hole

Well this was an epic week. I am SO glad it's over. Let me just give you the run down.

My depression hit me hard this week. Really hard. On top of that, I was dealing with a ton of body image struggles and obsessive thoughts. I didn't really take the best care of myself. I struggled with restricting here and there. I haven't really had much of an appetite. I have had urges nearly every single day this week to binge/purge, but I haven't. I have stood my ground because I know bingeing/purging will make me even more depressed. It has been a week full of so many intense and overwhelming emotions. I have cried more this week than I have in the past 2 months.

Wednesday night I had dinner with my second mommy, Mrs. Robson. It was such an amazing conversation. She challenges my thoughts and cares about my emotions and what I am going through. We were both in tears at one point. I am able to vulnerable and honest with her in a way I am not with most people. I am not afraid to tell her things about me and my life, because I know she will love me and be there for me regardless. She's been there for me for 9 years and I have so much gratitude towards her. One thing we talked about on Wednesday night was the pain of my past. The pain from my abuse, the loss of my grandmother, and the loss of gymnastics. When all of those things happened when I was 11, I did not deal with them. It was when I went to Remuda in February I finally dealt with all of it and the pain I felt was so intense, and so raw. I still am dealing with that pain today. It comes from my core, a place so deep inside me. It feels like the pain and sadness will never stop coming. I told Mrs. Robson all of this. She said, it's not about moving on. That takes time. But it's what I do with the pain and sadness that is important. I have to choose to make the healthy choices, to live in the moment and not worry so much about yesterday or tomorrow. It's really hard, she said. But totally possible. It was hard to talk about this, but I knew I was with a safe person, so that made it easier. She told me a song that she said reminded her of me. When I got home, I listened to it and I was in tears. I have never had someone dedicate a song to me. I was humbled. The song is "Can't go back now" by The Weepies. Listen to it!

Thursday morning I had therapy. It was a good session, I guess. I brought up my trauma. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Not just the abuse, but everything that happened during that time period...all of the loss I experienced in such a short time. I sometimes feel stupid that I have not been able to move on. But like I said before, that's not what it's about. It's about allowing myself to deal with the feelings. My therapist was completely and totally supportive about all of this. She said I could talk about it whenever I felt the need to. It made me feel a lot better to hear this. I think I am going to bring it up again next week. It's been on my mind SO much and I have been breaking down crying every night, having flashbacks. I have been feeling that deep pain in my core, and it hurts so much. I need to heal from this, and not feel so sad and hurt anymore.

This morning I saw my dietitian. I was really looking forward to getting a hug from her. She gives the best hugs in the world and knows how to help me feel better. I haven't seen her in two weeks. She's been sick and she didn't want to give whatever she had to me, so she couldn't hug me. It made me pretty sad. As soon as I sat down, she could tell how hard things have been for me lately. I was honest with her about how I have been restricting, at in one instance, over-exercising. She asked if I thought I had lost weight. I said no. And I guess she didn't think I had either because she didn't weigh me. I told her how deeply I hated my body, how bad I thought I looked. She told me I had "ED eyes". How I see myself is so distorted. She said, I had such a sick and malnourished body, as well as such a muscular and toned body for so many years. And now for the first time I am healthy, and I have to get used to that. She didn't seem to keen on the idea that I wanted to lose weight.

I pretty much left my dietitian's office in tears. The amount I loathed my body was too much for words. I wished I could have magically lost 10 pounds. I felt so depressed. So disgusted. So frustrated. The past couple of days I have had that feeling of wondering if recovery is really possible for me. I just don't know anymore. Some times I have these moments of how great things are now, and having hope that I will turn out okay one day. But lately it's just been really discouraging. Sometimes I think the ED voice will never leave. That I will never feel happy with my body. I just want to feel better.

Work today just dragged on. I wanted it to be 5:30 so I could go home and run. I was ready to go and run and I looked in the mirror and I broke into tears. I looked so big. I didn't want people driving to see my running and see how big I was. My thighs have cellulite on the front, sides, and back. It's repulsive. I ended up going running away. It didn't really make me feel all that better. I took a cold shower. I laid in my bed listening to music, trying to calm down. I took a Klonopin when none of these things made my anxiety go down. After about a half hour, I finally felt like life was a little more bearable. I went downstairs and watched a little TV. Soon after, the Klonopin took it's full effects and I went back up to my bed and passed out. I slept for 3 hours. Now I am feeling anxious again. I feel so gross and dirty. I am going to go shower for the 3rd time today. Ugh.

