I moved in with my parents, where I have been since last Friday. It's been really hard. I miss my house, my bed, my room, my privacy. My therapist wants me to stay here until Monday, because she's out of town and wants to make sure I stay safe. My parents joined me in therapy on Monday, and it went okay. They know the full extent of my trauma and how painful and hard it has been and how it's affected me (PTSD, dissocation, etc), yet my mom feels it's okay to question me about it. I'm going nuts.
I'm not feeling depressed anymore, maybe a little bit. But no longer suicidal. My anxiety is pretty high. I guess that's from living at home and...I went back to work today. I will only be at my babysitting job for 2 more weeks. They have to let me go. I understand their reasons. It's the second time I've been in the hospital in 6 months, they need someone reliable. It makes me sad but at the same time I understand.
So, the next couple of months I will just be taking it slow. I will continue to work at the restaurant, and look for a volunteering job.
I feel incredibly regretful for what I did. But I also have made the decision to live, I realize I don't want to die. I reached the ultimate rock bottom with my depression, anxiety, and PTSD. It can only go up from here.
My faith is as strong as ever. I am clinging to God these days, for strength, wisdom, forgiveness, and hope. He makes all things new.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I used to be pretty incapable of taking care of myself. I think I'm finally doing a pretty good job of it though. It's taking time and a lot of hard work, and I'm not perfect at it. I'm becoming more and more normalized with my eating. I saw my dietitian last night and she said that my eating for the past week was normal! She was so shocked (and honestly so was I). I don't really know what changed. I guess I just felt more hungry. It helps when I have an appetite. I had a big freak out last week because my dietitian weighed me and I found out I had gained xlbs over the holidays. People kept telling me it's normal to gain weight over the holidays, but it's never been normal for me. I've always been sick during Christmas. I was so upset over the weight gain. I didn't even care that my dietitian said that all of my numbers were right where they should be. I just felt huge and fat and disgusting. And I still do. But I accept that fact that probably the reason why I gained weight over the holidays was because I was screwing up my metabolism by skipping meals. So I guess that motivated me to start eating normally, and that's what I've been doing.
There are other ways I've been taking care of myself. Even though there are times when I still feel REALLY guilty for reaching out for help, I have been doing it more. I've been in close contact with my treatment team during this past few weeks, while things have been really tough. I'm trying to see if a medication change will help. I'm working on my eating. And I'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable in therapy. My therapist mentioned possibly telling my mom about my trauma history, as she knows very, very little. At first I said NO WAY. But now I'm actually thinking about doing it, only of course if my therapist is there. And she says she absolutely agrees that she should be there. I have therapy tomorrow and I think we are going to discuss it more then.
Other ways I am taking part in self-care is going to sleep earlier, aromatherapy, distraction, and asking for what I need.
I'm still having a rough go with depression. I think maybe it's a little less intense, maybe not so much suicidal ideation going on. It's still something that needs to be watched, however. I have good moments and bad moments. I had a really powerful experience a couple weekends ago. I went to the Saturday evening service at my church. I go alone, I always have. For some reason, I wanted to walk out in the middle of the service. I just didn't feel connected to God or to any of the music or the message that night. I stuck it out though. And at the end of the service, the pastor got up and said if anyone wanted to be prayed for, to approach him afterwards. Something just pulled me over there. And I admitted that I was struggling with a severe depression, and he prayed for me. It was what I needed. I felt God and His presence. Part of the message of the sermon that night was, "God makes the impossible possible." I keep thinking about that.
I've always felt it was impossible to recover from my eating disorder and to heal from all of my trauma. Maybe it's not impossible though. Maybe I can get to a place where I will be okay.
I'm also having a super tough time with PTSD and other trauma issues. Next week is the 2 year anniversary of my rape. I'm growing increasingly anxious about it. Last year on the first anniversary, I took the day off of work and medicated myself and slept all day. This year, I am making it a two day event. On Monday I am walking the labyrinth with my therapist. I did this last summer as a part of the eating disorder group I did, and it was a very powerful experience. On Tuesday, my therapist and I are going to a park near her office and I'm bringing a balloon and she's bringing a sharpie. And I'm going to write on the balloon everything about that night that I want to let go of and release. Then, I'm going to let the balloon go. I'm glad I will have extra support on those two days.
I'm back to my normal work schedule this week. I'm already exhausted. I'm counting down the days to Spring Break already.
As always, taking it day by day, hour by hour.
There are other ways I've been taking care of myself. Even though there are times when I still feel REALLY guilty for reaching out for help, I have been doing it more. I've been in close contact with my treatment team during this past few weeks, while things have been really tough. I'm trying to see if a medication change will help. I'm working on my eating. And I'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable in therapy. My therapist mentioned possibly telling my mom about my trauma history, as she knows very, very little. At first I said NO WAY. But now I'm actually thinking about doing it, only of course if my therapist is there. And she says she absolutely agrees that she should be there. I have therapy tomorrow and I think we are going to discuss it more then.
Other ways I am taking part in self-care is going to sleep earlier, aromatherapy, distraction, and asking for what I need.
I'm still having a rough go with depression. I think maybe it's a little less intense, maybe not so much suicidal ideation going on. It's still something that needs to be watched, however. I have good moments and bad moments. I had a really powerful experience a couple weekends ago. I went to the Saturday evening service at my church. I go alone, I always have. For some reason, I wanted to walk out in the middle of the service. I just didn't feel connected to God or to any of the music or the message that night. I stuck it out though. And at the end of the service, the pastor got up and said if anyone wanted to be prayed for, to approach him afterwards. Something just pulled me over there. And I admitted that I was struggling with a severe depression, and he prayed for me. It was what I needed. I felt God and His presence. Part of the message of the sermon that night was, "God makes the impossible possible." I keep thinking about that.
I've always felt it was impossible to recover from my eating disorder and to heal from all of my trauma. Maybe it's not impossible though. Maybe I can get to a place where I will be okay.
