Coldplay-Yellow-Lyrics

This song means so much to me and what is going on in my life right now. I feel like I want to sing this to a certain person, and maybe they would sing it back to me.

Agh, it's just such a beautiful song with beautiful music and lyrics.

dietitian appointment

I saw my dietitian yesterday. I guess it went well. She seemed really taken aback when I told her what my daily intake has been over the past few weeks. It was sort of scary to see her so concerned. She put together a "snack plan" for me, instead of a meal plan. Since I have not been able to eat a meal without purging it in 2 weeks, we decided to start slowly with a safe and simple plan. She wants me to eat 6 snacks a day, at 6 different times during the day. All of them have the be different snacks, never repeating the same snack in one day. I will try this plan for 2 weeks and then we well re-assess and see what changes need to be made or what needs to happen. She said to me, "this plan I am giving you is going to be HARD. I'm not saying you can't do it, it's just going to be really, really hard, given the spot you are in right now."

She also weighed me, but I did not look and she didn't say anything about it. I am so glad I did not look, because I know it would have just fed into my eating disorder even more. But there is a part of me that is obsessed with wanting to know my weight. I won't give in though.

Something else...I have known my dietitian since I was 14 years old. That means she has known me for almost 8 years. She knew me when I went to Remuda, she was the one who recommended it. She wrote to me every week when I was there. She knows me and can read me like a book. And out of all the people on my treatment team right now, I trust her the most. She gave me a big hug at the end of our appointment yesterday and said, "I love you and I always have and I always will." That was the sort of thing I needed to hear. It gave me comfort, it gave me strength. I told her that I didn't want to disappoint anyone, or make anyone mad, or anything like that. She said that no matter what I do, no matter what happens, she will always be there and will always care about me and love me. How lucky am I?

So now, everyone on my team knows what is up with me and this relapse. And all of them have said...if things don't get better in a couple of weeks, then I need to go to treatment.

I called Remuda yesterday, just to do a quick phone assessment and see what kind of options I had. The woman I talked to said I needed to be there, and they could take me tomorrow if I wanted. Unfortunately I have the worst insurance in the world that does not cover ANYTHING. And so I would have to pay out of pocket if I were to go to Remuda, or anywhere for that matter. I can't even type out how expensive 30 days at Remuda is right now because it's INSANE. Like seriously, it shouldn't have to cost that much. It makes me angry. But whatever. Even if I do need to go to treatment in a couple of weeks, it would never fly with my parents and they could never afford it. So why think about it?

I guess I have to do this on an outpatient basis, which is also going to prove to be expensive. Because once again, my insurance does not cover any mental health services. My therapist and dietitian both agree I need to see my therapist every week right now. Even with two jobs, I am going to be struggling to pay for this.

So, anyway...that's that.

angry, scared and tears

"Your eyes to me say...angry, scared and tears". That's what my psychiatrist said to me today, and he is right on.

Today was a very frustrating day. First of all, I did not fall asleep last night, so I was beyond exhausted. I was running on nothing. No fuel in my body, and no sleep. I went to my therapy appointment this morning. It was so frustrating and I left so angry. I felt that my therapist was not understanding what I am feeling, and she was trying to tell me why things are the the way they are. And I disagreed with her on most everything she said today. I was kind of a bitch to her when I left, but later apologized and explained how I am just so frustrated with everything right now, mostly myself. She said there was no need to apologize and that she cares about me and wants to be there for me in any way she can.

And then I went to my psychiatrist appointment. It was a really, really good session. I was able to vent and express everything that is going on. All my fears, all my doubts, all my concerns. My psychiatrist has become a person that I trust and have been able to open up to, and I like that. I know he genuinely cares about me. He put me back on 20mg of Prozac (I'm not too entirely happy about it, but I'll give it a try). He says if things don't turn around with my eating disorder in a couple of weeks, then I need to start calling treatment centers. Yikes.

