Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone!

Well the first thing that comes to my head is...it's the end of a decade. Which I personally have no problem with. If you have read my blog you know that the past 10 years have been a roller coaster I never thought I would be on. But this is also the start of a new decade. And that...I am very excited about. Time to leave those 10 years behind me...Time to start new.

I remember this time last year I was sobbing alone in my apartment. I was so extremely relieved that 2009 was over, because it had been such a horrible horrible year for me. And I was so ready to leave it behind and move the fuck on. And that is exactly what I did. Maybe not entirely, but I started.

This year I didn't cry. Not even one tear. I am excited for my future mostly, mixed in with anxiety and fear and the unknown...but such is life.

Now is the time to trust it. To trust myself, to trust the process, to trust my team.

Time to let go. Goodbye eating disorder, goodbye self harm, goodbye bad relationships, goodbye PTSD, goodbye old me.

Hello health. Hello friends. Hello love. Hello recovery. Hello relationships. Hello travels. Hello new jobs. Hello healing. Hello positivity. Hello hope. Hello LIFE.

Resolutions

I made my New Year's Resolution today. Well, there are two of them.

1. Be more positive. Turn every negative into something positive

2. Get back on track with recovery.

For the second one, I already emailed my dietitian who I have known since I was 14. I haven't seen her for treatment in about a year due to the cost. But I emailed her to set up an appointment so she can help me set up a meal plan and all that fun stuff. I won't be able to afford to see her on a regular basis, nor do I feel I need it. But I just need to see her a couple of times to get back on track. My therapist agrees with this idea. I am anxious and scared, however, I am committed to doing this and know that this is the best thing for me.

Wrong

The other night I wanted to end it all. I don't feel that way anymore, not to that extreme. But I am frustrated. I recognize what I need to change in my life...and yet I feel like I don't have it in me to do it. I want it...I want to change. But I literally feel stuck. I am so irritated.

Move on, let it go.
What if I am not able to? What if there is something wrong with me, that it's not possible for me to move on and let it go.

Is it really as simple as walking away?

I just feel like something is wrong with me. I don't remember ever NOT feeling that way.

I've cried the past 4 days. Now I'm all bottled up again.

This is so wrong. I am so wrong.

7 years

7 years ago today I was admitted to Remuda Ranch. Looking back to that day I didn't realize how significant it all was. Now I do. 7 years ago today was the first day I made the step into recovery. It has been a big rollercoaster of ups and downs since then, but recovery has always always been in the back of my head. Prior to December 28, 2003....it was not.

I do not dwell on, or think about this day often. But today I am, for obvious reasons. It was such a strange day. I remember it so well. I was scared and overwhelmed and completely oblivious to what lie ahead. However, I never in my life have received so much support and love as when I did when I was at Remuda.

I was only 15 years old, on the opposite side of the country from where my home was, and sick and scared. But 4 1/2 months later I emerged a healthier and happier person...in a state of mind I still am trying to get back to.

Anyway...just wanted to share.

Christmas

Well, first of all...Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone! I hope everyone had a good time and that it wasn't too stressful or overwhelming.

According to me, my Christmas didn't really go all that well. Yes, I got some really nice presents from friends and family, and even had the first white Christmas here in 17 years, so that is pretty special. But over the past two days I have been in a state of depression. I sat on my parent's couch sobbing yesterday. I felt so alone. Both my sisters have serious boyfriends who bought them lots of nice gifts and spent lots of time with them. And I am all alone. I really felt it. And it hurt. It didn't feel like a happy Christmas. I felt very sad actually. Everything in my life is going pretty well...things are on an upswing right now. But I'm alone. Okay yes, I have my family, and my good few close friends, but I want that comfort of a boyfriend. I see my sisters experiencing it and it makes me want it so bad.

I can hear my mom saying to me, "Oh but Holly you are only 22! You are so young and you will find someone!" And I know that's what everyone else would say to me too. But I want it now. Is that wrong?

I want someone to share my joy and progress and laughter and humor with. I want someone to hold on to. I want them to be there for me and me be there for them. it just aches.

Sadly, my best memory from this Christmas was getting pretty drunk at our family party and not feeling much and just being slap happy.

On the bright side, I did get a gift to the online course for Soul Restoration for Brave Girls Camp from my dear friend Jamie. I am so looking forward to this. If you don't know what Brave Girls Camp is, you need to check it out.

Well that's all I have for now.

This is short.

I have been feeling really good lately (anxiety aside). I have been eating better, and while it still needs to improve a lot...progress has been made. Flashbacks are less frequent. My friend said to me yesterday that I don't seem as depressed as I used to. It was weird to hear that, but he is totally right. I look back 3-4 months ago, and I was kind of a hot mess. These days...I am coping. I am doing alright. Things are still hard, but I have great people in my life. I am working my ass off and making that money. Christmas is almost here and I LOVE that. I'm just feeling...better.

I like it.

Anxiety

I hate anxiety. I've been doing really well with my anxiety, panic attacks, etc for a couple weeks now. Okay, so it has not gone away completely...it is always there. But there are chunks of time where it is bearable, where it's not overwhelming. I've been relatively calm lately, and I have really enjoyed it. But this morning, as soon as I opened my eyes, I felt the trembling all over my body, the horrible feeling in my stomach and chest, and this overwhelming sense that something was wrong. But why today? Why this morning? Things were going so well! Maybe it's the stress of work, of the holidays. I know eventually it will fade. But it just really SUCKED to wake up to this. I immidietely popped a Xanax (it's prescribed to me, I'm not addicted or anything). Because I knew if I didn't take some sort of medicine then, I would be in hell all day. Hopefully this will mellow me out and I can get through my double shift today, and then just breathe....because I have the next 3 days off.

Breathe, Breathe, Breathe. Listen to music, Breathe some more, Laugh, Breathe, Think about something completely different, and....Just Breathe.

stuck like glue

Updates

I don't really feel like writing a detailed post. I'm tired and not feeling well. So I am just going to do some bullets of what's going on with me lately.



- Christmas is 6 days away, I still need to get half of my shopping done. The next time I have to do it is Tuesday before work, or Thursday.

- I am currently on exercise restriction from my therapist until I start eating better. This has definitely provided me some motivation. I love running, it has been so healing lately. So it was horrible to hear that I am not allowed to run. Since hearing that, I have been eating much more and much better.

- I see my psychiatrist on Thursday. I am going to ask him about switching around my anxiety meds.

- I deleted someone from my Facebook friends list. (Okay I know that sounds trivial) But this person used to be a really good friend of mine, but she stopped talking to me 3 months ago for reasons unknown. I have been really hurt by it, and to see her on Facebook talking to EVERYONE else...has been painful. So, she has my email and my phone number, and my messages have gone unanswered. If she wants to talk to me, she knows how to find me.

- I go through these phases where I feel like I am pushing people away, and everyone is mad or annoyed at me. And I am in one of those phases now. I am paranoid that I have done something wrong, even though people tell me I haven't. Something I just get the sense people don't want to talk to me anymore and that my personal struggles are pushing them away frome me.

- I had a huge full blown panic attack on Friday night. It was awful. I was able to calm down without any help though. What triggered it was just a bunch of things, mostly just thinking back to my past, how I felt, or didn't feel, then. What happened, what I lost, what I went through, how it has affected me. To think of all those things at once is just too much, and I have learned that the hard way. I am grieving what I lost 10 years ago, 10 years later.

- I am going through the "Understanding it wasn't your fault" chapter in The Courage to Heal workbook. It's definitely tough.