I'm also having a super tough time with PTSD and other trauma issues. Next week is the 2 year anniversary of my rape. I'm growing increasingly anxious about it. Last year on the first anniversary, I took the day off of work and medicated myself and slept all day. This year, I am making it a two day event. On Monday I am walking the labyrinth with my therapist. I did this last summer as a part of the eating disorder group I did, and it was a very powerful experience. On Tuesday, my therapist and I are going to a park near her office and I'm bringing a balloon and she's bringing a sharpie. And I'm going to write on the balloon everything about that night that I want to let go of and release. Then, I'm going to let the balloon go. I'm glad I will have extra support on those two days.
I'm back to my normal work schedule this week. I'm already exhausted. I'm counting down the days to Spring Break already.
As always, taking it day by day, hour by hour.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
hopeless
I haven't been this depressed since July, when I was in the hospital for my depression and suicide plans. I guess what's different is that I have no active plans to kill myself. Part of me wishes I had the guts to do it. It's like I'm miserably stuck in both places, wanting to live and wanting to die. It's a place that's all too familiar.
But I feel very frustrated and irritable. I have no motivation to change things. Even though I'm the loneliest I've ever been, the thought of going out and being more social is unappealing to me and is quite frankly terrifying and depressing. I don't feel needed, by anyone. I stayed alive over the summer because of the family I nanny for. Yes, they need me. I am their babysitter and I have been by a couple different people that if I ever hurt myself, they would be devastated. I know they would. And I'm a horrible person for believe that that isn't enough to keep on going. How selfish of me.
I'm taking my medication, which is something new I'm trying. I'm not convinced it's working. But I take it to put my treatment team at ease. I'm very scared of ending back up in the hospital. It's not some place I want to be. It's cold, sterile, depressing and causes more problems. I keep trying to make myself believe that things will get better. But, it's just not happening. I keep thinking...either I'm going to end up in the hospital again, or I'm going to die.
My parents have no clue what is going on. Maybe my mom suspects something, but I just don't want to explain it. If I were to be admitted to the hospital, they would freak out. I think they would be angry that they didn't know that I was having such a hard time. I'm stressing over the fact that they have a right to know, but not wanting to burden them...as I have done for years.
Even though I'm unmotivated, I'm desperate to see and talk to my therapist, who has been out of the office. She always helps me to get back on track. I need her help. I can't seem to help myself these days. I'm not even really eating, now that I think about it. I just don't think about it. I just lay in bed all day.
I would love nothing more than to take back my hope, to feel joy, to come out of the depths of this depression, to thrive, and not just survive. I really want that for myself. The problem is, I don't think I'm capable of it. I don't think that I'm worthy. I don't think it's in my future plans.
Trauma issues are very present and a roadblock to feeling safe again. I've had intense flashbacks, nightmares, and overwhelming emotions. I don't feel like going into it. A big anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I'm beyond anxious for it.
My memory is terrible. I literally feel like I'm losing my mind. I wonder if it's an effect of the trauma. I have no idea. I just want to feel like I know what's going on around me.
I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I have the worst panic feeling in my chest. Depression is making me sick. I'm really, really scared of going back to work on Monday. I can't even imagine how I'm going to deal with it. Here comes that panic feeling in my chest again.
I'm not sure what to do. I see my therapist on Wednesday. I wish it would hurry up. I'm hanging on by a thread.
But I feel very frustrated and irritable. I have no motivation to change things. Even though I'm the loneliest I've ever been, the thought of going out and being more social is unappealing to me and is quite frankly terrifying and depressing. I don't feel needed, by anyone. I stayed alive over the summer because of the family I nanny for. Yes, they need me. I am their babysitter and I have been by a couple different people that if I ever hurt myself, they would be devastated. I know they would. And I'm a horrible person for believe that that isn't enough to keep on going. How selfish of me.
I'm taking my medication, which is something new I'm trying. I'm not convinced it's working. But I take it to put my treatment team at ease. I'm very scared of ending back up in the hospital. It's not some place I want to be. It's cold, sterile, depressing and causes more problems. I keep trying to make myself believe that things will get better. But, it's just not happening. I keep thinking...either I'm going to end up in the hospital again, or I'm going to die.
My parents have no clue what is going on. Maybe my mom suspects something, but I just don't want to explain it. If I were to be admitted to the hospital, they would freak out. I think they would be angry that they didn't know that I was having such a hard time. I'm stressing over the fact that they have a right to know, but not wanting to burden them...as I have done for years.
Even though I'm unmotivated, I'm desperate to see and talk to my therapist, who has been out of the office. She always helps me to get back on track. I need her help. I can't seem to help myself these days. I'm not even really eating, now that I think about it. I just don't think about it. I just lay in bed all day.
I would love nothing more than to take back my hope, to feel joy, to come out of the depths of this depression, to thrive, and not just survive. I really want that for myself. The problem is, I don't think I'm capable of it. I don't think that I'm worthy. I don't think it's in my future plans.
Trauma issues are very present and a roadblock to feeling safe again. I've had intense flashbacks, nightmares, and overwhelming emotions. I don't feel like going into it. A big anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I'm beyond anxious for it.
My memory is terrible. I literally feel like I'm losing my mind. I wonder if it's an effect of the trauma. I have no idea. I just want to feel like I know what's going on around me.
I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I have the worst panic feeling in my chest. Depression is making me sick. I'm really, really scared of going back to work on Monday. I can't even imagine how I'm going to deal with it. Here comes that panic feeling in my chest again.
I'm not sure what to do. I see my therapist on Wednesday. I wish it would hurry up. I'm hanging on by a thread.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
I survived the holidays (so far)
This is my least favorite time of year. I used to love Christmas as a kid, but as I've grown older, it's been tainted with memories of hospitalizations, treatment center stays, deep depression, and traumatic events. I survived this year. I think it really helped being off of work this week. I have been able to relax, which is something I haven't done in many months. My parent's held a Christmas Eve party at their house with close friends and family, and then turned out to be okay I guess. Christmas morning and opening presents was enjoyable as well, and then I just napped/relaxed the rest of the day.