I just feel like shit. Sorry for the negativity. Maybe after this weekend I will feel better?

rain

Today started off pretty great. I met with my minister this morning. I was pretty nervous going into it, but I took a lot of deep breaths and I turned out okay. We had a really great discussion. I caught him up on my life and how my recovery is going. It was good to be reminded of how well I am doing, and how far I have come. From being on death's door 8 months ago, to now being alive in every sense of the word.

Work at the restaurant was stupid today. The customers have been so bitchy and rude lately. And I hate being the person that takes all their crap. All of the servers were so pissed off about how rude the customers were today. It was just an annoying shift. Babysitting went well today. The 8 year old was getting on my nerves. He was being sassy and difficult, and the dog was barking a lot today. It was just an annoying day of work.

After work, I went to the grocery store. It probably wasn't such a good idea. Not only was everyone and their cousin there, but I was super anxious and in a really bad place with body image. I just didn't want to buy any food. Everything I bought ended up being fat free. And I didn't allow myself to buy any foods that I enjoy. Half way through, I had a panic attack. It was a small one, small enough to prevent people from knowing what was going on. But I almost started crying when I was in line. I felt so fat and disgusting. I was wearing a purple flowy spaghetti strap top. I felt like my arms were just gigantic, and my large stomach was visible through it. I felt like every one was staring at my body, and it made me loathe myself even more. I don't know how I got through it, probably the deep breathing, but I made it out of the store without making a scene. I got into my car and sobbed for about 10 minutes straight. I had to make myself stop crying because I knew I could just go on for hours if I wanted to. I thought about texting my therapist but, decided against it because I wanted to handle this my way. Unfortunately, I resorted to exercise. I didn't do it to make my anxiety better, or to re-energize myself. I did it to burn calories. I am only supposed to work out for 1 hour each day, but today I did almost 2 hours. I thought about going to buy food and bingeing and purging, but KNEW I would feel so fucking awful if I did that. My friend Karen called me after my workout and I had a good talk with her. By the way, I didn't feel any better about my body after exercising.
Ughhhh, it's just such a hard thing. I don't feel like it's getting easier. Stupid body image.

I am just holding onto the fact that I get to have dinner with my second mommy tomorrow. It is always so good to see her. She provides me with so much insight, as well as comfort. I just want to melt in her arms, and pour out my soul. I love her.

Alright. Time for bed.

Relaxing weekend except...

Well, I got home a few hours ago. I was at a mountain resort and spa for the weekend. It was so relaxing. The trees are already changing colors up in the mountains and the air is so much cooler. It was so relaxing and invigorating. When we got up there, we did a little shopping. Everything was so expensive thought. There was a North Face fleece jacket that I really wanted, and a pair of cowboy boots, but there was no way I could afford either. So, maybe I will save up for it.

After that, my sister and I made an appointment at the spa to have a herbal infused mineral bath. Oh my gosh it was so amazing. First, they give you a robe and sandals, and while you are waiting you sit in a steam room. I felt all my pores open up, and it was like my skin was instantly perfect. Okay, not really. After that, someone took me back to a private room. There was a claw footed bath tub filled with 104 degree natural spring water, with minerals and herbs in it. I got in and they had a pillow for my head. They put hot tea bags on my eyes and a cool washcloth on my forehead. I soaked in the tub for 30 minutes. It was heaven. My head was completely cleared of thoughts. I was super relaxed and all my muscles loosened up. I could breathe easier. When I got out I just felt so clean, relaxed, and revived. It was just what I needed.

At the resort there was also an indoor pool. I really wanted to go swimming. I brought my bathing suit, but never put it on. I could not stand to look at my body in a bikini. I did not want anyone else to see it either. And I know I would have felt even worse standing next to my super skinny sister. It's really a shame I have gotten so big. I really hate it, I really hate my body and this whole situation. Last night we got dressed up to go to a fancy dinner. I had bought this really cute dress a few weeks ago at H&M. I put it on and it looked like I had an inner tube around my stomach. I looked huge. I wore black tights beneath it, and I had not worn them since last winter. I could barely get them on. The tights made my stomach bulge look even bigger. My mom took some photos of me and my sister. I look disgusting in them. My face looks so filled out. I shared my feelings with my Mom and she said that I looked that way because I was not a skeleton anymore. I know she's right, but I am just sick about how big I have gotten.

I see my dietitian on Friday. I don't want her to weigh me. I don't want her to see the number on the scale. I don't know how much I weigh, but I don't want her to see my disgusting weight. I know she would never think I was disgusting, but I still don't want her to see.

Sorry I have been so negative lately. I really want to try and turn it around. It's so hard though to be positive about my body. I can tell you how much better I feel, how I don't get dizzy spells, how my skin isn't dry, and all the other things my ED caused. But I just want to be in my weight range. Sigh.

Well I have a busy week ahead of me. My schedule is as follows.