- For some reason I haven't been able to get into the Christmas spirit as much this year. Maybe it's because I am working so damn much and don't have time to. But it really doesn't feel like Christmas and I am not ready for it at all.

Well, there's not much else to say. I'm feeling pretty miserable physically. I need some hot chocolate and some rest. Too bad I work tonight, work a double tomorrow, work Tuesday night, and work a double again on Wednesday. But then I have 3 days off...so that will be good.

I will write more later on in the week.

Layers

I am still working through The Courage to Heal books. The other day I ran across an excerpt from the section where survivors tell their stories. And it hit me so hard that I have to share it.

"When I get into a crisis now, instead of saying, "Oh my god, I'm never going to heal," I see that it's like layers, and the more I work with it, the more they keep coming around. And even though it's like "But I was feeling good two days ago and now I'm shaking and crying and I can't sleep," I'm beginning to see that I'm not coming back to the same place, I'm coming back at a different level. It's a circling, and up and down, and I have to be with it, and ride it, and trust it. When I reach the next level where the tears are, where the fear is, where the tiredness is, I have to trust in my life energy -- that where I am is where I need to be. And by being there as fully as I possibly can, I move to the next step." - Gizelle

I told my therapist today that I think I have recovered all the memories I am going to remember. That there used to be a time where I felt and knew inside of me that there was more to be remembered, and the memories kept coming. But I don't feel that way anymore. I don't think there is anything big left. I continue to remember small details, sometimes more haunting than the big things. I look back to a year ago, hell even four months ago, and it has gotten so much better, it has gotten so much easier. "It" being the remembering and the process of dealing with my childhood sexual abuse. This is not to say it's all better, but I'm not in the emergency stage anymore, at least not in a constant state of it. Some days are better than others, some days are worse than others.

My therapist asked me today, "What do you think you need now to heal?" I told her I didn't know. I threw out there the idea of forgiveness, the idea of needing to still get really angry. I'm just going to keep doing what I have been doing. It has worked so far. Maybe I will give EMDR a try too, and maybe take K up on her offer and try body memory recall. I also talked to my therapist today about how I can acknowledge that I was sexually abused, but it's hard for me to embrace, hard for me to swallow the fact that it was ME. My therapist has been keeping my Courage to Heal workbook in her office for a few weeks because it's just been too much for me to do lately, but she gave it back to me today. I looked at the cover, and had to turn it over. The words "child sexual abuse" just get to me. This is MY book, and it has those words on the cover? I believe it all really happened, but it's scary and sad for me to...take it.

BUT, with all of that said...I didn't think there would be a day when it would get better, but it HAS. And it will continue to. And there will be a day without flashbacks, and without body memories, and without all the crap that comes with PTSD.

There is SO much to say right now, it's all good though. Positive and forward motion. Yesterday I felt like a hopeless head case. Today, with the help of the wonderfully amazing K, and my wonderfully amazing therapist...I have hope.

Winter

"I’m living under water. Everything seems slow and far away. I know there’s a world up there, a sunlit quick world where time runs like dry sand through an hourglass, but down here, where I am, air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense."
-Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife

This quote basically sums out how I feel right now, how I feel through the season of winter. I hate cold weather. I hate the way it seems to freeze up my insides and make everything in the past come flooding back. Why is that? I feel dark and depressed, yet numb at the same time. Every day feels the same, everything is dark. I don't feel any hope in this season. And maybe that's why every single day lately I just have the urge to carve up my leg or arm. If I don't have anything to look forward to, that's all I want to do. I have gone 3 weeks without self-harm, without cutting, and the only reason is because I continually find things to look forward to. Even in the midst of all the struggle I feel right now, all the mess that I feel right now...I can find something to look forward to. And for me, that is so important for me. I must always have something to look forward to and something to be excited about. And I always do.
So, while I feel so very dark inside, so hopeless, and so scared and anxious, I feel excited about certain things. And so, to take care of myself...I am going to make a list of the things I am looking forward to currently.

- Thursday (seeing K, getting a massage, therapy)

- Buying a sparkly dress for my family's Christmas party

- Going to the UVA basketball game with my dad on Friday

- Christmas in general

- Buying presents for friends and family

- A possible snow storm on Thursday and Sunday

- Whenever the hell Black Swan opens in theaters around here!

And that's all I can think of for now. But that's enough. Because I have things to feel good about and to be excited about. As hard as it is, I have to think of those things when everything in me feels like giving in to the darkness.

Gratitude.

With the suggestion from Emily, I decided to make a gratitude post in the midst of all this struggle I am going through. It is hard for me to do this, since my mind only wants to see the negative right now. But I hope this post/exercise will leave me feeling somewhat better.

I am grateful for...

1. My family, friends, therapist, and psychiatrist. They keep me sane. They point out what I need to see and need to do when everything seems to be going wrong. They have stood by my side no matter what. I would not be here today, without them

2. My dogs. It sounds silly, but my dogs Lucy and Sophie bring a smile to my face whenever I see them. Since they live with my parents, I don't get to see them as often as I would like. But there is nothing like the unconditional love of a dog. Sophie loves to snuggle up next to me and lick my face, and Lucy likes to run around the house and play chase. I love my dogs.

3. My jobs. Even though at times I cannot stand working, I am so very thankful to have 2 jobs, especially right now when unemployment is so high. Working keeps me grounded, it keeps my mind off things I shouldn't be thinking about, it takes up time that I would most likely use to do useless things like sleep and obsess. Most of the time I have a lot of fun with my co-workers, and I make enough money to get by and to afford the things I need.

4. Music. No matter what I am going through, good or bad, music is my second form of therapy. No, I don't play any instruments, but I have thousands of songs on my iPod and millions of CD's in my car. I listen to music whenever I get the chance. I love being able to relate to lyrics in songs, and relate them to whatever I have gone through or am going through. I love music that is silly and fun, but also music that is serious and thought provoking.

5. Laughter. I am probably most grateful for this one. Laughing is my favorite thing to do in the entire world. I can always laugh, no matter how crummy I feel. I am very fortunate to work with a group of people that crack me up, especially one guy...who can make me burst out laughing when all I feel like doing is crying. I watch the Ellen Degeneres show everyday, and that makes me laugh no matter what too.

6. Hugs. Seriously, what would the world be like without hugs? I love hugs, always have. Although I don't get as many as I like, I think at this point in time, I get enough. To me, getting or giving a hug is the ultimate gift. There are about 3 people in my life who regularly give me hugs. I am so thankful for them.

7. Running or any form of exercise. Nothing in my life has ever made me feel better than exercising. I was, and will be, an athlete all of my life. So for me to not have exercise in my life, is like taking away air. I currently run whenever I find the time, always take time to stretch when I wake up and before I go to bed, and am looking into taking dance classes or getting back into the gymnastics gym. I also want to run the 10k here in the Spring, and hopefully run a 5k before I do that.

8. The power of change. I can't believe I am putting this on a list of things I am grateful for, but I am. I have always hated any form of change, good or bad. BUT I have come to realize that without change, you cannot grow. So therefore, I am grateful for change, and am grateful that I have the power to make certain things change, if I choose to.

I feel a weakness

"It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this. I feel a weakness coming on." - The Walk by Imogen Heap

Well, this post isn't going to be positive. Let me just say that from the beginning. I want it to be, but all I am feeling right now is negativity and frustration. I know I have the power to turn all my negative thoughts into positive ones, and maybe after writing this I will have the energy to do that, but not right now. I apologize if this is depressing, bleak, uninspiring, etc.