My therapist is out of the office this week and won't be back until next Wednesday. I was freaking out a lot about her being gone and was scared I wouldn't be able to handle it. So, I told her exactly that, and she was very supportive and reassuring. During our session last week, she called another therapist in her office (that was actually the clinical director at RR East when I was there) and he agreed to see me this week just so I can have someone to check in with. That eased my fears a lot. It's been so busy with shopping, parties, gifts, etc the past few days that I haven't had much time to think of anything else. Which is good I guess. I did end up sobbing in my childhood bedroom on Christmas Day. I felt so full of sadness, over so many things. It was so overwhelming and lonely. Now I feel depressed and anxious, and mostly full of fear.
I saw my psychiatrist today, which was good to have his support as well. He convinced me to talk to my therapist about some things I want to try in therapy. I don't know why I'm scared to talk to her about it. Actually, I think I'm scared to talk to her about it because I'm scared she will leave me in some way, shape, or form...just like everyone else. But, I can't wait to see her next week and be open and honest with her.
I'm so worried about going back to work next week. I just don't want to. It stresses me out SO much. It often feels like it's slowly killing me, or making me want to kill myself. I'm really unhappy, which really isn't anything new. But it feels more paralyzing by the day.
It feels like a hopeless situation.
My therapist is out of the office this week and won't be back until next Wednesday. I was freaking out a lot about her being gone and was scared I wouldn't be able to handle it. So, I told her exactly that, and she was very supportive and reassuring. During our session last week, she called another therapist in her office (that was actually the clinical director at RR East when I was there) and he agreed to see me this week just so I can have someone to check in with. That eased my fears a lot. It's been so busy with shopping, parties, gifts, etc the past few days that I haven't had much time to think of anything else. Which is good I guess. I did end up sobbing in my childhood bedroom on Christmas Day. I felt so full of sadness, over so many things. It was so overwhelming and lonely. Now I feel depressed and anxious, and mostly full of fear.
I saw my psychiatrist today, which was good to have his support as well. He convinced me to talk to my therapist about some things I want to try in therapy. I don't know why I'm scared to talk to her about it. Actually, I think I'm scared to talk to her about it because I'm scared she will leave me in some way, shape, or form...just like everyone else. But, I can't wait to see her next week and be open and honest with her.
I'm so worried about going back to work next week. I just don't want to. It stresses me out SO much. It often feels like it's slowly killing me, or making me want to kill myself. I'm really unhappy, which really isn't anything new. But it feels more paralyzing by the day.
It feels like a hopeless situation.
Monday, December 17, 2012
really struggling emotionally
I don't really know how I'm getting through the days right now. Probably because I'm in therapy twice a week. And I'm sure my medications are having me holding on by a thread. And, the once in a while good or fun thing that happens. But that's it.
I'm really depressed. Nights are the hardest. I get this heavy/panic feeling in my chest. And I get scared. I'm not sure what I'm scared of. I just feel like I need to talk to someone. In the back of my head, I know things I can do to soothe or calm myself. But it's so hard to remember to do that. I am borderline suicidal. I say borderline because I don't have any plans to kill myself. But I am miserable. I feel like I'm in a deep, endless black hole. Like, I'm so, so unhappy.
I'm terrified because my therapist is going to be out of the office next week, and I won't see her for two weeks. And I won't be able to call her I don't think. She gave me the pager number of her partner in the office next to her. But I wouldn't really feel comfortable calling her unless it was an urgent crisis. I've never even met her.
I'm just really, really scared that I'm not going to be able to communicate with my therapist. More scared than I am willing admit to her. I saw her today, and I see her again on Wendesday.
We had a discussion on Friday about if I ever feel like the trauma symptoms are too much and if I'm feeling unsafe, that instead of going to a psychiatric hospital, she would want to send me to a treatment center that's for trauma related issues. That's a really scary thought. Sometimes I think I need to do that. But I don't want to leave my therapist. She is the only person I can talk to about EVERYTHING. She's the only one I trust.
I just don't know how much longer I can hang in.
I'm really depressed. Nights are the hardest. I get this heavy/panic feeling in my chest. And I get scared. I'm not sure what I'm scared of. I just feel like I need to talk to someone. In the back of my head, I know things I can do to soothe or calm myself. But it's so hard to remember to do that. I am borderline suicidal. I say borderline because I don't have any plans to kill myself. But I am miserable. I feel like I'm in a deep, endless black hole. Like, I'm so, so unhappy.
I'm terrified because my therapist is going to be out of the office next week, and I won't see her for two weeks. And I won't be able to call her I don't think. She gave me the pager number of her partner in the office next to her. But I wouldn't really feel comfortable calling her unless it was an urgent crisis. I've never even met her.
I'm just really, really scared that I'm not going to be able to communicate with my therapist. More scared than I am willing admit to her. I saw her today, and I see her again on Wendesday.
We had a discussion on Friday about if I ever feel like the trauma symptoms are too much and if I'm feeling unsafe, that instead of going to a psychiatric hospital, she would want to send me to a treatment center that's for trauma related issues. That's a really scary thought. Sometimes I think I need to do that. But I don't want to leave my therapist. She is the only person I can talk to about EVERYTHING. She's the only one I trust.
I just don't know how much longer I can hang in.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
discouraged and frustrated
I'm so frustrated with myself these days. I beat myself up daily for not being able to handle things better than I think I should be. Every one tells me that the healing process and recovery process is such a journey and that it will get easier and hurt less. But I'm just exhausted with the process and really discouraged. I mean, I know I have made progress since I began seeing my new therapist over the summer. I made progress that I didn't even know that I needed to make. But it's so difficult and I'm so tired.
I think the trauma work has to be the hardest. There are times when I feel so much better after venting about it or writing about it. And then there are other times, like today, when I feel so incredibly stupid for being so upset over it and not being able to be stronger about it. I got so depressed after therapy this morning. I wanted to cry so much. I kept saying to myself, "I hate this, I hate this." I had one of those moments where I told myself that I didn't want to do this anymore, that I was done. I thought about the psychiatric hospital and as awful as a place that is, today it felt like it would be a safe place for me. To just take a break from work and family and drama. That's not reality though. I need to learn how to deal with what's going on in my life.
I know I am way too hard on myself. People have been telling me this for years. It's just confusing how some times I can be so forgiving of myself and what I'm going through, and other times I feel stupid, dumb, weak, annoying, and worthless. And I care SO much about what other people think about me and how I go through life. I want it to be the "right way", if there is such a thing. Ugh.