So then I left that appointment, had "lunch" with a friend (I say it like that because all I had was coffee and a few bites of my salad). And then I went to work, and I am just now getting home. I don't know how I made it through work. I seriously was on the verge of a massive panic attack/hyperventilation the whole night. It was a combination of lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, and extreme stress and I turned to my manager at one point and said, "I think I'm about to pass out, I'm not lying". I went to the back and sat on the chair and had some water, cried some, took deep breaths, stood up and got back to work. I cannot tell you how hard it was to keep myself together, to keep myself from hyperventilating and sobbing. My heart was racing.

So here I lay in bed...so exhausted I can barely keep my head up. My psychiatrist prescribed Seroquel to help with the sleep. I hope it works. I need sleep, I need good sleep. I had dinner tonight. It was safe, safe enough that I didn't feel I had to purge it. So I guess that is a good step.

Tomorrow I have work at my other job for the lunch shift, and then an appointment with my dietitian. I am excited to see her (she is the most amazing woman I know), but also very hesitant and nervous. I don't know what to expect. I will be sure to update after that appointment.

But for now, I will drink the rest of my Bedtime hot tea, and fall asleep.

heart

This is scaring me. The past few times I have purged I get chest pain and my heart feels like it's working harder than it should. It could just simply be anxiety, which it probably is. But what if it's something else. I'm laying here in bed, and I am so exhausted. I want to sleep. But my mind and my heart is racing. I feel like I am breathing harder and faster. It's scary. It's just anxiety right?

Maybe I am just freaking out about my appointments tomorrow.

I promise to give a more updated, detailed blog post after all of these appointments, and hopefully I will be a little more positive and uplifting.

I don't know

I don't know anything anymore, except my eating disorder.

I don't know how to eat, I don't remember. Every time I sit down to eat, I dissociate.
What do you do when you want to give your ED, when you know it's bad for you and it's not helping, but at the same time...you want it...you want your ED? What are you supposed to do? What do I need?


Flashbacks are creeping back in and I HATE it.

honesty

A lot of you have encouraged me to be honest with my treatment team when I have all my appointments this week. And I will be. One thing I really pride myself on being is honest. I hate keeping secrets, I hate keeping things from those who care about me and want to help me. And so far I have been 100% honest about what I have been eating, or not eating, and how much I have been purging.

I'm not worried about not being honest or lying about everything. For the most part when it comes to my self destructive behaviors, at some point or another I always end up admitting to what I am doing. I hate the shame I feel when I DON'T tell someone. And it builds up so I just feel like I have to tell people.

The only people I am really not honest about this stuff with is...my friends, my co-workers, and usually my family. My family doesn't normally ask questions, even if they suspect something is going on. And I usually don't offer it up either. My best friend asked me if I had been purging. I said no. And that's a lie.

But I want to reassure people that...I will be honest with the people that need to know about these things the most. I trust myself when it comes to that.

It's a cycle.

Starve for a few days. Then eat something normal, a normal meal. But then I purge. And then it begins again. People are starting to comment on my appearance and that makes me nervous. Especially when it's my managers and co-workers. I don't want them to find any reason to fire me. I am scared of work right now because people who I thought were good workers are being fired, and I am afraid that if I make one mistake, my ass is gone. And I cannot have that happen. It would make things 100% worse.

I know I need to grow up and just eat and keep it down. I know this. I know I can do it. But my own inner voice is lost somewhere inside of me. That healthy voice that tells me what is right and healthy has almost completely faded away. All I hear is ED. Some of it I know are lies, and some of it I believe with every part of me is true.

How did I get out of my last relapse? I got tired of doing what I was doing. It was too exhausting and annoying and so I just started being semi normal again. I don't feel I have reached that point. I feel like the healthy thing to do would be annoying and exhausting. And I'm scared to lose my ED. There...I said it.

