deep breath

Therapy today, was hard. I revealed something that I have never told anyone before (pertaining to the abuse). I've had it in my memory for months now, but have fought tooth and nail to push it aside. But it has kept popping up. So, I told her, I told my therapist. No details. She asked if I wanted to tell her more about it. I shook my head violently. "That's okay", she said. "Maybe next time". I took a deep breath. Yes, maybe next time. I cannot go backwards now. It's out there. I guess the only way to go now is forwards. I'm glad my therapist is understanding, gentle, and letting me deal with it at my own pace.

It's very difficult to talk about these things with people who have not been through sexual abuse. I don't expect anyone who has not been through it to understand, but I get so frustrated when people say things such as, "Just move on, it's in the past". It's really not that simple. Yes, moving on is what I need to do. But it's not as easy and looking back for one last time and then...it's over and done. Maybe some things are like that, easy to walk away from, or not requiring such effort, time, and hard work. But this is different. I have walked away and moved on from various troubles and bad experiences in my life. Yes, it was hard and took effort. But when something like this happens to you, when someone sexually violates your body, without your consent, without you having any power or control, with you being a CHILD. It's going to take some fucking time. And especially when you didn't talk about it for 10 fucking years, like I did. When I blocked so much of it out, that even today I still do not have all the pieces.

It is painful, terrifying, and so amazingly confusing. To remember something. To put together the pieces that have been broken for so long. Memories are not repressed for no reason. I blocked them out because it was too damn much at the time. Piecing it all back together is a process. This whole healing journey is a process. I have come a long way. There was a time when I had no emotion what-so-over towards what had been done to me. But my emotions have evolved. I've gone from numb to...scared, sad, confused, and now angry. It's a process. If I have learned anything...it's a process.

Sometimes I wish I could tell certain people in my life (family, friends) what happened. I wish I could tell them every intimate detail. But is that necessary? Probably not. I wonder if it would make them understand. Am I bad person for thinking that? At the same time, I want my family and friends to know nothing about it. It's too much for me, so it must be too much for them.

My eyelids are heavy now. Not only due to my sleeping medication, but from the exhaustion this day has brought. Tomorrow is a new day.

fly free

I want this tattooed on my shoulder.

labels

I hate labels. I really do. I used to feel the opposite. I used to feel like I needed a label to make me someone worthwhile. Truthfully, sometimes I still do. But I'm getting better.

Today I had to go to the doctor, because I have been a hot mess with cough, sore throat, etc. Turns out I have a virus and an upper respiratory infection. But that's not the point of this post. While the nurse was taking my vitals, she entered the information into a computer. So on the screen I could see my chart. I could see all my "diagnoses". It was sort of embarrassing. I didn't want the nurse seeing all my problems. I wanted to press the delete button. I didn't want the nurse or the doctor to look at me and see..."Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Eating disorder, History of sexual abuse, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

Because...that's not who I am. I don't want anybody to look at me and have that be all they see.

For the longest time, and still sometimes today, I have not been able to look past those labels. If they were stripped away, who would be underneath? Anyone? Anything? Am I just a shell? A body that is hollow inside? I really don't think I am. I have passions, talents, family, friends, goals, and dreams. But I have allowed my problems over the years to become my identity.

I HAVE to make myself see more than issues, problems, faults, etc. I want to make other people see more than that. Sometimes when I meet someone new, I just want to erase all of that. Make up someone who I'm not. In truth, I am a stronger, better, wiser person because of those "labels". But hey, there is so, so much more to me than that.

before it breaks

sickness

I keep spiking low grade fevers, and then they go away. My whole head is congested. I can't really hear. My nose is runny. My throat is sore and scratchy. My voice sounds like a man. My chest hurts. It's rainy outside so therefore my joints are achy. I feel like hell, and today I have to work both my jobs.

This is day 3 of this. It's getting worse not better. I have consumed so much hot tea, Tylenol, and Sudafed. Now I'm taking Delsym (the grape kind) because of my cough.