Monday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Group at 7-9
Tuesday: Meeting with my minister at 9:30. Work from 11-5:30
Wednesday: Work from 11 to 5:30. Dinner with Mrs. Robson at 7:30
Thursday: Therapy at 9:30. Work 11 to 5:30.
Friday: Appointment with my dietitian at 10am. Work from 11 to 5:30

Anyway, that's all for now.

rough day

Well today was pretty rough. It's one of those days where I'm sitting here on my couch at the end of the day and it doesn't even feel like today happened.

This morning I had therapy. The first half of the session went pretty well. We just talked about my recent self-harm slip, my depression, and how I can meet new people. I am really lonely (have been for as long as I can remember) and my therapist is really urging me to meet new people, which is also really hard for me. So, she suggested that I volunteer or join a non-ED related group. Hopefully I can get myself to do that.

The second half of the session we talked about body image. I told her how completely unhappy I am with my body. I do not like anything about myself. As an athlete, I have always had to trust my body, be in control of it, and rely on it. I don't feel like I can do those things anymore. I have not been exercising lately because either I feel too big to exercise, or I want to do it for the wrong reasons. When I was at Remuda, my dietitian there gave me a weight range to be in. When I came home from Remuda, I still had to gain weight. Within a month or two, I reached my ideal weight and I was surprisingly happy with my body, or at least mostly. But I did not stop gaining weight. And as far as I know (I stopped looking at my weight a few weeks ago), I am still gaining. I do not feel like I belong in this body. It doesn't feel natural. I just want to be back in the weight range that was set for me. I hate saying "no one understands" because I know that's not true, but I had this certain body type all my life, and I don't feel like I have that anymore. And to go from being muscular, super toned, and fit to curvy and larger...it sucks so bad and it's so sad for me. People have had nothing but good compliments for me since my weight gain, telling me how much more beautiful and grown up I look. And that's fine, and that's what I know I need to look like. But, I also think it's important for me to feel good about myself. So, I said all of this in therapy, crying through out all of it. I just felt so...sad and discouraged. At the end of the session my therapist gave me a hug (which she always does) but I didn't want to let go, and so I held on and she hugged me for a long time. I really needed that.

I can't say I felt better after therapy. It was a really hard session. I don't feel like I really one accomplished anything besides just venting my feelings and setting up a plan for exercise. I see my dietitian next Friday. I emailed her about everything going on and she said we will definitely talk about this. I trust my dietitian and I know she would never let me get fat. But my ED is telling me she IS letting me get fat. It can be so confusing sometimes.

After therapy, I went to Starbucks before having to go to my next job. I got a cinnamon dolce latte which was AMAZING. I am totally getting one again soon. Work was long today. Lunch was super busy, and babysitting seemed to last forever. It is so good to finally relax at the end of such a long and hard day.

My minister, John, emailed me back and I am going to meet him next Tuesday. It will be good to see him.

Anyway, that's it for now. I am going to go curl up in bed with my book and ice cream. Tomorrow is Friday and I am SO happy about that. I am so excited for my little getaway this weekend. It is much needed. Here is the link for it in case anyone is interested.
http://www.thehomestead.com/

eh?

I don't feel much of anything these days. Just depressed and wanting to lay in my bed, which of course I cannot do because I work all day. It's the time of year...I know it. I don't get why it's hitting me so early though. My slip up with self harm a few nights ago wasn't a fluke. I could feel it coming. And I am still having urges. I'm having ED urges too. I went to the grocery store tonight, to pick up a few things. Walking down the aisles where the cookies were, and the ice cream...reminded me of the days I would buy a whole pack of Oreos and a gallon of ice cream and eat it all and then throw up until I saw blood. It was not a pretty sight. I am so glad I don't do that anymore. But I have these...fantasies or visions of myself doing that, and finding comfort in it. I am glad I have not acted upon these urges, but I often wonder how long I will be able to go. I definitely plan on talking to my therapist about this on Thursday.

Things with food are going pretty well actually, considering how crappy I feel on the inside. I find myself not worrying about food as much, not counting calories or obsessing. Breakfast is still a struggle, but I have been doing better. Of course I am still disgusted with my body. I wish I could fix that over night. I have a body image workbook that my therapist wants to try. Maybe that will help.

I just woke up from a 2 hour nap and it feels like I woke up from a coma. My head feels like a ton of bricks. Even though I'm not as tired as I was before the nap, I physically feel crummy. It sucks. I really wish that tomorrow would go by super fast, so that Thursday morning would come quicker.