A good friend told me today that you can only recover from your eating disorder if you TRULY want to. She is 100% right. It got me thinking though, do I really want recovery? I think I'm on the fence, in between, however you want to say it. I think the healthy part of me wants it more than anything in the world, and knows that it's the right choice to make. But I think the sick, eating disordered part of me wants to hold onto ED as long and as strong as I can. I can't decide which part of me is stronger. Sometimes I hear one voice louder than the other. Today, I am hearing ED...loud and clear. But this also got me thinking (and I know this might sound absurd)...do I really have a problem with food? Instinct says YES. But what if, it's not ED that wants ED....but ME that wants ED? How do you know the difference?

I could go on and on about my eating disordered thoughts, behaviors, rituals, routines, etc. But that does not help. I have dealt with these things for years now. Some of them have lessened, others have gotten stronger. Yes, I have not purged in 3 months, which is the longest I have gone without purging since last Spring. This is progress. I can acknowledge that. But I still am destroying myself with starvation, bingeing, and body image distortion.

I thought today, maybe I need to see my dietitian again. But really, what is she going to tell me that I don't already know? Probably nothing. And even if I did need her, there is no way I could afford it, so I shot that one down right away. I know how to make a meal plan. I know how to eat 3 times a day. I know how to say no to ED. I still have my books and binders and journals from Remuda. I could reference back to them to get back on track, and maybe that is something I will take a look at. I have my knowledge from 7 years of therapy and seeing a dietitian. But when it comes down to it...and this is what sort of scares me...is that it is up to me and only me to say no to ED, and to make the choice to put 100% of myself into recovery. And most of all, I HAVE TO WANT IT. This is not some new revelation. I have known this for years. I know that no one can fix the problem. Yes, I have my therapist, my psychiatrist, the support of my friends to help me when things are hard. But I have to decide for me whether I want this or not.

If I eat 3 times a day, if I nourish my body and mind, if I turn every negative into a positive, if I dedicate myself to RECOVERY...I will be making the right decision, I will be a happier and healthier person, and life will go on. Right? I know this is all true. But damnit, it scares the hell out of me. It really does. I have wrapped myself up in my eating disorder for over 7 years. It has become a part of me, more a part of me that I want it to be. Without my eating disorder, who the fuck am I? Emmy said to me today that the eating disorder thoughts and behaviors are just a symptom of the disorder. What is causing me to fall back into my ED? That answer is easy. I could rattle off a list of things. And I guess I need to address those things...which I am doing. I am working very hard in therapy. But maybe not hard enough.

Each person's journey to recovery and recovering is individual, so it sort of pisses me off when people say, "Well if I can do it, so can you!" Not that anyone has said that to me recently, but when I see that or read that, I just get angry. My journey is my own. I can have influences along the way, but it is my life experiences, and my feelings, and my struggles and achievements that influence me and my life.

Right now the question in my head is...what do I do now? What choice am I going to make? Am I going to hang onto ED, or let it go? I remember a month ago when I decided I really wanted to recover from my eating disorder. But sadly that has slowly broken apart, and I am left in the same place I was before I made that decision. And it just hit me...am I in recovery? Am I truly and fully in recovery? Am I half-assing it? Why can't I just say, "Fuck you ED, I'm going to eat whatever I want to, nourish myself, and better myself and my life."

I do not feel strong when it comes to my eating disorder. I don't feel like I can say those things to it. I feel weak. As crazy as it is, tomorrow may be completely different and I could end up eating regular meals and feeling okay. But the next day, it could all go back to how it is now.

Either way, I feel a war.

confused.

I am having the hardest time writing this post. I am not sure why. Today would be considered a success, but I feel confused and left asking more questions than ever.

My mom came to therapy today. I disclosed the abuse to her, but it wasn't as dramatic and intense as I thought it was going to be. And really, it wasn't disclosing anything at all. I didn't tell her anything she didn't already know. It was actually very calm and peaceful. I never used the word abuse. I did not go into details. I asked my mom the questions I have been wanting to. I learned some things about that time that my mom remembers, but I do not. She knows what happened was not consensual. She knows whatever happened was wrong. And for now, that's all she needs to know.

After my mom came into talk, me and my therapist "de-briefed". I felt so relieved. I was so glad it went so well. I don't remember how it came up, but my therapist said something along the lines of..."there will be a time when you no longer have flashbacks, and this no longer consumes your life" I responded with..."there is such a thing???". She answered, "yes. you may have a memory come up from time to time, but you will be able to deal with it and it won't feel like it does now". I honestly did not think that...there is a life without flashbacks. I am serious. But when I think about it...for 10 years I didn't have flashbacks. For 10 years I suppressed it and did not think about it. But at the same time...I did not remember the bulk of the abuse. So...I was just left confused. Like, I have been talking about my abuse in therapy for over a year...does that mean that the flashbacks should be over by now? Does that mean that I need to move on? My therapist said, " You have remembered so many horrible things, and now you have to have power again, take that power back". I believe I have remembered all I am going to remember about the abuse. And yes, the flashbacks are not as frequent or intense as they were a year ago...but where do I go now? Where do I go from here?

I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. Everything about this feels so complicated. I know I have made considerable progress, but I also know I still have a long way to go. But what does that look like, and how do I do it? I have so many questions.

Do I still need to forgive him?
Do I need to visit the place where it happened to have closure?
Do I still need to get so angry at him that I break things?
How do I forgive myself?
When will I cry about it?
Who should I tell?
How long will all of this take?

Le sigh. I am confused.

wild horses

despite the dark, there is light.

I just got done making Christmas cookies, putting up ornaments on the family Christmas tree...all while listening to Christmas music. This is SO my favorite time of the year. I have a Christmas-y name (Holly). But no, I wasn't born in December, I was born in July. Anyway, I got pretty emotional doing all of these things today. It reminded me a lot of my childhood. I have so many good memories surrounding this time of year, and for some reason it just got me choked up.

But anyway, last night I promised a positive post today. So here it is.

I was talking with my amazing friend Em last night. We were talking about our struggles, how hard things seem to be for us, and how it just sucks so much. I know...pretty negative sounding right? Wrong. I love talking to this girl, no matter how bad or good things are going. I do not feel alone when I am talking to her. I feel so connected. Ever since Em has been in my life, I have grown so much. I feel like I'm a better person. I know she cares about me so much, and I care about her SO much. It sucks she lives so damn far away, otherwise I think we would be inseparable. She has to come visit me, I mean there is no other option. I have to meet this girl and give her the biggest hug in the world. I feel brave when I talk to Em. I feel strong. I don't feel alone. I feel comforted. I feel loved. I love you Em. I know we can get through this journey together. Even though we are miles apart, I feel as though she is right beside me. I told her last night that she is a part of me, a part of my heart. So true. I meant every word of it.

Someone else in my life who means a lot to me is "K". I have written about her before. Thankfully "K" lives in my town, so she is just a car ride away. I love this woman. Seriously, I have never been this close to someone before and I am in awe of how much she cares about me and wants to be there for me and help me and support me. She is constantly encouraging me to be positive. I find that so hard sometimes, but I am trying...I really am. And I think it's working. I feel inspired by her, by her journey. And I wish I could carry her with me every where I go. As with Em, I feel connected to "K". I feel brave and strong and like I can beat ED and heal from my traumas. How am I so lucky to have two such amazing people in my life? How do I deserve this?