Needless to say, I feel yucky.

motivator

I feel pretty sick, and am not really up for writing at the moment, but I'm going to anyway because I have something I need to get out.

Have you ever had a person or friend in your life that has challenged you? In a positive way? Who has challenged the way you live, the way you do things, how you act, what you do with your feelings? I've never really had that, at least not before these past couple of months. There's a certain someone in my life, who I will not mention by name (you know who you are). This person has rocked my world, in more ways than one. I have always known what I need to change about my life, what is unhealthy and destructive. Sometimes I've even known what I needed to do to change. But I've never felt I HAD to change, never had a real motivation. Of course the motivation can only ultimately come from within, but sometimes you need someone to kick you in the ass to get you going (which literally has happened, jokingly of course).

This person points out my flaws, which I don't mind, because I know what they are too. But he is helping me see and learn how to turn those negative emotions into something better, something more. He's helped me tap into my creative side, inspired me to start writing again. He has challenged my fear. Fear has always been a huge part of my life, and prevented me from doing so much. Well, now I'm learning to tell fear to shut the fuck up. Fight the lizard brain. It's about time, right?

I have had so many meaningful and enlightening conversations with this person, who I have come to consider a great friend. This person has been so beneficial to me and my life, and I am so grateful. He's probably laughing reading this, because he thinks it's cheesy. But it's all true.
Something else that sticks out in my mind is how much I have struggled with loneliness for so long, but since meeting this person...I cannot remember the last time I felt lonely. And it's not just about having a real friend in my life, it's about having someone who gets you, who wants to see you thrive. It's an awesome feeling.

He shared something with me the other day. I keep thinking about it, saying it to myself.

“Surrender is the opposite of giving up. It is freeing yourself from the desire to be in control, letting go of how you think things should be. Surrender is freedom. Surrender means to love without limits. Holding on to past patterns and grievances only limits the possibilities. Let go. Surrender whatever limits you. Face whatever you are resisting. Through your willingness to walk in the dark forest, insights and revelations will naturally emerge"

Repressed

"When you have repressed emotions, your behavior and reactions to events in the present moment are really reactions to past events as well as the present. This has a negative effect on all relationships in your life. You cannot be fully present with those you love in today until you have released your emotions from the past. You buried emotions because they were too painful and difficult to deal with when they occurred and your reactions to today’s events are affected by this pain and hurt that remains buried in your body. It takes a lot of energy to bury emotions and to keep them buried. There isn’t much energy left over for other activities when your energy is being used to keep stuffing these emotions back down. By nature, buried emotions want to come up so you can become aware of them, feel them and release them"

um.

I need to turn all the SHIT in my head...into something positive.

How is this done?

Anger

I've never truly felt real anger towards him or what he did to me. In general, I don't get angry. And when I do, it's over stupid things that I blow out of proportion. I think it's probably one of my most repressed feelings. I've had dreams and daydreams lately about screaming my head off and pounding my fists on the walls of where it happened.
Tonight, in the middle of my shift at work, I felt for the first time...real anger. It was intense, and because I was at work, I couldn't scream and I couldn't write, and I couldn't cry. The anger was so real, that it scared me. And so, I pushed it away, partly because I was working and I had no choice but to. But also, I pushed it away because it was too much. I know that I cannot do that the next time I feel this anger. I need to not be scared of it, but really feel it and allow myself to release that anger. I don't want to lose control though, when I get angry, I want to...stay in the present.

I know this is progress. I know that I still have a lot more work to do. I know that there will come a day when I break down and let it all out, all those emotions that are pushed down, that I get scared to let out. I know I won't be scared anymore, one day. I think it will be the best release I've ever had. I wish it would come right now.

He still has so much power over me. I need to take it back.

"Change is natural. It's when people try not to change that's unnatural."