I am struggling a little bit with restricting. I feel like I'm in this almost constant state of anxiety or being overwhelmed, or not being able to focus on taking care of myself. And it's so easy to just forget to eat or skip a meal. I hate doing it. I'm mad that my eating disorder is making me feel stuck.
Depression is wrapping me up and consuming me as the days go by. Each day I feel a little less motivated. Simple tasks such as laundry, grocery shopping, going to the bank, taking out the trash, showering, and doing my make up are starting to become very hard tasks.
I'm so tired all the time. Really. All the time. I could fall asleep anytime, anywhere. It's 7:30pm here and I could seriously fall asleep in seconds.
I have to make it through this Winter. Somehow, it needs to be done.
I think the trauma work has to be the hardest. There are times when I feel so much better after venting about it or writing about it. And then there are other times, like today, when I feel so incredibly stupid for being so upset over it and not being able to be stronger about it. I got so depressed after therapy this morning. I wanted to cry so much. I kept saying to myself, "I hate this, I hate this." I had one of those moments where I told myself that I didn't want to do this anymore, that I was done. I thought about the psychiatric hospital and as awful as a place that is, today it felt like it would be a safe place for me. To just take a break from work and family and drama. That's not reality though. I need to learn how to deal with what's going on in my life.
I know I am way too hard on myself. People have been telling me this for years. It's just confusing how some times I can be so forgiving of myself and what I'm going through, and other times I feel stupid, dumb, weak, annoying, and worthless. And I care SO much about what other people think about me and how I go through life. I want it to be the "right way", if there is such a thing. Ugh.
I am struggling a little bit with restricting. I feel like I'm in this almost constant state of anxiety or being overwhelmed, or not being able to focus on taking care of myself. And it's so easy to just forget to eat or skip a meal. I hate doing it. I'm mad that my eating disorder is making me feel stuck.
Depression is wrapping me up and consuming me as the days go by. Each day I feel a little less motivated. Simple tasks such as laundry, grocery shopping, going to the bank, taking out the trash, showering, and doing my make up are starting to become very hard tasks.
I'm so tired all the time. Really. All the time. I could fall asleep anytime, anywhere. It's 7:30pm here and I could seriously fall asleep in seconds.
I have to make it through this Winter. Somehow, it needs to be done.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
it gets worse before it gets better.
The title of this post is so true when it comes to healing from trauma. I've been working really hard with my therapist since the end of the summer. It's been so hard, and so painful. But I am making progress. But it's still hard. Today was one of the most intense and overwhelming therapy sessions I've ever had. I had a full on breakdown/flashback/dissociative episode. My therapist responded in the most perfect way and I was so glad she was there for me. I was SO out of it after therapy. I felt like I had just run a marathon. My therapist walked me out and down the hall to the elevator, but she must have sensed that I was still really out of it. She rode down the elevator with me. I don't know how, but I drove myself home. I was so dizzy and everything was fuzzy and I think I was still disconnected. I got home and had a little over an hour before I needed to be at work. I literally walked up the stairs to my room, took off my shoes, and crawled under my bed covers and set my alarm for when I needed to wake up to go to work. I instantly fell asleep. Once I woke up I felt better. It was just really intense and I've kind of felt down in the dumps all day and not motivated at all. I'm now at home and in my bed with a heating pad on my chest. I feel anxious that that intense feeling and experience will happen again , but this time alone. I just need to distract, distract, distract.
I've decided that I want to go back to school. Although, I have NO idea how I am going to pay for that. I want to get my associate's degree in early childhood education, and eventually teach pre-school. I think that would be a perfect job for me. I could technically get my degree by taking online classes through the local community college. But I do need to do more research. Figure out what preschools require you to have a degree or not, or if I need any type of certification. And of course, if I need to go back to school, figure out how to pay for it. I'm tired of the jobs I have now. They aren't challenging and I'm really unhappy at them.
Friday I am going to my regular doctor to get checked out. I have been having some really distressing symptoms for the past couple of months. I am nauseous every day, bloated to the point where I look pregnant, I have night sweats and hot flashes, insomnia, irregular periods, episodes of vertigo, etc. I saw my dietitian on Monday night and she weighed me on her super duper scale and I had a really high level of fluid in me, and I had gained weight. I told her about my symptoms and she is convinced I have some sort of hormonal imbalance. It's also been suggested that I have some sort of thyroid issue. Anyway, I'm just really anxious to get some answer about what's going on with me. Because I'm miserable.
Not much else is going on. I'm still motivated for recovery, but otherwise I'm really unhappy.
I've decided that I want to go back to school. Although, I have NO idea how I am going to pay for that. I want to get my associate's degree in early childhood education, and eventually teach pre-school. I think that would be a perfect job for me. I could technically get my degree by taking online classes through the local community college. But I do need to do more research. Figure out what preschools require you to have a degree or not, or if I need any type of certification. And of course, if I need to go back to school, figure out how to pay for it. I'm tired of the jobs I have now. They aren't challenging and I'm really unhappy at them.
Friday I am going to my regular doctor to get checked out. I have been having some really distressing symptoms for the past couple of months. I am nauseous every day, bloated to the point where I look pregnant, I have night sweats and hot flashes, insomnia, irregular periods, episodes of vertigo, etc. I saw my dietitian on Monday night and she weighed me on her super duper scale and I had a really high level of fluid in me, and I had gained weight. I told her about my symptoms and she is convinced I have some sort of hormonal imbalance. It's also been suggested that I have some sort of thyroid issue. Anyway, I'm just really anxious to get some answer about what's going on with me. Because I'm miserable.
Not much else is going on. I'm still motivated for recovery, but otherwise I'm really unhappy.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Defeated
I had the following conversation in my head tonight. Well, it's not really a conversation, as it was completely one sided. I guess this is just the way I'm feeling these days.