Next week I have a week full of work and appointments. Neither my psychiatrist nor my dietitian know how badly this relapse has turned out to be. Should I give them a heads up? I haven't seen my dietitian for treatment in over a year. I emailed her before the New Year to tell her that I wanted to see her a couple of times to "get back on track with recovery and set up a meal plan". Since I wrote that email my eating disorder has spiraled out of control. So, what should I do? Should I email her and my psychiatrist in advance telling them how bad it is? How I haven't been able to go 2 days without purging?

Blah. I'm just tired.

The struggles continue.

I am lacking in mostly all areas of my life. I am lacking nutrition, I am lacking energy, I am lacking spunk, I am lacking sleep, I am lacking life.

This eating disorder has such a strong hold on me. It it so difficult to think of anything else. The one thing I am not lacking however, is support. I have an amazing group of people supporting me right now. I have all my blog followers, I have my therapist, I have Karen, and a couple other friends. I know all the work is done by me, but I could not be getting through this tough time without them.

Yesterday I ate a protein bar. And I cried the whole time. I never thought I would get to a point where a protein bar would make me cry. I can't even imagine eaten a whole meal right now. But I know I have to. It just feels so impossible. All I could think about were the calories and how I wouldn't be able to eat anything else the rest of the day. It was so stupid and so annoying. I sat on my bathroom floor crying while eating a protein bar. My therapist called shortly after and I had a really good conversation with her. She helped me realize some things that are going on in my life that are contributing to this relapse, things that I stupidly thought had gone away and that I no longer had to deal with. The biggest thing that is causing this relapse, is too painful to talk about, to speak about. My therapist asked me about it and my eyes filled with tears and I said, "I can't talk about it because I don't want to start crying". She said, "But Holly, you need to cry about it, so you can eat again." She's right.

I also said how I didn't want any of this to come across as me being attention seeking or weak, because that is not what this is. She said that even if that was the case, there wouldn't be anything wrong with that. She said, "You don't want to ask for help" I said no, that I didn't want to be weak looking and needy. She said that we all need help sometimes, there is no shame in that. She pointed out what I was dealing with and told me that she wasn't surprised that I turned to my eating disorder.

You know what stands out to me most right now, what I think about the most? It's not the calories, the food, the weight, the purging...it's the moments when my biggest supporters have been there for me. I think of Monday, when I went to see Karen, and she just held and hugged me for the longest time. I needed that, it provided me with so much. And also what stands out is my therapist being there for me, telling me she wants me to come to therapy every week, for me to find a way to make that happen. It stands out so much because (and I told my therapist this) I find myself surprised sometimes that people are still there for me. That people still care and haven't come to me and said, "Okay Holly, I'm giving up. I can't do anything for you anymore" It might sound absurd but really, I have had people tell me that (maybe not in those exact words) and it just blows my mind that there are still people standing. Because, I have really almost given up on myself, so why shouldn't they?

Anyway, this was a really random and rambling-filled post. But I needed to write today. I am in between jobs right now. I work the next 6 nights in a row. I almost collapsed at my job this morning. I know what is causing it. I know I need to just eat.

But dammnit, it is so hard.

the worst feeling

The worst feeling for me is...letting other people down, letting myself down. And that is what I have done. I made shitty decision and I purged my dinner. It wasn't even a binge. And I could write about what led up to it and why I chose to do it instead of taking a walk or a bubble bath, but what good does that do now? I reached out for help before I purged, and was given encouragement, yet I made the decision to purge anyway. The worst part wasn't realizing what I was doing, it was telling my friend what I had done after the act. I could tell she was sad, she even told me she was sad. I could tell she was disappointed. I apologized to her for letting her down. She said, "You didn't let me down. You let yourself down." She right, there isn't a doubt about that. After I purged, I sat with my feelings. And the strongest feeling I felt...besides guilt...was sadness. It was overwhelming and so raw.

And so I sit here in bed and my head is pounding and I feel sick ( I call it the after purge). But yet I know tomorrow is new day. And even though I lost 4 months of being purge free...I can start over again now. And I choose not to purge again. I know the urge will arise, but I am sitting here with this horrible feeling from what I just did and I WILL remember that the next time I want to purge.