Haunted

I've gone back there a lot in my dreams lately, and when I'm awake too. Back to where it happened. Sometimes I see it in color, other times in black and white. The best word to describe it is haunted. It's very still. Very silent. Sometimes I imagine myself pounding the walls of the building with my fists and screaming, screaming in anger. It's almost like a movie, in the way that I see myself opening the gates of the long driveway, and walking towards the school, passing the soccer fields and playground, and seeing the school come into view. There were always stories that the school was haunted. And if you look at the building from the outside, it does look like a haunted house. I have not been there since I left the school, a decade ago. But it's walls, surroundings, and structures, are as clear to me than anything bad or good that happened there. Sometimes...I want to go back there. I'm not so sure why. Maybe to confront my past and move on. To be back there, safe and stronger. And to remember that while horrible and traumatizing events occurred there, so did a lot of happy ones. The school, and its grounds, are haunting, because of what happened there, but I also remember the beauty of it. The abuse occurred over a period of four months, but I was there much longer than that. And it is that time, those four months removed, that I have to remember the most.

you are blessed bitch

rain

I had a dream about rain last night. I looked up on the internet what it means when you dream about rain. Here's what it said...

To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain is also a metaphor for tears, crying and sadness. Alternatively, rain symbolizes fertility and renewal. If you get wet from the rain, then it indicates cleaning from your troubles and problems.

To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to your awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love.

To hear rain tapping on the roof, denotes spiritual ideas coming to fruition in your mind.

just had to post this

"Crying doesn’t indicate that you are weak.

Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive."

I don't know who said it, but I love it.

day 2

Today marks 2 days of no purging. One day at a time right? I can do this. Honestly, what happened 2 nights ago was...stupid. It was. A lot of things triggered it and I easily could have handled it in a better way. But this is what recovery is about. Sometimes things are just too much. And sometimes the ED wins. But the most important thing is that I do not dwell on it, and that I just keep moving forward, and not let this setback turn into a relapse.

I have been doing much better with food, especially since the purging lapse. I ate twice yesterday, and three times today. I feel like a balloon, but I'm making positive steps, and doing what I need to do. This is not to say that I do not worry about my weight, and the number of calories I am eating, etc. But I'm eating anyway.

I keep thinking back to my days at Remuda Ranch. I ate three square meals a day there, plus 3 snacks. I gained weight when I was there, ate my fear foods, and left after 3 1/2 months a happier and healthier person. Even though I hated eating, felt huge and disgusting, I left Arizona a happier person. And I know that eating that way and taking care of myself that way again will yield the same results.

I will be happier and feel better if I just eat.

Where do you go?

Where do you go when your eyes are closed? Do you see happy, joyful images? Or dangerous, scary ones? Are these images imagined? Or are they memories, experiences, and moments that are important to you? Do you see both? Why do you think you see what you see? Go deeper. Can you hear anything? Is it music, or something powerful someone once spoke to you? Or is it something mean and hurtful? What do you smell? Open your eyes. Now pick a specific memory you have. First, pick a good one. Close your eyes and fall back in time. Let the entire memory take over you. See it, feel it, hear it, smell it. Let it sink in. Now open your eyes once more. Now, pick a bad memory you have. Close your eyes and do what you did with your good memory. Except this time, end the memory with the way you wanted it to end. Really feel the new outcome you have chosen. Do you feel it? Now open your eyes. This new outcome you have chosen, will never happen, because of course, you cannot change the past. But perhaps with the new outcome you have chosen, this bad memory will no longer haunt you the way it did before. We do not have the power to change our past, but we can choose how we live with it.

Inception

This movie changed me. I can't really explain how. But I felt like a different person after I saw this movie for the first time, second time, and third time.

"Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange." - Cobb

"Do you know what it is to be a lover? Half of a whole?" - Mal

"What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient... highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed - fully understood - that sticks; right in there somewhere" - Cobb

An exercise from The Courage to Heal

SELF ESTEEM

1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me. -- usually

2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. -- sometimes

3. I feel ashamed. -- always

4. I'm different from other people. -- usually

5. I feel powerless. -- sometimes

6. If people really knew me, they'd leave. -- always

7. I want to die. -- rarely

8. I want to kill myself. -- never

9. I hate myself. -- usually

10. I have a hard time taking care of myself. -- sometimes

11. I don't deserve to be happy. -- sometimes

12. I don't trust my intuition or my feelings. -- rarely

13. I'm often confused. -- sometimes

14. I don't know how to set goals and follow through on them. -- sometimes

15. I'm scared of success. -- always

16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job. -- sometimes

17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside. -- sometimes

18. I'm a perfectionist. -- sometimes

19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life. rarely

20. I've done a lot of shoplifting. -- never

MY FEELINGS

1. I don't think feelings are very important. -- I don't think MINE are -- sometimes

2. I usually don't know what I'm feeling. -- rarely

3. I can't tell one feeling from another. -- rarely

4. I only experience one or two emotions. -- never

5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings. -- rarely

6. I have a hard time crying freely. -- sometimes

7. I cry all the time. -- sometimes

8. I get uncomfortable when I feel too happy. -- sometimes

9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm. -- rarely

10. I feel enraged a lot of the time. -- rarely

11. I'm rarely angry. Anger scares me. -- usually

12. I get depressed a lot. -- sometimes

13. I have a lot of nightmares. -- usually

14. I have panic attacks. -- sometimes

15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control. -- usually

16. I've been violent. -- never

17. I haven't been violent yet, but I'm worried I might be. -- never

MY BODY

1. I'm not "in my body" a lot of the time. -- sometimes

2. I frequently space out. -- sometimes

3. My body often feels numb. -- sometimes

4. I feel as if my body is separate from the rest of me. -- usually

5. I don't pay too much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain). -- usually

6. I think my body is ugly. -- always

7. I hide my body. -- always

8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up. -- sometimes

9. I use drugs or alcohol more than I think I should. -- rarely

10. I often eat compulsively. -- rarely

11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up. -- usually

12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn or injure myself) -- rarely

13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse. -- never

14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim. -- usually

15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures. -- usually

16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth. -- never

17. (For women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist. -- always

INTIMACY

1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet. -- sometimes

2. Most of my relationships just don't work. -- sometimes

3. I don't have many friends. -- always

4. I'm okay with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover. -- ?

5. I think I'm really meant to be alone. -- sometimes

6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved. -- always

7. I don't know what love is. -- never

8. I find it hard to trust people. -- usually

9. I think people are going to leave me. -- all the fucking time!

10. I test people a lot. -- sometimes

11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else. -- sometimes.

12. I'm clingy with people I'm close to. I'm afraid to be alone. -- usually

13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get too close, I panic. -- sometimes

14. I have a hard time saying no. -- always

15. People take advantage of me in relationships. -- never

16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible. -- rarely

17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser. -- never

18. I'm struggling a lot with my partner. -- n/a

19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser. -- n/a

20. Sexual abuse is really creating problems in my relationship. -- n/a

SEXUALITY

1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again. -- usually

2. I am celibate. I haven't had sex in years. -- always

3. I really think sex is disgusting. -- rarely

4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there's something basically wrong with it. -- sometimes

5. Sex isn't pleasurable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy. -- n/a

6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs. -- never

7. It really feels like I'm "oversexed" -- never

8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me. -- ?

9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying. -- never

10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want. -- never

11. Sex is the thing I'm best at. -- never

12. I've sold myself for sex. -- never

13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me. -- never

14. I need to control everything about sex. -- sometimes

15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb a lot during lovemaking. -- n/a

16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feelings I don't understand. -- usually

17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love. -- n/a

18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse. -- never

19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on. -- never

20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality. -- sometimes

21. I've sexually abused others. -- never

CHILDREN AND PARENTING

1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children. -- never

2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids. -- never

3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids. -- never

4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own. -- never

5. (For parents) I feel inadequate as a parent. -- n/a

6. I have trouble protecting children I take care of. -- never.

7. I tend to be overprotective. -- always

8. I've successfully protected children. -- always

9. I'm scared I'll be abusive. -- never

10. I have abused children. -- never

11. My kids have been abused (by someone else). -- n/a

MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN

1. I have strained relationships with my family. -- sometimes

2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa) -- rarely

3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family. -- sometimes

4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences. -- sometimes

5. I feel crazy when I'm around my family. -- sometimes

6. I can't be honest with the people in my family. -- sometimes

7. My abuse is still a secret in my family. -- always

8. I'm waiting for people in my family to come around and support me. never

If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.