I'm so tired. I'm so miserable. I'm so unhappy. My life is so messed up. I am miserable at my jobs, just so depressed. While I am eating like a semi-normal person and I don't have eating disordered thoughts, I stress out about money every day. It takes too much energy sometimes for me to clean my room, take a shower, or do laundry. Waking up in the morning I immediately look forward to getting off work so I can get back into m bed. My family drives me absolutely insane. And I'm still the person I've always been to them. Different, annoying, weird, exhausting. I have no local friends. I never go out. I go to work, and come home. That's it. I don't have enough money to spend on myself. I don't even having enough money to buy my friends and family Christmas presents. I hate the cold weather more than anything and the upcoming holidays aren't doing a damn thing to help my depression. I'm as lonely as I've ever been, I think. I wish my best friends Ashley and Michelle lived closer to me. I'm doing the hardest, most draining and exhausting work of my life in therapy processing my trauma. I'm so pissed off because I never wanted those things to happen to me. I never asked to be sexually assaulted. I didn't choose those things. I NEVER really had a chance in this world, not for a happy life. I've never been happy. It's always been taken away or damaged.
I WANT to live. I want to have that chance. I want to be happy. I feel like somewhere deep inside me, I believe that I am somehow supposed to be, and that I'm not supposed to be this dried up, pathetic, 24 year old nothing, who has never accomplished anything in her life. I really want to live. If I took my own life, I KNOW people would be sad and miss me, especially certain ones I think about quite often. I would never, ever want to hurt them or disappoint them. And, I would never want to leave them. My treatment team, my two best friends, my second mom, the family I babysit for, Sophie, Grady, and my roommate. I never, ever want to hurt them. It breaks my heart to think of them being so sad. So I really do want to live, but I CANNOT see myself as happy, at peace, or full of life. I am exhausted of the same old shit in my life that goes as far back as I can remember. I've always felt differently, acted differently, suffered differently.
I cannot believe that there is better for me out there, that it's going to happen for me.
I am not suicidal, even though this post may suggest otherwise. I am just hopeless. I'm exhausted.
I have therapy in the morning. I am going to say all of this. I don't want to end back up in the hospital and I don't want to be suicidal. I need to know how to be more than all of this.
I'm so tired. I'm so miserable. I'm so unhappy. My life is so messed up. I am miserable at my jobs, just so depressed. While I am eating like a semi-normal person and I don't have eating disordered thoughts, I stress out about money every day. It takes too much energy sometimes for me to clean my room, take a shower, or do laundry. Waking up in the morning I immediately look forward to getting off work so I can get back into m bed. My family drives me absolutely insane. And I'm still the person I've always been to them. Different, annoying, weird, exhausting. I have no local friends. I never go out. I go to work, and come home. That's it. I don't have enough money to spend on myself. I don't even having enough money to buy my friends and family Christmas presents. I hate the cold weather more than anything and the upcoming holidays aren't doing a damn thing to help my depression. I'm as lonely as I've ever been, I think. I wish my best friends Ashley and Michelle lived closer to me. I'm doing the hardest, most draining and exhausting work of my life in therapy processing my trauma. I'm so pissed off because I never wanted those things to happen to me. I never asked to be sexually assaulted. I didn't choose those things. I NEVER really had a chance in this world, not for a happy life. I've never been happy. It's always been taken away or damaged.
I WANT to live. I want to have that chance. I want to be happy. I feel like somewhere deep inside me, I believe that I am somehow supposed to be, and that I'm not supposed to be this dried up, pathetic, 24 year old nothing, who has never accomplished anything in her life. I really want to live. If I took my own life, I KNOW people would be sad and miss me, especially certain ones I think about quite often. I would never, ever want to hurt them or disappoint them. And, I would never want to leave them. My treatment team, my two best friends, my second mom, the family I babysit for, Sophie, Grady, and my roommate. I never, ever want to hurt them. It breaks my heart to think of them being so sad. So I really do want to live, but I CANNOT see myself as happy, at peace, or full of life. I am exhausted of the same old shit in my life that goes as far back as I can remember. I've always felt differently, acted differently, suffered differently.
I cannot believe that there is better for me out there, that it's going to happen for me.
I am not suicidal, even though this post may suggest otherwise. I am just hopeless. I'm exhausted.
I have therapy in the morning. I am going to say all of this. I don't want to end back up in the hospital and I don't want to be suicidal. I need to know how to be more than all of this.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Hurting So Much
I am hurting so much these days. I feel so, so much sadness, grief,
pain, fear, etc about my traumas. It literally makes me heart ache. I
feel it in my chest and in my stomach. Sometimes I just want to scream. I
love to write, it's one of my favorite coping skills. But lately that's
been too hard because it makes me think about the pain. And I just want
it to go away. It feels like it will never stop coming.
Flashbacks are becoming more frequent lately. I'm not sure why, maybe because Winter is when some of the trauma happened. I feel triggered by the smallest things, and it sends me into panic mode. I have had nightmares two nights in a row and it's left me almost non-functional.
I asked my therapist if we could increase our sessions to twice a week, and she is on board with that. So that helped me feel some relief. But it still hurts so much. I never knew it was possible to feel so much pain.
I'm so scared of everything. I wish I could build a bubble around myself and not be in touch with reality.
I cried a little bit about my trauma last night. But not much, because it felt scary and I was alone and I don't want to be alone with those emotions. Night time is the hardest and I have trouble relaxing.
I know I'm not alone, but I'm lonely. I just want someone to wrap me up in their arms and hold me tight until the pain goes away.
Flashbacks are becoming more frequent lately. I'm not sure why, maybe because Winter is when some of the trauma happened. I feel triggered by the smallest things, and it sends me into panic mode. I have had nightmares two nights in a row and it's left me almost non-functional.
I asked my therapist if we could increase our sessions to twice a week, and she is on board with that. So that helped me feel some relief. But it still hurts so much. I never knew it was possible to feel so much pain.
I'm so scared of everything. I wish I could build a bubble around myself and not be in touch with reality.
I cried a little bit about my trauma last night. But not much, because it felt scary and I was alone and I don't want to be alone with those emotions. Night time is the hardest and I have trouble relaxing.