I haven't told my therapist. I am scared. I know she will be disappointed and sad as well. And she was the person I texted before I purged. And so, yeah....I will just wait on that one.

I just will start over tomorrow.

What is wrong with me?

I have been asking myself this question for several days now. What is wrong with me? Like seriously, I feel so messed up. My eating disorder is so present, it is so raw, and so powerful. You always hear and read about the "ED voice". I hear it all day every day right now. It has never been so loud. And my own voice is so quiet and over powered by ED.

Yesterday I ate the most I have eaten in a couple weeks. And today I woke up and I remembered that, I remembered what I had eaten. And so what did I do? I didn't eat today. It's like...there is no middle ground. It's either bad or good. Right now it feels super bad. I watched some cheesy Lifetime movie about eating disorders today and I felt like I was the character in the movie. I felt like I was that sick. It made me ashamed of myself. I know there are so many women and men out there that have dealt with their eating disorders so much longer than I have. For me...it's been almost 8 years. But for me...that seems far too long. What is so wrong with me that I have not recovered? Have I not wanted it enough? In most cases, that is the most logical answer. Or is there something wrong with me that I am one of those cases that just cannot recover?

And then, today...I was at work. And I really wanted to eat the Mac n' Cheese we have. I mean, it's really high in calories and not so good for you. But it tastes good to me and I wanted to have some. But I couldn't. Because I knew that if I ate it...I would have to throw it up. And so I deprived myself of the Mac n' Cheese, and settled for the lowest calorie item on the menu. That was all I felt I could handle.

And so now I am faced with this hurdle. I have the appetite (not always, but it is there occasionally) to eat foods that I used to enjoy and eat without care. But now I feel like if I eat it...I have to purge. And I can relate all of these eating disorder behaviors to the fact that I am avoiding my emotions. I starve myself to forget what is really going on. And IF I purged, it would be to get out the emotions that I DO feel.

I almost feel like I've sort of lost my mind a little bit. I am in constant motion, physical and mental. My brain never rests, my body never rests. I just don't understand what is going on!

Am I this upset and this devastated by the fact that my best friend is moving that I am slowly starving myself to death? I told my friend Karen the other day that I DO NOT want to have to reach a rock bottom to get back up and get back on track with recovery. But that has always been the case in the past. Last year when I lost my job BECAUSE of my eating disorder...it was then that I put the weight back on and started eating again. And here I am again. Full blown relapse. I don't want to lose my job again, that would be catastrophic.

But here I am again...rambling, about nothing it feels like.

Small progress

I ate lunch today. A real, normal meal. My stomach hurt so bad after wards. And I am still obsessing over what I ate. I even went on the internet and looked up the calories. I NEVER do that. There are so many new obsessions and behaviors that have come with this relapse and it's all so strange to me. It's like I get sicker every time I relapse.

I have my therapist and another friend who are going to help keep me accountable with my food and daily intake. And then I have an appointment with my dietitian 2 weeks from today.

I don't know HOW I ate today. I even had a slice of pizza for dinner last night. I feel huge and horrible about what I have eaten. I guess the attitude of "just doing it" has sort of set in. But it scares me and my ED voice is flipping out. I keep hearing...What the hell are you doing? Did you really just eat that? You are so gross and you are going to gain weight!

I feel so tired. I haven't had a day off all week long. My next day off of both jobs isn't until Tuesday. I just want to sleep.

I'm scared. I'm scared that my eating disorder is back, and I'm scared about how powerful it feels. I'm scared that I let it get this bad. I have no clue what my weight is. I so badly want to go and weigh myself at the scale they have at the pharmacy near my house. But I know how badly that would set me back. I don't think I need to gain weight. But what happens when I see my dietitian in a couple of weeks and she weighs me and says..."You need to gain weight." If I need to do it...then okay, but I don't want to.