1. When I look over my responses, I feel... -- sad

2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of... -- self esteem, my body, my feelings, intimacy

3. I was least affected in the areas of... children, family

4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were... intimacy, sexuality

5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in... my self esteem issues

6. I already made major strides in the following areas... my feelings

7. I feel the most hopeless about changing... intimacy, my body

8. I was surprised by...nothing really.

9. I learned... that I've come really far in the last year, but I want to go even further

broken

I think my heart is broken. I'm not exactly sure why, or what happened. But it hurts.

Edit:
I'm going to be okay though.

stupid girl.

I need to remember that...

but yet, 2 months just went down the drain...literally. I forgot how fast my heart pounds when I purge, it scared me.

Damnit, why can't I get my shit together? What is so wrong with me that this has become my life, my identity? I am so mad at myself and whatever is causing my life to be this way. I am not the type to give up, but tonight I did. And it hurts to think of all the people I have just disappointed. What is causing me to hold back from living a healthy life? Fuck...would I have still turned out this way if I hadn't been abused, if I hadn't lost gymnastics, if I didn't have anxiety issues? I am so angry right now, so angry.

thoughts

Maybe I should back off.

How the fuck do I control my emotions?

I've never felt exhaustion like this.

I feel frustrated when others don't understand me.

When is the anger going to come?

I am craving physical comfort.

I think there are too many things wrong with me.

I hate having to depend on Xanax to get me through a wave of panic.

My mom is mad at me because I dyed my hair.

Tomorrow I work 11:30 to 2. And then I'm sleeping the rest of the day.

moving forward

I'm a little ashamed of my last post, after re-reading it. But the thing is, I really do feel that way sometimes. I've always been the type of person to say what I feel and think, but usually not take action. By action I mean, yes, saying what I feel and think, but then asking myself..."where do I go from here?" That's more important than what I feel. Because...you can't just sit with your feelings and thoughts and not doing anything. You have to move forward in a positive and healthy way. That's what I need to do. I need to turn my feelings, my experiences into positive ones.

and here's a quote I love.

It seems like it’s all just remembering and forgetting. Things happen so fast, and then they’re gone before you notice them. Events ambush you from out of nowhere, blindside you, and then you have to spend the time afterward trying to remember or forget what the hell it all was to begin with. The more you think about it, the more the events crumble, crack, breakdown, or refuse to change at all. They’re either pieces of ice in your hand, changing shape and melting away until they’re nothing like what they were to begin with, or pieces of glass. Sharp and irritating, unchanging reminders of pain and unpleasantness - or happiness.
- As Simple As Snow by Gregory Galloway

destruction

I am so self destructive. I do things, watch things, read things, be in relationships with the wrong people...knowing exactly that it is bad for me, but yet I do it anyway. I am mean to myself. I don't respect myself. This has been true of myself since middle school. Maybe it's not as bad as it used to be, but let's face it....when you are self destructive no matter how much or how little...it's still bad. It's a domino effect too. I do something bad, which makes me want to do something else bad. And I do it. It never stops. It's a sick cycle I play. I'm not usually one for pessimism, but I often think I will never stop the cycle. I think I deserve it. Fuck it.

does this make sense?