My minister from my church emailed me last week to see how I was doing. He has known about my struggles since my first hospital stay when I was 14. He offered for me to come by church one day and sit down with him and have a talk. I'm thinking I am going to take him up on that offer. He is one of very few men in this world that I trust and feel safe with. My church is pretty much in the middle of the country, with a few houses around it. It's a white building, with a beautiful cemetery. I have always felt comfort at my church. I think right now would be a good time to take a visit. I could stop by Adam and Cindy's graves (two of my neighbors growing up. Adam killed himself a few years ago, and Cindy, his mom, died from breast cancer a year later). I think it would be cathartic for me to go visit my church.

Well this has been the most random blog post ever. It's almost midnight so I better go take my meds and get to sleep so I'm not too tired in the morning.

Day 1

I am now on day 1 of no self harm. I feel much better tonight. I texted my therapist today and told her about it. I was really nervous that she was going to get mad. But she wasn't. She was really concerned though. She helped me put together a plan for tonight to stay safe. I had dinner by myself tonight, instead of with my parents...because they have been stressing me out lately. I went to the library and got some new books, then I went to the grocery store and got dinner and some other things I needed, and now I'm sitting on the couch watching Law and Order. I suddenly got really tired when I sat down, and the day is catching up with me. I had a full day of work. My shift at the restaurant wasn't too busy, and then today with the kids was pretty easy. The youngest one made me play football and basketball with him, which I am sure is one of the reasons I am so tired. And then me and one of the girls made chocolate chip cookies from scratch which were delicious! So, it was a good day.

I am really thankful for the support from Erin last night. I wished I would have texted her before I self-harmed, but I am glad she was there for me afterwards. I don't have many people I can tell those things too. I am glad she understands on some level.

Tomorrow should be a good day. I have a massage in the morning which I am SO looking forward to. My friend Karen is giving me the massage and so it will be good to see her and talk to her as well. I know her words will help me feel better. That's really the only exciting thing happening tomorrow, but it should be enough to get me through the day.

Wednesday is going to be boring. Thursday I have therapy (thank God) and Friday should be boring too. But this weekend I am going out of town with my family and I am SO excited. I can't even explain the place because it is so wonderful. It's called The Homestead. But it's a 5 star resort in the mountains with a spa, indoor and outdoor pool, horseback riding, tea time (yes, they schedule a time for tea), really beautiful scenery, and super comfortable bed. It's going to be great!

Anyway, that's it for now!

Well shit.

I don't even want to write what I'm about to write. But here it goes.

I just relapsed with self-harm. I could feel it coming for the past several days. I wanted to desperately to fight it. But it was one of those instances where I could think of nothing else, and it was if my body was frozen in time. I almost self-harmed last night, but texted my therapist and she talked me out of it. I didn't even text my therapist this time. I just had to do it. I know that is stupid fucking thing to say. I was so miserable though. I felt stupid, ugly, fat, gross, dirty, out of control, alone, depressed, ashamed, etc. It was too much. I could not get over the disgust I feel about my body. I hate saying "no one understands", but that's how I truly feel sometimes. I have been at a consistent weight the past 8 years. Unhealthy weight at times, but consistent. I have always been toned and super muscular; a body every one wants. And since entering recovery, I know longer have that body and it hurts. I was at a healthy weight 10lbs ago. Yet I continued to gain. Everyone says your body takes a while for your weight to even out. Yet I have either kept gaining, or maintained. I want to be in the weight range the dietitians at Remuda gave to me. I want to lose weight.

But tonight was not about losing weight. It was about the torture inside my head. I have been so depressed the past few days. Do I feel better after cutting? Honestly...yes, I do. I know this will make everyone on my treatment team sad and disappointed, and that kills me. As bad as it sounds, I am really glad I did not purge. If I had purged, I think I would have felt a lot worse. Yes, I do feel bad about cutting. But it's not something I have had to work as hard at as cutting.


I know this is just a slip, not a relapse. I can choose where I go from here. And I choose to not slip up. I will tell my therapist. I will text her tomorrow. I will move on.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. More tomorrow.

Late night thoughts

I must be stupid for not being in my bed and falling asleep right now, considering how exhausted I have been this week. But, my head is churning out all of these thoughts so I figured it would be best to get them out before bed.

I went to a really cool event tonight. It's called Beyond Barbie: A Celebration of Real Women. An artist in our area is sponsoring the event. She takes photographs of nude women (tastefully done of course) and then paints them. Tonight was the opening of the event and I went with my friend Heather. I also went to support my friend Karen, whose portrait was featured. It was amazing! Each of the portraits had the subject's stories posted beside them. Some of the women said they felt very nervous while have their photograph take, while some of them felt so anxiety at all. It was cool seeing all of these paintings of women of all shapes and sizes. It was really powerful. My own anxieties and insecurities about my body popped into my head. I tried my best to enjoy the artwork and not focus on comparing myself to everyone there. I think I did a pretty good job. I long for the day when I can accept my body as it is, and not long for the body I used to have. It seems pretty difficult, but possible...I think.