I know I'm not alone, but I'm lonely. I just want someone to wrap me up in their arms and hold me tight until the pain goes away.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
If I just...breathe
I feel like I've packed a week into the past 3 days. I've had so many appointments, work obligations, and errands to run. For the most part my appointments have gone really well. My doctor appointment on Monday that my therapist came with me too was really difficult, but it went well at the same time. I'm just glad it's over and hopefully I won't have to go back for another year (crosses fingers). It was just really scary and made everything that's happened to me a bigger reality than it already is. I honestly could not have gotten through that appointment without having my therapist there. She helped slow down my breathing before, during, and after the exam. She told me proud she was of me, and how much she felt honored that I asked her to come with me.
I saw my dietitian Monday night for the first time in a few weeks. It went really, really well. My dietitian was just so happy with how I've been doing and so excited. Even though I see her again in two weeks, I think I will be able to cut back to possible every 3 weeks. I know I'm still kind of fragile with recovery, and no, not everything is all better. But, I feel like I know what I need to do now and feel like I'm making healthy choices and following my hunger cues (which is HUGE for me!)
Before I committed to recovery this time around, every time I read someone's blog or Facebook status or a book about how great recovery felt to them and how much better life was, I rolled my eyes. Everyone just said the same thing about it. And I was so terrified of recovery. And honestly, I now understand what they were saying about recovery. And, it's going to continue to get better for me, which fills me with so much hope. People who didn't understand eating disorders always used to say to me, "You have to choose to live!" And I feel like I was making that choice, but I didn't know if I could actually do it. Recovery from an eating disorder is so much more than, breakfast, lunch and dinner and a snack, oh and weight gain supplements if you need them and healthy exercise. I mean, there are layers and layers to all of those things that no one could possibly understand if you didn't have an eating disorder.
I don't think I made the choice this time around to finally give recovery my all. I think it just naturally came when I started to be completely open in therapy. I think all the bottled up emotions and memories were released and I didn't have to pretend anymore. I didn't have to hide. But I do make the choice day in and day out to eat, even when I'm anxious or nauseous or upset about something. And I'm not perfect about it. I do have my slips still. But I cannot even begin to explain the huge weight I have felt lifted off of my shoulders.
I saw my therapist this morning. It was a tough appointment. We talked a lot about family dynamics, which is honestly my least favorite topic of all time. Anyway, I don't feel comfortable explaining all of it in my blog because I don't want to bash my family on the internet, but my therapist told me to read "The Dance of Anger". I've already bought it and started reading it.
I'm excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow, mainly just the food part. Not too excited about spending time with family, but it is what it is.
I also saw my psychiatrist today. And I told him that I know this Winter is going to be really tough on me because of the weather, depression, and anniversaries. I said I just want to make it through this season without be hospitalized. He said that was a good goal. I really hope I can do it.
Just gotta survive until March, and then I can breathe again.
I saw my dietitian Monday night for the first time in a few weeks. It went really, really well. My dietitian was just so happy with how I've been doing and so excited. Even though I see her again in two weeks, I think I will be able to cut back to possible every 3 weeks. I know I'm still kind of fragile with recovery, and no, not everything is all better. But, I feel like I know what I need to do now and feel like I'm making healthy choices and following my hunger cues (which is HUGE for me!)
Before I committed to recovery this time around, every time I read someone's blog or Facebook status or a book about how great recovery felt to them and how much better life was, I rolled my eyes. Everyone just said the same thing about it. And I was so terrified of recovery. And honestly, I now understand what they were saying about recovery. And, it's going to continue to get better for me, which fills me with so much hope. People who didn't understand eating disorders always used to say to me, "You have to choose to live!" And I feel like I was making that choice, but I didn't know if I could actually do it. Recovery from an eating disorder is so much more than, breakfast, lunch and dinner and a snack, oh and weight gain supplements if you need them and healthy exercise. I mean, there are layers and layers to all of those things that no one could possibly understand if you didn't have an eating disorder.
I don't think I made the choice this time around to finally give recovery my all. I think it just naturally came when I started to be completely open in therapy. I think all the bottled up emotions and memories were released and I didn't have to pretend anymore. I didn't have to hide. But I do make the choice day in and day out to eat, even when I'm anxious or nauseous or upset about something. And I'm not perfect about it. I do have my slips still. But I cannot even begin to explain the huge weight I have felt lifted off of my shoulders.
I saw my therapist this morning. It was a tough appointment. We talked a lot about family dynamics, which is honestly my least favorite topic of all time. Anyway, I don't feel comfortable explaining all of it in my blog because I don't want to bash my family on the internet, but my therapist told me to read "The Dance of Anger". I've already bought it and started reading it.
I'm excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow, mainly just the food part. Not too excited about spending time with family, but it is what it is.
I also saw my psychiatrist today. And I told him that I know this Winter is going to be really tough on me because of the weather, depression, and anniversaries. I said I just want to make it through this season without be hospitalized. He said that was a good goal. I really hope I can do it.
Just gotta survive until March, and then I can breathe again.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Super Anxious
I have to write a blog about what's going on tomorrow, among other things. I am super anxious and flipping out about it. I should probably just go to bed, since I have to be up at 8am anyway.
So, tomorrow I have my annual gynecologist appointment. Shouldn't be such a big deal, but since I have a history of trauma, it's kind of really scary. My therapist is coming with me. Yeah, that might sound awkward, and it kind of feels that way. But in all honesty, I am so glad she will be there to help me through it, lead me through visualizations and deep breathing.
I guess what I'm scared of the most is some of the questions I have to ask my doctor. I feel stupid for needing/wanting to ask them, but at the same time...it's better to be safe than sorry, right?
I graduated from my eating disorders support group on Friday night. It was, surreal. I'm glad that my ED is no longer a huge weight on my shoulders, as I am already going through so much already. Each member of the group gave me affirmations and it was really cool to hear what they think of me. It made me feel pretty special. No, I am not recovered. I'm not sure what that word means or looks like. I do know that I have other things to work on with my ED recovery. Eating breakfast, no more restricting, eating through the anxiety, and a couple of other things. But it doesn't feel like this terrible disease inside me anymore. It's manageable . I see my dietitian tomorrow. I'm a little anxious as to how that will go. Sometimes I think I am doing great with food, and then she asks what I've been eating and she tells me how it's not enough. I have been really anxious lately, so eating has been difficult, but not impossible.
Depression continues to be a struggle. Of course, some days are better than others. Sometimes I question how I make it through day to day. I guess I just survive, that's all I can do.