Ugh, I'm sorry you guys. I know I have not been positive at all lately. I know I'm probably being triggering and depressing to read about. I feel lost. All I think about is food and calories and all that stuff. I haven't written or given thought to my trauma issues in a few weeks because...it's just too much right now. If I go to that place, that place where my trauma lays, I will lose it. I will get suicidal. That's truly what I believe. I almost feel like I don't really care about anything right now, but I want to. I want that zest for life back.

Plain and simple...I'm scared. And I know the only way to get over it....is to go through it.

Therapy today

I had therapy this morning. We mainly focused on my eating disorder and how I REALLY need to get back on track with food. I just need to start eating again. I haven't had a meal in 3 days, and it's taking it's toll. I have been having a lot of stomach pain and nausea, caused by anxiety and the fact that I haven't been eating. So my therapist and I came up with some foods that feel safe to me and that won't upset my stomach. I will start with those foods, and once I start physically feeling better I will add more food in. She suggested I buy some applesauce, cinnamon raisin bread, apples, and cheese sticks. These foods are safe to me (well, the bread sort of scares me). And I know that what I have to do now is JUST EAT IT. I just have to repeat to myself that...this is the only option and that I can do this.

My therapist mentioned this hospital today. No No No....was my response. She responded with, "Well you have to start eating again if you want to avoid that". That is my main motivation right there. I absolutely do not want to go into the hospital. Do you know how much conflict, drama, problems that would cause? Totally don't need that, nor do I feel I need it at this point.

I said that I knew that my eating disorder, and food, and calories are not the real problem here. She mentioned how my eating disorder is a placeholder for me right now. So I said...I know what's really causing this, and by using my eating disorder... I am just avoiding what I am really feeling and what's really going on. "What's are you feeling and what is going on?", said my therapist. Tears filled my eyes and I talked about the pain and sadness I feel right now about my best friend moving away. I cried for the first time in therapy today. Real, genuine tears fell down my cheeks. It was SO hard to talk about it, to talk about him moving. So many things ran through my head. How am I going to do this without him? Just...so many things to think about. I told her...how I have never in my life felt so connected to someone. How, he is the first person that has genuinely cared about me without having an obligation to do so. That means SO much to me, you have no idea. What that feels like...it's amazing. It's the best feeling in the world. What in the world has he seen in me? I don't see it.

But, I don't want to fall apart when he leaves. I don't want to break, like I have done in the past. I want to honor our friendship and stand strong and remember all that he has done for me. I know he would not want me to break or fall apart, in fact he would be quite angry with me. And I don't want that, and he doesn't want that. And so that's what I am going to do. I am going to make the best out of the time we have left together. And when he leaves, I promise myself to stay in contact and honor what we have. I hope he does the same. That's something I really need/want to talk to him about. I want to talk to him about my fears in him leaving, and how I don't want what he have to break up and disappear. I have a strong feeling he wants the same things I do.

So anyway, that's what is going through my head right now. I've learned over and over to never take anyone for granted, because they will leave eventually and you won't realize what you had before it's too late. This is not the case. I know what I have and I am going to make the best of it and not screw it up, and I'm not going to push him away to protect myself from being devastated when he leaves (as much as I want to). Because pushing him away would fill me with regret. And it would not be fair to me, and it would most certainly not be fair to him. Like I said, I want to honor our friendship.

Anyway, right now I am working on my Soul Restoration journal/art book. It is so much fun and so relaxing. When I am finished with it, I will have to find some way to post pictures of it so I can share it with you.

I have a massage in about an hour and I am looking forward to that and the company of another great friend of mine. And then I work tonight from 3:30 to 10.

For now, I just need to breathe, and eat, and take it minute by minute

Soul Restoration

Soul Restoration begins today. I could not be more excited! I wish it had snowed so I did not have to go to work and could have devoted my whole day to this, but I will find time.