Also at the event, was the leader of my support group, who is a dietitian in the area. Before I left, I pulled her aside and told her about some of my concerns with group. My social anxiety has been pretty bad all of my life. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable in social situations, especially new ones. I started the new support group this week and it was SO hard to get through group. I was such a mess inside. So, I decided to inform my group leader about this tonight. She was super cool and understanding about it. She suggested I sit next to her in group to try and make me feel more comfortable, since she's the only one I know. I told her maybe checking in with me from time to time would help as well. I am so glad she knows about this now. I am hopeful that this social anxiety will lessen with time.

Night times have been horrible for me lately. I am getting more and more anxious about the impending cold weather and holiday season. Lately, at night time I have been experiencing waves of sadness and loneliness. Nothing seems to make them better. And what makes them worse is wanting a hug or to lean on someone's shoulder. It sucks that I don't have that, at least not at my house. I hope this gets better soon.

I am just so excited it's the weekend. I am so excited to sleep in tomorrow. And on Sunday. I plan on doing a whole lot of nothing. It's going to be great.

Well, that's about it. It makes me sad that no one comments on my blog anymore. I thought about making it private, but I don't think I will.

Everyone have a good weekend!

Hello Fall!

So, three hours ago I was playing basketball with one of the kids I babysit and I was sweating because it was so muggy and hot out. Well since then it has dropped about 20 degrees. It feels so nice outside! I am so happy Fall weather is here! I am so sick of the humidity! And my summer clothes really don't fit that well anymore so it's nice to wear the new clothes I bought.

Waking up this morning was SO hard. I felt like I was waking up from a coma. It sucked! I had an appointment with my gynecologist and 9:30am. I got an ultrasound to check on my ovarian cysts. They are still there but not as big and seem to be going away, so that's good! Then I met with my doctor after the ultrasound to go over it. She is so awesome. She knows my history of my eating disorder and my abuse, so she is very understanding and caring, as well as sensitive to my feelings. She's great and it's always good to see her. Even though it's not under the most...uh...exciting of circumstances.

After the doctor, I went to Starbucks to hang out before my therapy appointment. It was so freaking loud in there and I want to scream at everyone. Obviously my anxiety was a little high. So then I went to therapy and...it was SO good to see her. Before I sat down I asked for a hug, which is hard for me to do. But I am so glad I did it, because I really needed it. We pretty much covered everything that has happened over the past two weeks. We talked about the feelings that are being brought up about my abuse. A person who I was pretty involved with last year has shown up on Facebook and seeing his picture has sort of re-traumatized me. So I have been having more flashbacks and nightmares lately. So I made the decision with the help of my therapist to block him on Facebook and delete his number from my phone. I don't care if he gets pissed of, which he probably will. It's his loss, not mine. I am just so done with the drama and chaos. My therapist also recommended that I get a massage. She thinks it will help with my body image issues and the feelings of neediness and wanting comfort that I have been having. So, I made an appointment to get one on Tuesday. I am realllly looking forward to it!

This is pathetic. It's 8pm and I am ready for bed. Who am I? I am just so tired. I must need sleep because everytime The Lion King 3D commercial comes on TV I start crying. I need to get it together. But that movie is just so damn sad.

Okay, that's all I have for now.

exhausted

Well I am just so exhausted I can barely muster up the energy to write this post. I am on week 2 of my new schedule and it's not treating me well. I could barely wake up this morning. I got in the shower and leaned against the wall and almost fell asleep. I had to guzzle a huge bottle of Diet Coke to wake myself up.

After I got ready, I met my friend Karen for breakfast. It was good to see her and talk to her. There is going to be an event here in Richmond this month and next week called Beyond Barbie, and one of the nights is about eating disorders and body image. My friend Karen will be speaking at it, and I am definitely going. It's going to pretty cool. I don't think Richmond has ever had an event like this before. I also asked Karen about the emotions she went through when she started gaining weight and had to buy new clothes (which I recently had to do). While talking to her about it I almost burst into tears. I don't really think I wanted to cry just talking about my new body, although I know that had a lot to do with it. I think a lot of it was saying my feelings out loud for the first time in 2 weeks. I didn't have therapy last week, and I just haven't had anyone I could talk to about what's going on. I of course can blog here, and talk to my friends Erin and Heather, through texts, but saying it out loud is completely different.