There are things deep inside of me, about my life, I have always known. But in the past few weeks I have really seen and felt that the time is now to change, to make things different, to let go, to take a leap, as someone recently said to me. For me, it's huge to see this. But the challenge now is to do it. The thing about change, is that ultimately, you have to do it for yourself. And one of my big things is pleasing others. Yes, changing myself and my ways will be great for everyone in my life, but mostly for me. I want to grow, realize the strength and courage that everyone else sees. So, what's next? What does that leap look like? Maybe I am the only one that can answer this. But I also feel confused. I have worked my ass off in the past year, especially the past few months. I'm probably the happiest I have been in years. But I feel burdened down by certain things, I want to feel free. I want to learn to love. Open myself up to someone, be loved in return. I can't do that when I'm so afraid, no one can.

survival

Think of something really hard you've had to go through in the past. Well, you survived it. You're alive aren't you? Think about the next time you are going to go through a really hard time. You'll pull through. You'll survive. You are strong. Your skin may tear, and your bones may break, but your soul? Your soul can never be irreversibly damaged.

Hand in my pocket

Oh Alanis, your music is good for my soul.

word vomit

"What's the point of wiping tears away in the first place when there's just more overflowing?" -Elaine Lee

I am having an outpouring of emotion. You know when you get really anxious, and you want to cry, but the anxiety keeps you from doing it? I hate that. Well that's how I've felt the past few days. And then yesterday in therapy, taking through the memories, the anxiety is still there, but the crying has started. It keeps coming. Even now, as I'm writing. Writing seems to make it come more. So I will keep writing. I'm not going to escape my emotions tonight. I have been having a hard time grounding myself, to stay in the present, not in the past. I'm in that room on the cold hard floor and he's touching me and doing things to me and it's like I'm frozen, and I can't speak and I can't move. And I wonder, why the hell did I come to this room in the first place with him? I didn't want this shit to happen to me. Yet I continue to take blame and responsibility. I want to forget everything, but maybe remembering would make it easier. It wouldn't be so fragmented and confusing. And this won't go away. I can't let it go now. I'm dealing with it and I need to continue to go through it. My mind has shifted to food. It tends to do that when things get too much. Okay, so what am I really feeling? Intense fear. Hands on the couch, feet on the ground. I am here, in my house. I am safe. I am 22 years old, not 11. The tears have stopped, but oh no, here they come again. I don't understand why he did those things to me. Why he started? Why he stopped? I wish I could fully express what I am feeling right now. I do know this though...If i stop fighting, if I stop remembering, if I stop talking about it and dealing with it...he wins. I can't let that happen. Abuse happens in silence - recovery happens only when that silence is broken

xxxo

can't get that damn song out of my head. i love it though.

I had therapy today. I don't really feel like talking about it. It was hard, painful, and scary. Talking about my trauma has been the hardest thing I've ever done. It will get easier, I do know this. A year ago it felt impossible, these days it feels manageable.

I have been thinking a lot how much I need validation from others. I constantly am wondering and asking people, "Do I look okay? Does this outfit look okay? Are you going to leave me? Don't leave me" It's pretty exhausting. Why can't I just be, and not be so afraid and cautious all the time? People leave, this is a fact of life. But I can't bear to think of how my heart will respond when certain people in my life do leave. Can you prepare for something like that?

Night time has been hard lately. I get caught up in my thoughts, my emotions, memories, and flashbacks. I take a hot shower to ground myself and calm down, but I run to my bed and lay paralyzed, sometimes my whole body trembles. Nightmares have been frequent and more intense.

I have been escaping too much lately. My place of escape is not a safe place. It is a place of self destruction and numbness. I need to commit myself to writing more, maybe making collages and painting. I need to escape to a safe place, or maybe...I shouldn't escape at all. Maybe I just need to be here and now and let myself feel, but do it in a safe way...if that makes sense.

I want to love. I want more love in my life. I want to love someone, and have them love me back. But I've been told that, no one can really love you, if you don't love yourself. I don't love myself. Maybe I should learn how. But I want to fall in love, more than anything, and have that person fall in love with me in return. It's an ache in my heart I have felt lately.

That's all for now. Quote of the day is...