If you don't know what I am talking about...I insist you take a look!
http://bravegirlsclub.com/


I can not seem to shake this dizziness and lightheadedness I have been experiencing for several days now. It's scary, and...I know it must relate to that fact that I have not been eating well. I really need to get on that. But along with the dizziness has come nausea. I just...ugh...need to push through it.

There is so much in my head, so much I don't want to think about, so therefore...so much I am forcing myself to not think about. I don't know how to write right now.

You have been my friend

My very best friend is moving, and it hurts. I know he is following his dreams and is doing what is best for him and really I could not be happier and more excited for him, because I know he is going to be successful in all the ways he wants and dreams to be. He deserves the very best.

But the reality that he is moving to a different state, possibly to the other side of the country...has really set in. Maybe for a long time I chose not to believe that he was really serious when he said he would be moving. Now I know he is.

The truth is, I needed all of my destructive behaviors so much less when I met him. For someone like me who is admittingly selfish and wrapped up inside myself...I saw what was outside of me. I saw what life had to offer me. I found an amazing friend, probably the best friend I have ever had. To all my other co-workers that have worked with him since August, he might just be another person that has flown in and out of Panera. But to me, I feel like I will be losing a piece of me.

My biggest fear (Fear: his least favorite word) is that I will lose touch with him when he moves, and we won't be as close. It's going to be so difficult to go from....seeing this person 5 days a week...to not at all. I wonder if he thinks these things as well.

One of my favorite childhood movies, that still makes me cry everytime I see it, has a quote in it that pretty much sums up what this person has meant to me. I have had many, many supportive people in my life, throughout my life. But this is the FIRST person, that has broken me out of my shell. He is the "first" in many senses, but I am a different person since meeting him...a better person.

The quote is...
"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing." - Charlotte's Web

He still IS my friend, and ALWAYS will be. But like the quote says...to me it has been so tremendous what he has meant to me and provided me with.

Stupid

I'm being forced by my parents to cut back to therapy every other week. They can't afford it, and neither can I. They can't even afford it if I pay HALF. I am so pissed off. All of those years I wasted my parent's money for therapy that I wasn't even using to make me better. I never really wanted to get better all of those years. And NOW I DO...and I can't do it the way I want to because of stupid money issues. And my mom was like, "Well I don't want to have to work just so I have to pay for your therapy. I mean you don't even need therapy every week. You don't think you can do without it, that's your whole problem. You want to stay sick!" BULLSHIT. I have never worked SO hard in my entire life at something. I am working two jobs, forming friendships, giving recovery a shot, hell...giving it more of a shot. I am committed to doing it. I am actually talking about things in therapy that matter, after years of talking about the stupidest shit that got me no where but further down into a hole. I know I know...it's not like they are completely cutting me off from therapy, but damnit they don't understand that I am ready to do this, to do life, and now I can't fucking do it the way I want to, even the way I need to right now.

And then my negativity takes over and it's like...well what's the fucking point in therapy? My parents don't think I need it so why don't I just quit, so they will finally be happy and they can use the money on something "better" like spring break trips that I don't have time to go on because I am working two jobs, and stupid other things.

I mean really, why can't I just do this all by myself? What is the problem?

You may ask, why don't I just explain all of this to my parents? Because it doesn't fucking matter. They still can't afford it and they still won't get it, they never have and they never will.

What's the point anymore? I don't even know.

panic attack

I had the worst panic attack today that I have had in a long, long time. I think I almost passed out, and I almost threw up too. My eyes were pouring out tears and it was so difficult to see my phone to text my therapist what was going on.

Thing is, I had therapy this morning. I left feeling okay, and grounded, and all that good stuff. 4 hours later I am gripping my bathroom sink , gasping for air, but my lungs and throat are so dry that I'm coughing and dry heaving.

Therapy was hard, which is probably what triggered this panic attack. We talked about how I need to get back on track with food, and not wait until January 28 for my appointment with my dietitian. I need to start now. She told me how many calories I need to be eating. I know it's a reasonable amount, but it is SO much compared to what I am eating now. She told me I needed to go to the grocery store and buy food for my house (something I haven't done in months).