Anyway, after breakfast I went to work at the restaurant. I had fun at work today. The people that were there today were a great group and so we had a lot of laughs. It made time go by faster, plus it was sort of busy. After that I went straight to my nannying job and ate lunch until it was time to go meet one of the kids at the bus stop. The kids were pretty easy today. Me and one of the girls made ice cream and that was fun. She loves to bake so I know I am going to have fun with her trying out all sorts of different recipes.

So, now it's not even 10pm and I could fall asleep right now. But I'm worried if I go to bed too early then I will sleep too much and then make myself even more tired.

I have therapy tomorrow and I am beyond excited. I wrote my therapist an email a couple days back just basically venting all the things that were in my head. She said to hang in there and we will talk it out in our next session. I feel like my head is going to explode. I cannot wait to see her tomorrow morning.

It sucks that I am so tired because it makes everything else going on in my head be ten times worse. I just feel super overwhelmed, and it doesn't help that I absolutely loathe my body. I have thought about doing a body tracing in therapy. But I don't ask to do it because what if I do it and I am the same size on paper that I see in the mirror. I just can't accept my new body yet. I know I have to eventually. But...it's just so difficult to remain positive about it. I don't expect to have a child's or teenager's body. I know I am not a teenager anymore. I am a woman and I should have a woman's body. But this body does not feel right. It feels unnatural. I can't get beyond that. 10lbs ago I was healthy. Why can't I go back to that?

Anyway, I realize this was a super boring post. Hopefully after therapy tomorrow I will have more interesting things to say.

I can't think of a good title

Well, it's Sunday night, and tomorrow starts another busy work week, which is also going to be filled with appointments and such. My week was really great though. Saturday I picked up Mrs.Robson (who I call my second mom) and we went by her office (my old school) and picked up the art piece I had made for her a couple months back. She had it framed and wanted to find a big enough frame holder to put it in. So we went to an arts and crafts store and picked one out. Then we went to lunch at Cafe Caturra, which is sort of like Panera, but way better and way nicer. We talked for about and hour and then her husband picked her up. It was SO good to see her and SO good to talk to her (as it always is). I love how we have kept in touch since I graduated high school four years ago. We decided that we should get together for lunch whenever possible, which will probably be every weekend or so.

After lunch, I went across the street and went shopping at the big mall. My dad gave me his credit card to use, since I basically have to buy a whole new wardrobe. I have one pair of pants that fit. The rest I can't get past my thighs. So, I bought another pair of jeans and a pair of khakis, both of which have to be altered because they are too long. Then I went to H&M and bought some really cute tops. When I was finished there I went to our other mall and bought some more tops at Forever 21. It sucks that I'm not an extra small anymore, and sometimes not even a small. But, I feel much better wearing clothing that fits, and isn't too tight.

After I finished shopping, I was super tired and my feet and my knees were killing me, and I had a huge headache. Since my Mom is out of town, my Dad took me to dinner at P.F. Changs. I love that restaurant and so that was fun. Except, we sat at the bar and ate and the bartender reminded me so much of my ex, and that was bothering me.

I was in so much pain throughout and after dinner. Over the past couple of months I have been having a lot of knee pain. It's a deep aching pain that gets worse after I get up from sitting, after I exercise, and when I bend my knees. I had to ice my knees last night and take Advil because they hurt so bad. If it doesn't get better, I will go to the doctor.

Today I slept in until 12pm, which was nice. I got up and watched a bunch of the 9/11 anniversary coverage, which is so, so sad and overwhelming. And then it was my turn to cut the grass so I did that. I about died. It was so freaking hot, and I just got tired really easily. I took a cold shower after that. I just got home from dinner with my dad, my sister, and her boyfriend.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my dietitian. I am excited to see her, since I saw neither my therapist or my dietitian last week. Like our last appointment, I don't want to know anything about my weight, even though ED wants to know what it is. I also went a teeny bit overboard with exercising last week, but not too bad, and I haven't done it since. But it will be good just to see her, talk to her, and of course get a hug from her. She gives the best hugs ever!

Then after that, I go to work at 11 and work until 5:30 pm. And then at 7pm I start a new support group. I am excited, but also very anxious for that. I don't know anyone in the group except the woman leading it. I get so nervous in new, social situations. So I know I am going to be a mess before and during it.

Not much else going on...just been a little bit more depressed lately. OCD stuff has not been as bad this week, which has been nice. I am really looking to therapy on Thursday, because I have so much going through my head lately. Blahh.