Yesterday was a pretty big day for me. I so desperately wanted to let ED take over and not eat a damn thing all day long. But I ate. I ate two meals. I was hungry, and I listened to that hunger. It was a big deal for me. 99% of the time I completely ignore my hunger. The hunger eventually goes away...because I just ignore it, or eat some anorexic type food. But I ate like a semi normal person yesterday. And even though I was filled with anxiety while eating, even though I really did not like it, or enjoy the food, or even taste it...I ate anyway. So, to me this is big. I just need to be consistent with it. And I somehow need do this every single day until it gets easier, and ED fades away. I can do it.

I think....despite everything I have been through, everything I have done to destroy myself...I am still here. Holly is still inside me somewhere. The girl I was before all of this is not gone, even though I have tried so hard to become someone I'm not. There are pieces of me that remain from when I was 10-11. And along the way, I have found new and exciting pieces of me. Despite the dark and depressing part of my life, there is a light that shines. At times it has faded, but never disappeared. I have to hold on to that light, remember it when things get so bad that I just want to end it and give up. I have the power to be who I truly want to be and am meant to be. No one can fix me or change me. It's up to me. Despite the dark, there is light...no matter what.

the picture

So, this is the picture I was talking about in my last post. This was on my last day at Remuda. I love this picture. The picture is sort of blurry, but to me...I can tell I am glowing. My cheeks are red. I am tan from the Arizona sun. I am smiling...a real smile. Inside I was sad to be leaving my girls and the staff, but I felt free. I look at my body...I think I look good. I look healthy. I look secure in my skin. I wish you could see my eyes better, but I know they were glowing too. Maybe it's the way the sun was hitting us when the picture was taken, but I see light radiating off me. I feel warm inside when I see this picture. I feel peace and I feel hope. I am 100% healthy in this picture. I am 100% nourished. It is possible again, to get back there. I was 15 years old in this picture. I was so young, when I think about it. I have grown so much since then, but in so many ways...fallen back so far into my ED. I need to grow again, and stay there.

I have another blog post I want to write. But I will save it for tomorrow. It is a much more positive post, more positive than the ones I have been writing.

Hello ED

I don't really blog about my eating disorder that often because....well sometimes I think it's boring. I hate thinking about it. And I also think sometimes I am in a little bit of denial about it. But, my eating disorder is always on my mind. It is always there...whether it's acting on out behaviors or not...it is always there. I have found that in times of great stress, anxiety, and over all confusion...is when I think about it the most. Totally makes sense right? I mean, it's my crutch. It's my "friend". It's my go-to thing when things are too tough to deal with in a healthy way.

I made a commitment a few weeks ago to truly and really move forward with my eating disorder recovery. And I still am standing by that. But lately I have been discouraged. ED was hiding away for a little while, and now he's back.

Has anyone seen that documentary THIN that HBO did several years back? Do you remember the girl Brittney? Do you remember when she is screaming and crying in group, "I just want to be thin! I want to be skinny! God please make me thin!" I feel like that ALL the time. Every person in the world will tell me I am already thin. But for me...not thin enough. I am small...well, I'm short. I'm 4'11'' and muscular. But to me...I am not thin. So, I was thinking about that a lot today and ED pops up in my brain and says..."Okay, so you want to be thin? Don't eat for 3 days." I said, "Deal". I mean...a little over a year ago I weighed 10 lbs less than I do now. I can get back there again, right? But when I think about it realistically...how did I feel emotionally when I weighed 10 lbs less, how did I feel physically? Well, I felt like shit. I lost my job because of it. But, it's crazy...ED is SO powerful. I REALLY want to lose 10 lbs. I really do. It would make me feel better. I truly believe that....even though I can look back to a year ago and remember how shitty things were.

I really want to not eat. And I really want to purge what I do eat. And I really want to run more than I need to. But here's the clincher...will I? Will I give into ED? Or will I fight and do what I know is right, and take care of myself, my body, and my mind?

Here's the thing. I'm scared of losing ED. Without it...Holly = nothing. Lies or truth?

I remember the day I was discharged from Remuda Ranch. It was May 11, 2004. I felt good about my body. I didn't hear ED. I felt beautiful. I loved the way I looked. I look at pictures from that day and still love the way I look then. I am glowing in those pictures. If only I could get back to that place...that mind-set.

This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written. I am a little nervous about posting it because, I feel selfish and annoying. I'm afraid I am triggering. But it is how I feel. I need to be honest.

I know I need to move forward. Backwards motion is dangerous territory for me and it gets me no where. How do you fight off those really loud and obnoxious ED voices? And how do you know that without ED...you are someone and something?

Power and Healing.

So today, well yesterday actually (it's 2am). I stopped by to see a very dear friend on my way to work. I have grown close to this person over the past few weeks and I am so thankful to have her in my life. So anyway, I stopped by to see her and have one of our talks (which I always love) and of course to get a hug.

I shared some things with her about my past, things I thought I would take to my grave. Now, I never thought that opening up about my traumatic past and sharing it with someone would make me closer to someone. But it has. I thought it would push people away, push me away. But it has done the opposite. Each time I share a part of my story, a piece of my memory, anything I am feeling...I feel connected to the person. I feel better. I feel less alone and less isolated each and every time. I expected many things in my healing process...but never this. Because I have been able to open up about my traumas, I have grown closer to two very special people in my life. (You know who you are). Today, when I was telling one of them about some of what happened to me...I let everything go. I let go of the shame, the fear, the coldness, and the isolation. I let go and embraced my friend's comfort and loving arms. On her office floor, her holding me, me feeling SAFE and LOVED and NOT ALONE...was so healing to me. I cannot find a better way to describe it than healing. It was amazing. She sent me a text later on telling me how proud she was of me and how much closer she felt towards me. That's when I realized...sharing my story, sharing who I am, and letting go of all the ugly and bad feelings...opens me up to new relationships and healing and hope. I am so glad I am experiencing this.

Another friend shared with me yesterday how she told a group of supportive people about what happened to her in her past, and how freeing and healing it was for her. Today I feel I have experienced the same thing. She encouraged me to do the same thing she had done, and I did.
Thanks Em.

There is so much left in my healing process, but today (okay yesterday) I connected a lot of the pieces for the first time. It wasn't scary. It was safe.

My therapist has said to me a couple times, "By not saying his name, by not speaking up about what he did to you...that gives him the power. But when you speak up, when you remember, share your memories, and talk about it...that is you taking the power back. That is you in control of you and your life."

Today I believed that and FELT it...for the first time.

To be expected

The days after an intense therapy session are always rough, and this is to be expected. I know this. I deal with it often. But it still gets to me. The amount of emotions, and how powerful and overwhelming they are hit me like a truck. I feel depressed and super anxious in the days following therapy.

Today has been especially rough. Even though my anxiety was sky high and consuming, I was able to eat 2 meals today ( I even had dessert at dinner!). So I am proud of myself for that...for fighting my eating disorder. Yes, the thoughts and the voices were there, oh boy were they ever. But I fought through it. I nourished my body and my mind. The fact that I can fight them off, eat when ED is telling me not too, keep my food down when ED is telling me to purge...assures me that I can continue to do that, to keep fighting.

Right now, the anxiety is overwhelming. I feel uncomfortable in my body. I feel unsafe in my body. I feel disgusting. I feel...like I need to break out. I feel like I am trapped inside a skin that is not my own. I need to reconnect with my body. Bubble bath time? I think so.