Anywho, it just got me really overwhelmed. And the panic attack came on SO fast. I didn't even feel it coming, it was just there all of a sudden and it.was.hell.

What was going through my head? This eating disorder is bigger than me. There is SO much I have to do to recover. How can I do this? Will I be able to do this? How do people do this? This is too much. So...that's what led to my panic attack.

I somehow, through my eyes flooded with tears, was able to text my therapist. She told me to take deep breaths, and I did. And the panic attack faded away. But the aftermath...I hate it. I get super shaky, my teeth chatter, and my whole body shakes...but I'm breathing normally again.

And so, I picked myself up off of the floor, looked in the mirror, and my face was stained with eyeliner and mascara, my eyes were all bloodshot, and I looked like hell. But I had survived my panic attack. And I really truly honestly thought that I was going to die in the midst of it.

My therapist encouraged me to do something to ground myself. So I straightened my hair. With hair as thick, curly, and as long as mine...it took a while. So I finished doing that and now I'm feeling better. I'm writing this and I'm watching a movie. Dinner later tonight with the 'rents. Work one job tomorrow. And then I will go to the grocery store.
And then going to D.C. on Saturday for the night.

I can do this.

eating disorder

I think I have been in a certain level of denial about my eating disorder lately. I thought my food intake was normal for me and I wasn't losing weight, so what's the big deal? But now I realize that, with the anemia, the dizzy spells, and most recently...the chest pain...that I am not eating enough. In fact I eat way way too little. This is why I want to get a meal plan and see my dietitian and get back on track. Yes I want to get back into recovery...but I am terrified too.

I just...have such an unhealthy relationship with food. Some of the things I do...are not normal. And I feel like I have to be so secretive. I have not purged in almost 4 months, but I have come SO close lately. Two nights ago I ate a whole pizza by myself (binge) and it took everything I had inside of me not to purge. I had to text my therapist for encouragement. I did not end up purging, but I felt so sick and so huge

I hate, hate using numbers and I won't use them in my blog. But my caloric intake is low, way too low. I never have really been a calorie counter in the past, but I have become one over the past few months.

I don't know what my diagnosis at this point would be. I know initially when my eating disorder started 7 years ago it was ED-NOS. At one point I was anorexic, and at one point I was purging daily, but it wasn't binge and purge. Right now, I don't know what I am. I'm not purging, so nothing bulimic. But I'm not underweight either (at least not that I'm aware of).

Anyway, I'm just ready to get back on track. Because my physical symptoms are scaring me. And anytime food is involved, I feel totally consumed by ED. And I'm sick of it. I'm just scared, and I'm just ready to move on.

I realize this was a rant, and some of it may have been triggering to you. Sorry if that was the case. I need to deal with my eating disorder head on, and I feel like there has been a certain level of avoidance, that no longer should be there.

Kaleidoscope

This song brought tears to my eyes when I heard it for the first time the other day.

"You know me
How troubled I can be
But through your kaleidoscope
I let go

'Cause you show me
The world as it could be
Through your kaleidoscope
It's beautiful"

It makes me think of my best friend. And what he has shown me. Thanks JMF.

appointment

My dietitian appointment is set up for January 28. Which is about 3 weeks away. I am getting anxious about it, but also excited...ready to get rid of ED totally. I have already decided that I do not want to know my weight, not at all. I don't want to know if I have to gain weight either. I am going to tell my dietitian this and I know she will respect it. I don't weigh myself, haven't in a long time. I have found that when I DO weigh myself, my obsession to lose weight multiplies by 1000. It is just better for me not to know my weight. I don't even WANT to know it. Because I know whatever number it is...I won't be happy.

I think I am going to start back with trauma work in therapy this week. There are a lot of things about it that are bothering me, and I just need to process it.

There really isn't much else going on. Nothing exciting anyway. Just same old work schedule.

Maybe something exciting will happen soon.