Anyway, that's about it. I will update later on in the week.

new schedule and such

Rainy weather usually relaxes me, helps me sleep better, puts me in a pretty good mood. But these past few days have been pretty much non stop rain and I have been a hot mess. I started my new job and am working full time now. This new schedule is wearing me out. My feet and my knees are killing me, and I am just exhausted by 6pm every day. I thought that being busy would lessen my obsessive thoughts, but sometimes it seems to have gotten worse. I cried getting dressed this morning and driving to work. Cried. I felt so unbelievably uncomfortable in every thing I put on. I now only have one pair of pants that fit me, which are the new jeans I bought 2 months ago. None of my jeans or cords from last fall/winter will go past my knees. My shirts have also gotten to the point where they are too tight. It's really miserable. I mean, I just have so much inner turmoil going on. Nothing I wear is comfortable or feels good. I told my Mom about all of this today and she is going to take me shopping this weekend. Thank God. I feel like if I at least have clothing that I feel comfortable in, and that I think looks good on me, then my mood will improve a little bit.

I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to check up on the cysts on my ovaries. But no one would fucking answer my calls or texts to cover my shift at work, so I had to reschedule the appointment. And the next time they had is the next appointment with my therapist. So I had to reschedule my appointment with my therapist which will make me have to get someone to cover another shift. My new schedule is very stressful, and I hate it. My dietitian works late in the day so I should not have a problem scheduling appointments with her, but both my therapist and psychiatrist will have to see me in the early morning. I also won't have as much time to meet up with friends or get other things done. It's really annoying. And this is why I don't think I would ever be able to survive having a 9-5 job. Pathetic, I know. But I just don't function like other people do.

I keep wanting to scratch the itch that is my OCD, but I know that acting out on it will only make me more miserable. It's almost like I have to stay in constant motion to prevent myself from doing my rituals and behaviors. My depression is creeping back in. I can feel it. It sneaks up on me every time. But I am finally beginning to understand and recognize the specific signs for me. Like, the sadness that seems to come out of nowhere and hits me hard, so hard that I lose focus with whatever I am doing. The feelings of loneliness and emptiness, and of wanting to be comforted. It worries me, but I will make sure to stay honest with my treatment team.

Well, not much else going on. I'm looking forward to having lunch with my second mommy (my tutor from middle/high school) on Saturday. I saw her last weekend for lunch, but since this week has been so hard, I have had this urge to just cling to her and get the comfort she has provided me with since I was 13 years old. It will be so good to see her and talk to her.

I'll update after the weekend probably.

depressing ramblings

I am all out of sorts. My brain feels all mushy. Nothing feels right. My hair is wrong, my clothes are wrong, my make-up is wrong, etc. Everything just feels so off. I know a lot of this is my OCD. And I was hoping that now that my days are going to be filled with work, I would not concentrate on my body and all my little obsessions so much. And, yes...today was better than it has been. But at night time is when it is the worst. I suppose that is why I have been taking naps at night. Falling asleep at 8ish and waking up at 11. And then going back to sleep an hour later. I just want to avoid my feelings and my obsessive thoughts and compulsions. My therapist says when I have the urges to do compulsions, the best thing to do is NOT do them. It is so hard! When your brain is screaming do this or do that, you have to just sit there and let it pass. And it does eventually, but it sucks.

The more I go out in public, the fatter I feel. Every girl that passes by is smaller than me. I look at them and think, "I used to look like that". Now I am normal and filled out. I am not wanting to be emaciated again and underweight like I was before. I want my toned, athletic body back. And that has me really motivated to keep up a strict workout regiment, without going overboard of course. Okay, enough fat talk.

I also feel this sense of...loneliness and sadness. Almost like I want to be nurtured and taken care of. I don't get why these feelings pop out of nowhere.

I feel guilty for writing such a depressing blog post. But I really needed to vent my feelings, get them off my chest.

Okay, time for bed. New day tomorrow.

fabulous weekend

What a great weekend I had to turn around such a horrific week. I took the train up to Maryland to visit my friend Erin. I got there around 1pm and we went downtown with her mom to get some lunch at a really cool restaurant called The Tasting Room. I had a cheeseburger, and it made me really full, but I felt like I did a pretty good job with it. After that we walked around downtown a little more. It was a very cool place, with lots of neat shops and restaurants. After that, we went back to her house and hung out until it was time for dinner. We went downtown at a great Mexican place called La Paz. While we were waiting for a table, Erin and I had spontaneously decided to walk down the street and get a piercing. We both got our tragus pierced. I have wanted this piercing for a few months, and I am so glad I got it. I didn't think it was going to hurt that bad because my cartilage piercing didn't hurt a bit, and neither did my tattoo. And I normally have a very high pain tolerance from being beat up in sports all my life. But dear lord, this hurt like a bitch. I think what made it worse was that I tensed up. It was throbbing all throughout dinner and I thought I was going to be a sick, but after a couple hours the pain went away and it feels fine now.