My mom is coming to therapy next week. I neglected to write about that on my last post. Actually I chose not to. I just did not want to get into it, still really don't. But she is coming, and I'm nervous, but also somewhat excited and relieved? I want to be open with her, and honest (something I am not very good at doing with my mom). I also want to hear her side of things. I just need to figure out which way to approach the session...I have a few different options.

Anyway, I am freezing my ass of sitting here writing this. I need to take a bath, put on my fleece pajamas, put in a Christmas movie, and just...be. It's supposed to snow tonight...I hope it does!

I will leave you with this quote I took from an Alanis Morissette song

"And though who I know who I'm not, I still don't know who I am, but I know I won't keep on playing the victim." - Precious Illusions

Overload.

Right now I really have the urge to write. To put my feelings onto this blog, to express myself, to use my words. And I am going to. It might not make sense. I feel such an abundance of feelings in this moment, and I am not quite sure how to sort it all out and compartmentalize it.

Today was hard. Therapy was so intense, so difficult. Strangely, I was not as anxious about it as I usually am. I had a sort of calmness wash over me when I walked into her office and sat on the couch. I talked of things today that have been haunting me for days now. I put the intense flashbacks into words and as hard and exhausting as it was, I felt better and relieved after letting it out. My therapist asked me a question pertaining to my abuse today. My answer to the question was yes. I am not going to put the question on my blog, because it is too private and also too shameful to share. I know I am not alone in it. But to admit it, to acknowledge it...made it more real. But I guess when you acknowledge something for the first time, it always makes it more real. But with this, I want nothing more than to take an eraser and just say..."no this did not happen". I cannot change it though. I cannot erase it. I can only deal with it now and move forward. I was able to talk about a lot today, memories that is. Some things though, I had to say..."I can't" And that was okay with my therapist, and that was okay with me. Sometimes it is too much and I need to protect myself.

It was a very productive session. I did good work, as my therapist told me. And I believe her, I truly do. I felt a sense of relief and...emotional purge. I came home and my mind and body shut down and I knew that I needed to rest. I was drained. So I crawled under the covers of my bed and instead of closing my eyes and falling asleep right away, I closed my eyes and cried. And cried, and cried. I still am not sure why I cried. I just felt like I needed to. I tried to figure out what I was feeling. Mostly sadness, and loneliness. There was some anger in there too, along with exhaustion and just the feeling of...this really happened to me. It's too much to bear sometimes. The tears streamed down my face and my eye makeup stained my pillows, but I did not care. I was letting out emotion that I force myself to bottle up and deny. I needed to get it out.

Even though I cried for at least a half hour and then slept for 3 1/2 hours. I am still exhausted. And I still feel as though I have a heavy chest. I want to cry more. But I am afraid I will not stop.

At the age of 11, I was experiencing the exact opposite of comfort, love, safety, and compassion. Ever since then I have had a craving for physical comfort, of hugs, of being held. I know it all connects back to 10 years ago. Will it go away? I am a 22 year old woman, but I need someone to hold me. I need you to hold me ( I don't know who I am talking to, am I crazy?)

I could write for hours and hours about how I feel. It is SO much. I mean, really...so much.

I vow to stay positive. To remember tomorrow is a new day, and that I can do this. I will remember to breathe. I will allow myself to feel when it is appropriate. I will reach out for help when I need it. I can do this.

My mind is on overload. Time for a break. Bubble bath and hot tea are calling my name.

detached

I feel so detached from life, from what's happening around me. My brain and my body are two separate parts. I have been having the most intense flashbacks the past few days. They have never been like this. I close my eyes and it's just everywhere. I try and do my grounding, to stay in the present, both feet on the floor, hands on my knees...but it doesn't work like it used to. When it does work, it feels like it takes forever for me to get back to a safe and grounded place. My body has violent trembles and spasms. And then I just start sobbing, but no tears come out. I feel empty inside, an incredible void. I feel alone and unloved. I hurt my body because, well it feels better than what I feel inside.

I am on Day 2 of no cutting and I intend to keep it that way. My therapist told me I have the power to direct my thoughts. I know I do. But what do you do with that anxiety, panic filled, heart racing, I feel like I'm going to die feeling? It comes out of nowhere and hits me like a truck. And the the tapes start playing in my head, and it's like...someone please just put me out of my misery.

I am miserable at one of my jobs, absolutely miserable. I am miserable enough to start applying for other jobs. I hate the gossip there, they way I am treated, the things it reminds me of, the food, the stress, the exhaustion that sets in the moment I walk through the doors. I am done. Today I start applying for new jobs.

I woke up this morning and I did not feel like a 22 year old woman. I felt like an 11 year old little girl. I sat up in my bed and could not move. I could not get my brain to tell my body to get out of bed, shower, and get dressed for work. Somehow I did it. But now I am off to 1 of 2 jobs I have to work today. And how to get through this day? I do not know. I guess to just keep breathing. Deep breaths. That's all I can do. Stay positive, live in the moment, and move forward. I will be okay. I will survive.

I hate this "emergency state" I am in. I want to come back down to earth now.

Day 1, start over again

Day 1 w/o self harm. Starting over again. I am not going to dwell on it, not going to feel guilty about it, because what good does that do? I'm just going to move forward at this point.

I had coffee with a really great friend this morning. When I told her about it she said something along the lines of, "The next time you want to do that, to harm yourself, remember what you feel like now, remember how bad you feel about it now, and that will motivate you to not do it again." I must say, that is very good advice and something I have never really thought about before. I acted out last night in a moment of desperation and complete misery and dissociation. But there really is no excuse. The second I had stopped doing it, I was filled with guilt and regret. And I do not want to feel that way again.

So today is Day 1. I am starting over. I can only move forward, I have no choice but to do that.

Frustration

Thanksgiving and my 4 days off from work were really good. Not going into the boring details, that's all you need to know.

I am flooded with frustration though. My laptop, which is a piece of shit, is about to die. This is probably the 445774 time it's almost died. This time might be it, and as horrible as it sounds, I don't know what I would do without a computer. I use it to write, to find comfort, to listen to music, to talk to people, to email, to communicate. And my blogs mean the world to me. They keep me going. My dad is upstairs working on it right now. I am praying to whatever God there is that he can at least get it semi functioning again. I want to scream, because I am so frustrated.

I guess the laptop crisis is one of several things making my frustration come to a boiling point right now. I am ready to fight my eating disorder. Wait, correction...I am fighting my eating disorder. But the thoughts are so powerful and so loud. I had a crisis in the grocery store today. I did not know what to buy. I thought about a meal plan my dietitian made for me years ago and the foods that she suggested I eat. But I couldn't bring myself to buy them. My ED was telling me..."you will get fat, you will gain weight, you will be normal" And then there were things I wanted to buy like...for example, dark chocolate. I love dark chocolate, and it's supposedly good for you. But my ED was saying, "yes you WANT this, but you don't NEED it. Therefore you CAN'T have it." So of course I didn't buy it. I feel like crying right now, and I did in the grocery store too because it is so frustrating. I am as willing and motivated as ever to beat this ED, but it's harder than ever. But I've always heard that...that recovery is harder than the actual act of being in an eating disorder. It sure feels that way. I wanted to walk through the grocery store today and buy foods that I wanted to eat and not feel guilty about it. I want to be able to eat whatever I want. But my ED tells me I'm not allowed to. And right now, after two Thanksgiving feasts this weekend, I feel like I have to starve myself to "cleanse" myself from all the food I have consumed.

My cycle of restrictive eating all day long, and bingeing at night (although I'm not sure it's considered a binge) has been my daily ritual for years now. And I've never really seen it as that abnormal until recently. I've had co-workers point out my strange eating habits and rituals and it's really embarrassing. Normal eating is possible right? I mean, at one point in my life I ate like everyone else...so I have to be able to do it again, right?