I'm feeling, very very lonely. I don't think I've gone out with a friend in a couple of months. It just makes me sad. I think I'm too depressed to try and go out and do things, unless I HAVE to do them. Please oh please, I hope I make it through this Winter without being hospitalized.
Bah humbug.
So, tomorrow I have my annual gynecologist appointment. Shouldn't be such a big deal, but since I have a history of trauma, it's kind of really scary. My therapist is coming with me. Yeah, that might sound awkward, and it kind of feels that way. But in all honesty, I am so glad she will be there to help me through it, lead me through visualizations and deep breathing.
I guess what I'm scared of the most is some of the questions I have to ask my doctor. I feel stupid for needing/wanting to ask them, but at the same time...it's better to be safe than sorry, right?
I graduated from my eating disorders support group on Friday night. It was, surreal. I'm glad that my ED is no longer a huge weight on my shoulders, as I am already going through so much already. Each member of the group gave me affirmations and it was really cool to hear what they think of me. It made me feel pretty special. No, I am not recovered. I'm not sure what that word means or looks like. I do know that I have other things to work on with my ED recovery. Eating breakfast, no more restricting, eating through the anxiety, and a couple of other things. But it doesn't feel like this terrible disease inside me anymore. It's manageable . I see my dietitian tomorrow. I'm a little anxious as to how that will go. Sometimes I think I am doing great with food, and then she asks what I've been eating and she tells me how it's not enough. I have been really anxious lately, so eating has been difficult, but not impossible.
Depression continues to be a struggle. Of course, some days are better than others. Sometimes I question how I make it through day to day. I guess I just survive, that's all I can do.
I'm feeling, very very lonely. I don't think I've gone out with a friend in a couple of months. It just makes me sad. I think I'm too depressed to try and go out and do things, unless I HAVE to do them. Please oh please, I hope I make it through this Winter without being hospitalized.
Bah humbug.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Darkness
I hate this time of year. Starting a couple weeks ago until warmer weather gets here, I absolutely loathe this time of year.
I've always struggled with depression, but Winter time is a scary time for me. I'm already feeling really scared about it. It seems like no matter how good things are, I am always depressed. Like right now, I'm doing really, really well with ED recovery, and while my jobs are stressful...at least I have a job. But lately, I've been thinking about dying a lot. I wouldn't call myself suicidal, as I have no plans to kill myself. But, I guess I'm such deep emotional pain these days that dying would feel like a relief. I told my therapist all of this today, which was really hard because I don't want to scare her or worry her. She gave me a few reminders as to why I CAN'T hurt myself. She said it would hurt the kids I babysit, and it would hurt her too if I did anything to myself.
I just get so paralyzed by my depression sometimes, and it totally sucks. It's the heaviest feeling on my chest and I feel so incompetent of handling real life. I just way to lay in my bed for days. I don't really know if this depression is something that can be fixed or made better with medication. I'm on a pretty high dosage right now, and I guess I could go higher, but that also makes me uncomfortable because I also don't want to be totally numb.
I'm not nervous for Thanksgiving, not about the food part. I have really no worries about it. I'm just not a huge fan of spending extended time with family. But, I'll deal with it.
PTSD sucks and it has really been tough lately. I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. Alcohol and PTSD are not a good combination. Needless to say, I won't be drinking again for a while. I just feel so on edge about sudden noises and movements these days. I felt so stupid because tonight in the grocery store there was a big bang behind me from something falling and I jumped probably a foot in the air. I nearly had a heart attack. I get so frustrated with things like that.
I'm just not in a good place tonight. I feel very sad and very depressed. And very lonely.
I've always struggled with depression, but Winter time is a scary time for me. I'm already feeling really scared about it. It seems like no matter how good things are, I am always depressed. Like right now, I'm doing really, really well with ED recovery, and while my jobs are stressful...at least I have a job. But lately, I've been thinking about dying a lot. I wouldn't call myself suicidal, as I have no plans to kill myself. But, I guess I'm such deep emotional pain these days that dying would feel like a relief. I told my therapist all of this today, which was really hard because I don't want to scare her or worry her. She gave me a few reminders as to why I CAN'T hurt myself. She said it would hurt the kids I babysit, and it would hurt her too if I did anything to myself.
I just get so paralyzed by my depression sometimes, and it totally sucks. It's the heaviest feeling on my chest and I feel so incompetent of handling real life. I just way to lay in my bed for days. I don't really know if this depression is something that can be fixed or made better with medication. I'm on a pretty high dosage right now, and I guess I could go higher, but that also makes me uncomfortable because I also don't want to be totally numb.
I'm not nervous for Thanksgiving, not about the food part. I have really no worries about it. I'm just not a huge fan of spending extended time with family. But, I'll deal with it.
PTSD sucks and it has really been tough lately. I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. Alcohol and PTSD are not a good combination. Needless to say, I won't be drinking again for a while. I just feel so on edge about sudden noises and movements these days. I felt so stupid because tonight in the grocery store there was a big bang behind me from something falling and I jumped probably a foot in the air. I nearly had a heart attack. I get so frustrated with things like that.
I'm just not in a good place tonight. I feel very sad and very depressed. And very lonely.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
This Is What Healing Feels Like
I am in recovery from two things these days; my eating disorder, and my childhood and adult trauma.
The eating disorder recovery has been SUCH a roller coaster. I mean, I've never been able to go a full year in recovery without relapsing in all my 10 years of my ED. And this past summer, I pretty much reached a full blown relapse. I always thought the cause of my eating disorder was my anxiety, my depression, and other insecurities. What I didn't really realize until a month or so ago, is that it was what CAUSED the anxiety, depression, and insecurities that lead to my eating disorder.
What caused the eating disorder was the multiple traumas I have endured throughout my life. My version of coping with my traumas was restricting, binging, binging AND purging, counting calories, obsessing over my appearance and weight, self-mutilation, threatening suicide, and repressing memories.
The past couple of months I have began to fully deal with my trauma with a new therapist. I have been doing such hard work. It's been exhausting, draining, and terrifying. But it's also been immensely healing. For so many years, I used self-destructive behaviors to avoid feeling my feelings. But since a couple months ago when my therapist gave me permission to allow myself to feel sad, hurt, scared, and angry, I have been improving with my recovery from my eating disorder.