After dinner, Erin and I headed to the hookah bar where we stayed until about 1am. That was really fun, even though we sat with some questionable people, and I almost got kidnapped and murdered by this random 40 year old (okay, not really). But it was pretty sketchy. We even saw a fist fight outside and the cops showed up. Too bad we couldn't have seen more action since we were inside the hookah bar when it was happening. I started getting really tired around 12am, but stuck it out because I really was having a good time. We went back to her house and watched Chelsea Lately, and I fell asleep around 3am. Erin woke me up around 10am, and she and her Mom made breakfast. It was really good and I was really proud of myself for listening to my hunger cues and eating it! After breakfast, I showered and we went to the puppy store at the mall and played with this really cute, soft, but hyper puppy. We also went downtown again and stopped in at this cool store that had lots of neat stuff. By the time we got back to her house and had lunch, it was time for me to leave to take the train back home. The train right back wasn't too bad because I had no one sitting next to me and the car I was in was quiet. But I was freezing, and they kept blowing the damn horn every 2 minutes. Do you really need to blow the horn when you are in the middle of nowhere?

Anyway, it feels good to be back home, but I am getting increasingly nervous about starting my new job and and stress that I will be taking on. My anxiety has been coming out in pretty irritating ways. I am obsessed over my body. I find no satisfaction with what I look like what-so-ever. I cannot even describe how huge my stomach is. I want to cry thinking about it. My OCD has reared it's ugly head and it's really miserable. My psychiatrist increased my Prozac, and gave me the lowest dose of Xanax for situations when I really need it.
I can't think too much about the thoughts and obsessions swirling in my head or else my heart beats rapidly and I start having self-harm urges and my eyes fill with tears. Because of my new schedule starting this week, and my therapist's kids starting back at school as well, we do not have time to have a session this week. This makes me even more nervous. I know I can call her though.

Bahhhh, anyway. I need to relax and get in my bed and just chill.

horrible week.

I am so glad tomorrow is Saturday and I'm going to be in Maryland for the night with Erin and possibly my friend Ashley too. This week has sucked.

The power didn't come back on until Wednesday, which was good. But, Wednesday I worked a lunch shift and it was super busy and I got pretty stressed out, although I did make $15. And then I saw my dietitian that night. I did a blind weight and she told me nothing about my weight (because I asked her not to). I don't regret this decision, but it made me anxious because I wasn't able to have that control factor. My dietitian wants me start a food journal again. I have to write down specifically what I eat and what time I eat it. Hopefully once I start work next week and I get back into a routine, then I will be eating at appropriate times of the day and my metabolism will jump start.

Then Thursday morning I had therapy. It went well, no big issues came up and we kind of had a light hearted conversation about the new tattoo I want to get and my plans for the weekend and things like that. Then after therapy I had a psychiatrist appointment. I don't know what happened, but this enormous amount of anxiety came over me. I was driving to the appointment and I was so agitated, I was shaking, and I felt like I was going to throw up. In the midst of this, I was having a lot of cramping and lower abdominal pain. My period is 4 days late, so at the time I didn't know what was causing this. So when I was in the waiting room I was getting more and more anxious. It was horrible. During my appointment I could not even focus because everything felt out of control and I just could not calm myself down. I knew I was going to throw up. As soon as the appointment was over I ran to the bathroom and puked. I felt better once I threw up so I thought it was okay to drive home. My house was about 20 minutes away, and on the way home I felt like I was going to be sick again, and knew I could make it back home. When I got home, I threw up two more times, and then finally it went away. I made an appointment to see my gynecologist today because my periods have been so off and I have been having a lot of pelvic pain.

So today I had the appointment with my gynecologist, where I discovered I have two very small cysts on my ovaries. It's no big deal. They usually go away on their own. When the nurse weighed me, I asked her not to tell me, which I was very proud of myself for. When I asked my doctor about my irregular periods, she asked how long this has been going on and I told her about going back to treatment for my eating disorder and how I had lost my period for a while. She said my body is most likely still adjusting to my nutritional needs which is why it's not regular yet, even though I am at a healthy weight. I have to go back in a couple weeks for a repeat ultrasound, and check up. And then in October I have to go back again for my annual appointment.

With all of this, I have been struggling more with depression, which is most likely due to the time of year. I have always been deeply affected by the change in weather and seasons. Also, my OCD is pretty difficult right now. I have been having a lot of obsessive thoughts, as well as compulsions. My psychiatrist increased my dosage of Prozac to hopefully help with this. Oh and my body image and social anxiety has been horrible as well.

Anyway, I am just so glad this week is over. Tomorrow I take the train up to Maryland to visit Erin for the weekend and I could not be more excited. It will be so good to see her and get away for the weekend.

I'm sure things will go up from here, and I'm not too worried. I always end up being okay.