I am so fed up with a friend of mine, although I don't think she's my friend anymore. I know I need to accept that either she doesn't want me in her life anymore, or something is going on with her that she feels like she can't talk to me...but it's burning me up inside. And I miss her. I'm angry, and I hate that I'm angry because it's not okay for me to angry about something that I don't know everything about. But I miss my friend, who I called my best friend in the world for many years. And I cannot understand why she flat out stopped talking to me. It blows my mind and I cannot wrap my head around it.

I am continuing to deal with the abuse in therapy, and have recently decided to disclose the abuse to my mom. This was at the suggestion of my therapist. I am concerned about it and a little hesitant, but I listened to what my therapist had to say about it and decided I should do it. I will most likely bring my mom into a therapy session in a few weeks. I have to talk all of this over with my therapist first.

I am also overwhelmed and frustrated with dealing with the abuse. New memories have surfaced lately, nothing of significance I don't think. But just thinks that are creepy to me and make me feel sick inside. I hate feeling so detached from all of it, feeling like I was not there. I don't feel like I'm moving forward at this point in time. I feel like my emotions surrounding it are numbed. I am pushing away anything that comes up and I hate it. I hate it so much.

Well, I thought this would make me feel better..writing all of this. But now I feel just as frustrated as ever and want to cry. My dad has gone out to get dinner and I am going to eat the stupid food like I need to and just ignore ED.

I need a hug, or something.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What I am thankful for:

- My family

-New friends (Karen, Mike, Emily, Alison, Landin, James, Marina, Ania)

- My dogs, Sophie and Lucy

- Having two jobs

-My incredibly amazing therapist

- Laughter

- Having hope again

- 2010 being a pretty fucking awesome year

- Having hope that 2011 will be 10 times better

- Being over 3 months purge free

- My body, for not giving up on me

- Spending this Thanksgiving with my favorite cousins

- All of those who have shaped my life and who I am in some way, whether in a negative or positive way

- My car (even though it needs to be fixed every couple of months)

- And just the power of love, of humor in rough situations, and having someone to reach out to when I need them, and being there for someone when they need me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

sick of it

*warning* this post may be very angry, over dramatic, triggering*

I am SO sick of my eating disorder. Like really fucking sick of it. Just sick of eating disorders in general. I hate them. I hate what it does to people, what it does to me. I am sick of constantly wanting to lose weight, to look emaciated, to have people comment that I have lost weight (when in reality, my weight is normal and healthy). I'm sick of wanting to restrict my caloric intake, of wanting to make myself look thinner anyway possible. Trying to wear clothes that make me look skinnier, holding my arm at a certain angle to make it look bonier or more muscular, trying to stick out my collarbones when people are talking to me. I'm sick of my hunger balance being completely off. Sick of wanting nothing to do with food, with being nauseous at the thought of food, but sometimes...food being every thing I can think about. Sick of having fantasies of being in a hospital bed with a feeding tube in my nose and an IV in my arm. I am REALLY sick of being jealous of anorexics, of how skinny they are, how their bones stick out. Why do I want to look like them so badly? It's so frustrating and destructive. I'm sick of wondering if the other eating disordered girls my therapist sees are skinnier than I am, sicker than I am, needing more attention than I am. And if they are? I want to be just like them. I'm sick of WANTING to be sick.

At the same time, I want to be healthy. I want to love my body. I want to eat 3 meals a day. I want to not obsess over my outfits and my make-up and my hair, and the way my nail polish looks. I want to breathe in healthiness and life and success. I want to be good at being good. And not good at being sick and unhealthy. I want to embrace my thighs (which I hate about myself). In reality I have very muscular thighs, but to me they are huge, so huge. I want to embrace my fat face, my imperfect teeth, my nose, all those things about myself I don't like and worry about and obsess over. I want them to be in the past and behind me. I want to focus more on the fact that I LOVE my eyes, I love the color of my hair, I love my small feet, I love my arm muscles.
I want to love me for me.

I want this eating disorder sickness and obsession to be DONE. It's been 7 years...I'm over it. But yet...it still consumes my life, and my daily activities. I am in no means as sick as I have been in the past, but things have been better than they are now. And I know things can be great. So why I am still holding myself back?

I'm so sick of being sick.

Alone

I feel so alone, I can't take it. This grief, this sadness, this emptiness inside of me hurts. I am fighting, I really am. I am eating more, but sometimes the anxiety is so much that I just can't. I know I have to fight through it anyway, but it's so difficult. The anxiety is crippling me.

And my emotions, they are everywhere. I am trying not to hold them back. I am trying to allow myself to feel and to cry and to hurt. And not numb and not use my eating disorder and cutting.

Therapy has gotten tough, but in a good way. I'm talking through trauma memories. I am acknowledging what was done to me...as hard as it is. Does anyone else struggle with this? Accepting that you were in fact sexually abused? That now you have to deal with PTSD and all that other crap? I sometimes have to pinch myself. I sometimes cannot believe it is me. 10 years ago is a long time. But it's affecting me today, in ways that it didn't affect me then. Back then, I went numb, I blocked it out. I denied. I forgot. Today...I am talking about it, remembering it, putting the pieces together. It's hard as hell. And it's a very lonely process.

I'm trying to do my deep breathing. It does help. I wish I had more hugs, more warmth in my body. I feel cold and untouchable.

And...I miss my best friend. But does she miss me? I do not know.

I'm all over the place right now.

Jason Mraz - Who I Am Today (Boston, MA 9/12/2010)

Relaxed

I feel relaxed tonight for the first time in so long. The day started out pretty stressful. I had therapy. We went through a chapter, or part of a chapter, in The Courage to Heal workbook. It was really tough, really embarrassing, and really overwhelming. I mean, it was very helpful, but it was hard. My anxiety, which has been through the roof lately, reached an all time high today. I felt my heart racing, my chest pounding, my brain was going a million miles an hour. I mean, it was ridiculous and on top of sleep deprivation, I felt like I was headed for a breakdown.

But then, I had a massage today. Now, this wasn't any ordinary massage. My new friend, whom I met last Friday at the RR event, is a massage therapist, and works with women with eating disorders. I have to admit I was nervous going into the massage. I wasn't sure if the touch (even though completely safe and trusting) was going to bring up memories. But it didn't. It was the most relaxing and...I can't even find the words for it, but it was an amazing experience. Throughout the massage I felt the stored up tension and emotions leaving my body. After K left the room, I started crying. And it wasn't bad crying. It was good crying. In my head I was saying, "Oh my gosh I feel so relaxed, I feel so free, I feel so pure. I don't feel stressed out like a crazy person and on edge and about to break." I felt emotional and physical release. And it was just what I needed. I sat with K and talked for a little while after wards. I have found a really awesome friend (who also taught me how to take deep breaths). Who knew taking deep breaths would be so hard? It is for me, but maybe not anymore.

I had a good cry on the way home, and it was needed, and it felt good. I went to lay down on my couch with a bottle of water in hand and I literally couldn't move. My body and soul felt relaxation!

Now I am in a completely relaxed state. Maybe this won't last forever, maybe I will wake up tomorrow and feel like an anxiety mess all over again. But this moment, these several hours of relaxation and peace have been JUST what I needed.

Lab results

I am Anemic and have a Vitamin D Deficiency. I need to take daily supplements of Iron and Vitamin D.