I no longer weigh myself. In fact, I am content with my weight, and it's healthy and natural. I don't count calories. I don't obsess in the mirror. I haven't self-harmed in a couple months. I haven't purged since July. I don't really ever think about purging. I don't worry about what I eat. I eat what tastes good, and am learning to trust my hunger cues.
It's weird to say this but...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with my eating disorder. Weird, but good!
Now I feel like I'm fighting this battle (and winning) with trauma related issues. It's probably the hardest and scariest thing I've ever done. To be raw and vulnerable with my therapist. To work through memories, feelings, flashbacks, and nightmares. I'm having a hard time allowing myself to release the pain. Writing is helping though, and being in therapy. But I've rarely let myself cry. I have SO many new coping skills now that are actually very helpful. And sometimes, nights can be so scary and hard that I put in a phone call to my therapist on her cell phone, like I did tonight. I sobbed my heart out to my therapist over the phone. She knew exactly how to help me though. She talked me through it, let me know it was just a memory, just a wave that's going to eventually pass. She got me breathing again, did some guided imagery with me, calmed me down and eventually the wave passed.
I'm healing my mind, soul, and body these days.
The eating disorder recovery has been SUCH a roller coaster. I mean, I've never been able to go a full year in recovery without relapsing in all my 10 years of my ED. And this past summer, I pretty much reached a full blown relapse. I always thought the cause of my eating disorder was my anxiety, my depression, and other insecurities. What I didn't really realize until a month or so ago, is that it was what CAUSED the anxiety, depression, and insecurities that lead to my eating disorder.
What caused the eating disorder was the multiple traumas I have endured throughout my life. My version of coping with my traumas was restricting, binging, binging AND purging, counting calories, obsessing over my appearance and weight, self-mutilation, threatening suicide, and repressing memories.
The past couple of months I have began to fully deal with my trauma with a new therapist. I have been doing such hard work. It's been exhausting, draining, and terrifying. But it's also been immensely healing. For so many years, I used self-destructive behaviors to avoid feeling my feelings. But since a couple months ago when my therapist gave me permission to allow myself to feel sad, hurt, scared, and angry, I have been improving with my recovery from my eating disorder.
I no longer weigh myself. In fact, I am content with my weight, and it's healthy and natural. I don't count calories. I don't obsess in the mirror. I haven't self-harmed in a couple months. I haven't purged since July. I don't really ever think about purging. I don't worry about what I eat. I eat what tastes good, and am learning to trust my hunger cues.
It's weird to say this but...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with my eating disorder. Weird, but good!
Now I feel like I'm fighting this battle (and winning) with trauma related issues. It's probably the hardest and scariest thing I've ever done. To be raw and vulnerable with my therapist. To work through memories, feelings, flashbacks, and nightmares. I'm having a hard time allowing myself to release the pain. Writing is helping though, and being in therapy. But I've rarely let myself cry. I have SO many new coping skills now that are actually very helpful. And sometimes, nights can be so scary and hard that I put in a phone call to my therapist on her cell phone, like I did tonight. I sobbed my heart out to my therapist over the phone. She knew exactly how to help me though. She talked me through it, let me know it was just a memory, just a wave that's going to eventually pass. She got me breathing again, did some guided imagery with me, calmed me down and eventually the wave passed.
I'm healing my mind, soul, and body these days.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Frustrated
I'm having a difficult time lately. I'm having some physical issues going on. I think I'm having some sort of hormonal imbalance or some sort of menstrual disorder. I'm just experiencing really weird symptoms such as, irregular period, bloating, mood swings, hot flashes, nausea, etc. I see my gynecologist in two weeks anyway because I have a check up (which I am FREAKING out about) so if I'm still having issues I will ask her about it.
I'm also having a lot of nausea. Usually when I'm nauseous it's because I'm anxious. But, I really don't feel anxious. The nausea is preventing me from eating, which is so frustrating because I WANT to eat. I don't really have eating disordered thoughts at all. Which, is kind of strange but nice. I emailed my dietitian about it a couple days ago, because I was worried about my well-being before I see her tomorrow. And she has had me write down my food and write down whenever I get nauseous. I'm sure she might be thinking I have a food allergy, which I guess would be an easy fix. I'm actually scared there is something wrong with my stomach. I have most likely permanently damaged my stomach from my eating disorder. I already have IBS, and acid-reflux, but I just worry it's something else too. Because I've never been this nauseous, for this long.
I'm also frustrated with my sleeping habits. I'm a chronic insomniac, have been practically my whole life. I tend to stay up so late, losing track of time and end up falling asleep at 3am. It's so hard to get out of bed in the morning, and then I sleep alllll weekend. I know this is probably depression. But, it's still frustrating.
I'm dealing with a lot of trauma crap right now, but I don't feel like writing about it tonight. I have a headache, and I'm exhausted.
I can't wait for therapy on Thursday.
I'm also having a lot of nausea. Usually when I'm nauseous it's because I'm anxious. But, I really don't feel anxious. The nausea is preventing me from eating, which is so frustrating because I WANT to eat. I don't really have eating disordered thoughts at all. Which, is kind of strange but nice. I emailed my dietitian about it a couple days ago, because I was worried about my well-being before I see her tomorrow. And she has had me write down my food and write down whenever I get nauseous. I'm sure she might be thinking I have a food allergy, which I guess would be an easy fix. I'm actually scared there is something wrong with my stomach. I have most likely permanently damaged my stomach from my eating disorder. I already have IBS, and acid-reflux, but I just worry it's something else too. Because I've never been this nauseous, for this long.
I'm also frustrated with my sleeping habits. I'm a chronic insomniac, have been practically my whole life. I tend to stay up so late, losing track of time and end up falling asleep at 3am. It's so hard to get out of bed in the morning, and then I sleep alllll weekend. I know this is probably depression. But, it's still frustrating.
I'm dealing with a lot of trauma crap right now, but I don't feel like writing about it tonight. I have a headache, and I'm exhausted.
I can't wait for therapy on Thursday.
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