There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn’t one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way.
Marya Hornbacher

the way i see it

heartbreaking

I don't want to end up like this one day. I don't want to die from my eating disorder.

all over the place

I want to be positive. I want to have hope. But I feel so fucked up right now. My emotions are right on the surface and I'm having a hell of a time managing them. I feel stupid. I uncovered a new memory yesterday. It's been...horrible. I feel sick and shaky and lost. I haven't been taking care of myself, not at all. I need to get back on track with food, with self care. I feel dizzy and malnourished and sick. It's 11pm and my stomach is screaming. I have no food in my house, which means I need to run out and get something.

I'm lost. How do I get myself back?

a lesson from the lion king

Simba:"Oww. Jeez... What was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn't matter, it's in the past.
Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it." - The Lion King

let it go

I think now, more than ever, I need to just fucking let all of it go. Maybe there are still things that I need to talk about, to process, to not feel ashamed of. But I need to let go. I need to embrace who I am now, who I want to be. And let go of who I was then, the things I did back then. Do I have regrets? Of course. But life's a journey, you make mistakes. What you have to do is learn from them and move on. I feel that for me, in order to move, I need to keep writing. I ask myself, what is holding me back the most right now? The answer is fear. Fear that started a decade ago and has stayed with me. Fear keeps me from being myself, from opening up, feeling everything that I need to feel. I need to let go of fear. I need to trust, I need to face my demons, and not let them swallow me. I need to be the bigger person, take control of my life and live it the way it should be lived. I think about my abuser often, the things he did to me. I question my actions when I remember everything he did to me. I need to stop beating myself up. And I will. I will do all of these things. Some of them I am already doing. I need to stop asking myself, "Well, am I ready?" Of course I am.

come back

It doesn't take much. It can be a certain look, a smell, a sound, a touch, even safe touch...can trigger the past. You can't help it. It just comes. And just like that, you are back in time. Back in that room, and it seems as if it's happening all over again. You have to get back in the present though. You have to imagine yourself fighting back, and walking away, or running. Maybe running is better. Imagine taking control, taking your power back. You are safe, you are okay. It's over.

good will hunting

I watched this movie recently. This part of the movie really hit a nerve in me, not sure why.


Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.


this part gets me too. but I know why. I wish I could break down and realize...it wasn't my fault. but i still think it is.

i miss gymnastics

this is me, not very good, last spring

school and things

It's that time of the year again, when school is starting back. In the past week I have been asked several times "Oh are you getting ready to go back to school?" I take a deep breath and explain that, No I'm not in school, I have my associate's degree, and lie to people and tell them that I am getting ready to take my MA certification test. In truth, I have unearthed my certification study book from a box in my house, but haven't opened it. I'm scared to take this test. Scared to fail, like I did the last time I took it. I question all the time whether or not it would be the right thing to get back into the health care field, or if I really want it. After the heartbreak of losing the best job I ever had last October, I catch myself wondering if it would be worth it to take the test again and applying for jobs. And also, am I really cut out for it? I am much healthier than I was a year ago, no longer in the midst of a full blown relapse. I still do have passion for health care, I still want to go to nursing school one day, but fear holds me back. I'm not really sure what I want to do. The test costs a bunch of money, and so if I decide to take it, I have to be serious about it.

I need an outlet. Writing has always been an outlet. But I feel stuck with it. I love to write, but what do I write about? I have found myself being lost in music lately. Listening to the words and just completely relating to them or to something that's going on in my life. This weekend I think I am going to buy a canvas and some paint and just go crazy. I need to let these emotions out.

I have had very little to zero energy lately, emotionally and physically. My brain is working overtime. There is so much to think about, to process. I'm exhausted. I know it doesn't help being malnourished. Obviously I need to do something about that. The past couple of days at work have been a struggle to get through. My body and my brain do not want to cooperate. I hate feeling this way. My head needs a break.

quote of the day...

"The real struggle is about you: you, a person who has to learn to live in the real world, to inhabit her own skin, to know her own heart, to stop waiting for life to begin."