Is this my eating disorder catching up with me?

baby's black balloon makes her fly

It's 12:30am, and for the third night in a row I am having the hardest time falling asleep. My body and my mind are so tired, but at the same time, my brain is running a thousand miles an hour. And my breathing exercises, my distractions, are not working. I have my iPod in right now, listening to Goo Goo Dolls "Black Balloon". It's definitely a song of memories, the first time I heard it was my last stint at a psychiatric hospital back in 2005. Anyway, I decided to get out of my bed and come downstairs and write a blog. I feel like maybe typing out what is going through my head will put my mind at a little bit of rest.

It's been an intense, overwhelming past few days. Ever since my big breakthrough at the RR event on Friday night, my emotions have been...all over the place. I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel scared, I feel frustrated, I feel alone, I feel excited, I feel hopeful, I feel renewal, I feel loss, I feel...I feel. It's just everything you can think of. I have a tape of memories playing on repeat in my head. Memories of my whole life. Memories of growing up, of gymnastics, of the abuse, of the eating disorder, of my hospital stays, of Remuda, of school, of everything in the past 22 years I can think of. It's overwhelming, to say the least.

I'm not very good at dealing with so many emotions at one time. I tend to do self destructive things such as, not eating, purging, cutting, self medicating, etc. I made a committment to myself on Friday night to fight my eating disorder, and I am standing by that. My eating has improved since then. Even though I have urges to binge and purge, urges to skip a certain meal, or eat as few calories as possible...I am abstaining from those destructive urges. The urges to cut are so, so intense. But, as with the eating disorder behaviors, I have abstained from that as well. It is so very difficult, but I think so worth it. I keep thinking to myself how shitty I will feel if I decided to resort to destructive behaviors. So, I guess I am doing a good job of dealing with so many intense emotions. Although, I feel like a mess. The tears just want to keep coming. And honestly, crying is what I do when I'm not using my eating disorder or cutting. And I've learned over the past year that I need to feel my emotions, and not numb them. And that is exactly what I have been doing lately...letting myself feel. It's hard as hell, let me tell you. It's exhausting and I feel crazy almost.

I don't know how to describe what is going through my head when the tears start to come. It can be a song I hear, something I remember, a kind word or smile from a stranger or someone I know, the way the leaves are changing colors, anything really. I just feel...emotion. And I'm not numbing it. I don't know which is harder? Numbing yourself from everything, or letting yourself feel it?

Today I was numb, due to my poor decision of taking double the dose of my sleeping meds. I was basically high all day long. I'm not going to lie. I sort of enjoyed it...not feeling the tears sting my eyes, not having a tape play in my head. I was very disconnected and just going through the motions. "You're a mess", my friend said to me. Maybe jokingly he said it. Whether he was joking or not, he's right. I am a mess.

Yes, Friday night I made a very important committment and decision in my life. But I am not taking that back at all or saying I don't feel that way anymore. What I'm saying is...it has opened a door of memories and emotions. Which...I don't think is such a horrible thing, it just feels like SO much.

I want sleep to come easily. I want to give my body the rest it deserves. But how can you do such a thing when your brain doesn't want to rest? I need to constantly remind myself to take each day as it comes, and not worry and worry about tomorrow, and the next day, the next week...which is what I do all the time. Today is today. I need to deal with that now, and that is all. Period.

Deep breath in, and deep breath out. Close my eyes, and feel the peace and tension relief wash over me. I am going to do this.

My hope is restored

I went to the Remuda Ranch sponsored screening of the documentary "America the Beautiful" tonight. I loved the film. I thought it was very informative and factual. Darryl Roberts did a great job with it, and it was an honor to hear him speak about it. I am very excited about his new film coming out in March or April.

After the movie was over, Darryl Roberts spoke a little bit about how he made the film and what it was like for him. He explained how he teamed up with Remuda Ranch to show his film around the country. Next, there was a feature that Remuda Ranch had put together about a woman who had been to Remuda Ranch and is now completely recovered. I sat watching this, having flashbacks of my experience at Remuda, and found myself beginning to cry. Tears my rolled down my cheeks as I thought about how hopeless I felt at my admission date, and how my hope that I can recover from my eating disorder has diminished over the past 7 years. I thought to myself, "Why is it taking me so long? Why have I not been freed from this yet?" And then, as the tears started coming faster and faster, I realized..."I can do this!" I thought back to my discharge date from Remuda, how much hope I had in me at that time, all the tools and skills and lessons from my 4 1/2 months there. I realized tonight, I CAN DO THIS. I AM GOING TO DO THIS. I will beat my eating disorder and I will be free from it. I have to do this. I have to fight.

Afterwards, I went up to one of the Remuda Ranch staff members that was there tonight. I told her how I was coming up on my 7 year anniversary, and even though I have never forgotten my experiences at Remuda, the girls I was there with, the staff that helped me, the tools that I learned and the lessons I took I away from it...I had lost my hope, and my will to fight. I told her..."I'm struggling with figuring out if this is as good as it's going to get. Before tonight, I thought I was hopeless when it came to recovery. " She said, "No. You will get better. You have to keep fighting, you can do this!" She was in tears, I was in tears. I told her, "I have never forgotten Remuda, and everything you did for me, tonight you restored my hope. Thank you"

My hope has been restored. I felt energy within myself for the first time tonight in...such a long time. I feel energy to fight. I cannot tell you how long it has been since I have felt that way. Too long.

It is so ironic that this happened tonight because...I was having one my worst eating disordered days today in a long time. The struggles I had today, are heavily outweighed by what I feel right now...which is hope and energy and faith.

I just sent an email to Remuda Ranch...here is what I said...

I went to the Remuda Ranch sponsored screening of America the Beautiful tonight. I was admitted to Remuda Ranch almost 7 years ago, and since then I have continued to have struggles with my disorder. I left Remuda Ranch with so many skills and lessons and have continued to carry them with me. But continued to be burdened by my disorder. But after tonight I can say that I have found hope again, hope for beating my eating disorder. I lost hope a long time ago, but it was the film, being in the presence of Remuda Ranch staff and alumni, that I found the strength inside of me, the hope that I can beat this. Thank you Remuda Ranch. You saved my life 7 years ago, and tonight, you once again helped restore my hope - Holly

Ick.

You ever get that feeling where you just want to rip your hair out and tear off your skin? I do. A lot actually, especially lately. I have concluded it's just my anxiety manifesting itself into...this.

Yuck.

I have a lot on my mind, not so much into blogging it though.

Edit:
I will blog tomorrow. It is a goal.

Lab work and other things...

I saw my psychiatrist today. He ordered some lab work for me to get done. He thinks I might have a Vitamin D deficiency, along with Anemia. I don't have time to get the labs done until Thursday. If he is right, this would explain all the fatigue, hair loss, bruising, etc.

I had a good appointment with my psychiatrist today. I talked to him a little bit about how I have lost my best friend. How sad it makes me, how angry it makes me, how I am so confused by it all. But I realized that....life changes, people change, you can't stop it. It's just a part of life. So, I have to just be accepting of it, realizing we have moved apart and that I didn't necessarily do anything wrong (that I know of). It's kind of hard and hurtful when someone you have known for 7 years flat out stops communicating with you. I guess I should look at it as a sign that she no longer wants to talk to me or be in my life. Okay then. I guess I don't want someone like that in my life either. Not to be mean or anything, but would you want someone in your life, who didn't want you to be in theirs? At the same time, if she decides she wants me in her life again....I am here. Always.

I guess it's a blessing in a strange sort of way. At the time she left my life, a new person came into my life. And he has been a great friend. So, like the saying goes...when one door closes, another one opens.

I am going to a Remuda Ranch sponsored event here in Richmond on Friday. They are showing the documentary "America the Beautiful". I am pretty excited to see it. It will be cool to go to an event where Remuda Ranch reps will be. My 7 year anniversary of being admitted to Remuda Ranch will be this December. So, I think it is kind of cool to see how far I have come since then.

Songs I've added to my playlist recently:

"Keep the Streets Empty for Me" - Fever Ray
"Mean" - Taylor Swift
"Talula" - Tori Amos
"Haunted" - Taylor Swift
"Lost in the World" - Kanye West

Aspects of Healing

Aspects of Healing. That is the name of the chapter I am currently working on in The Courage to Heal workbook. And I have to say it's the hardest one yet. It asks you questions like..."what were your hopes as a child, and growing up? How were those hopes taken away from you?" It asks you in which ways have you been courageous, and what courageous means to you. There is a writing exercise where you are supposed to write for 20 minutes about how your hopes and dreams as a childhood were affected.

Obviously being abused affected my hopes and dreams. But in the midst of the abuse, I also was dealt the loss of gymnastics. I distinctly remember that entire process. Starting with the day my Mom took me to the sports medicine doctor to get X-rays of my feet, being told I had an injury that would not heal unless I quit the sport altogether, doing physical therapy, ice baths, and STEM treatments every single day, wearing a brace when I wasn't doing gymnastics. I remember it all so well. I remember my last day at gymnastics. How did I feel? I felt nothing. And I continued to feel numb for a whole year.

I guess I am realizing how traumatizing the second half of my 5th grade year was. Being abused, blocking it out because it was so terrible, realizing I was no longer going to be able to do gymnastics, finding out my parents wanted me to switch schools. At the time...I felt absolutely nothing. Today, I feel a very profound grief and sadness.

I wonder why I was so easily able to remember the loss of gymnastics, but blocked out SO much of the abuse. They both happened at the same time, I guess my brain just picked one of them to deal with, and figured I didn't have the energy to deal with the other one.

I am finding it really hard to finish this chapter in my workbook. It makes me so sad and just remembering what I went through, all the shit I went through, at that time...it feels too much.

Emotional Release

I feel such a strong emotional release right now. I had therapy this morning, which went well. I unfortunately am not able to cry in therapy, well not yet at least. So I left therapy feeling good, but at the same time, I held back so many emotions, that it came spilling out just about an hour ago.

The past few days have been pretty intense. I feel a lot of guilt, I feel a lot of...frustration at myself, and also...well just a big bundle of emotions. About an hour ago it was about to surface, and I couldn't think of anything positive to do...except go running. Well guess what? It's freezing outside today and pouring rain. But I went running anyway. And it was actually kind of fun. I ran, and ran, and ran. My clothes are drenched right now. Every time my foot hit the pavement...I imagined a negative emotion or thought hitting the pavement as well. And it worked. I released a lot of aggression, frustration, anxiety and anger. And now I'm sitting on my couch writing this and tears are pouring out of my eyes. Tears of sadness, of confusion, of loneliness, of helplessness, of fear, of everything you can think of. My chest feels heavy. I feel I am carrying such a load.

I think the reason this is all coming out today is because it's my first day off both my jobs in a while. So I have time to think, time to breathe, time to feel. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I actually think it's good because...I know it needed to come out. The tears have stopped now and I'm tired. But I feel better. Emotional release is good.

I still am unsure of how this situation at work is going to turn out. I hope it's positive. I want it to be. And I am going to make sure I do everything that I can do for it to be that way. But if the other person does not want it...then that's okay. At least I know I did what I could.

I am back to therapy every week now, instead of every other week. I don't think it's permanent. I just need it right now to...work intensely on some abuse issues. I have not made up my mind about trying EMDR. But my gut is telling me I should give it a shot.

The self-care has improved a lot. I am eating better, drinking more water, sleeping better, etc. I need to keep this up I want to work on the abuse issues. I can't be dehydrated and exhausted while working through memories.

Today has been a good day, despite the crying, which actually...was good too. I needed to cry. I had a productive therapy session, I had lunch with some great friends, I ran some errands for my Mom, saw my dogs, and bought myself a present. In The Courage to Heal workbook, it says sometimes you need to celebrate something positive you have done. I have worked really hard in therapy and with myself the past week, and today I rewarded myself. I bought some yummy smelling Coconut body butter. I can't wait to use it!

It's almost 4pm and I am about to do a load of laundry, do some cleaning, and then head over to my parent's house for dinner.

I work both jobs tomorrow, but then I am off again all day Saturday. Some family is coming to visit from out of town, so that should be fun.

Tomorrow I am also going to be talking to someone, about something (not wanting to go into specifics on here) But I'm just going to say I am going to keep a level-head, stay calm, but at the same time...speak my mind and my heart and hopefully resolve some issues and feel better in the aftermath.

Okay...so that's my epic blog for today.
Hope everyone is doing well! Thanks for all your support!

Forgiveness

I think I need to forgive. Yes hurtful things were said to me, and in the moment I was seriously scared for my physical safety. But not anymore. I need to forgive. I need to work this out. It's eating me up inside. I don't want to lose this good person in my life. I am thankful for one of my managers at work for helping me realize this.

I have the whole day off work tomorrow. I also have therapy tomorrow. This comes at a good time.

I think after therapy in the morning I am going to have lunch at one of my jobs because my friend is working the bar, then I will go for a run (much needed), run some errands, and of course go see my dogs and take them on a walk.

There's nothing like forgiveness, good friends, a great therapist, exercise, and puppy kisses...it makes everything better.

:)

I don't understand.

I don't understand how someone who I felt so safe around and trusted so much, could turn into a person I am afraid of.

I should not have opened myself up. I should not have trusted. I should not have done the things I did. I have to apologize to myself, because I trusted too much.

My walls are back up.

Notice

I'm making my blog private. I'm sick of putting my emotions out there and getting hurt and trampled on. It was my mistake. I need to protect myself and my emotions. If you want to keep following my blog. Leave your email as a comment.

Thanks y'all.

woah

Well, that was productive. I'm not sure if that is sarcasm or not?

I just sobbed for an hour on my couch, with my head buried in a pillow. My abs are sore from crying so hard. I can't say I'm surprised. The emotional build-up and exhaustion I have been feeling was bound to come out somehow. I'm glad I let it out in a healthy way. I can't pinpoint exactly what triggered this epic sob fest, only that it came from within the depths of my soul, and it needed to be purged (through crying that is).

I feel like I just ran a marathon or something. I don't think my flashbacks, body memories, etc have ever felt more real than they do right now. And I think that's a big part of it. I've always known it was real, but have mostly felt disconnected from it. Like, it wasn't me that was there, it must have been someone else. But I felt it within myself tonight. I felt it was me. And it hurt.

Wow...breathe.

A year ago

Okay, so I wanted to write this huge long blog about what happened a year ago, on October 30, but...I decided to not do it. The more I think about 1 year ago, the worse I feel. I think it's more important, and better for me, to think about where I am NOW, and how I can continue to move forward in life. Yes, last year was horrible and a lot of bad shit happened in one day, but it is in the past. Moving forward...Thanks, bye.

Also, I have decided to take the advice of the two people that commented on my post about my goals. I didn't really think I needed to narrow it down until it was pointed out to me. I think I am going to focus on taking care of myself (eating more, drinking more water, sleeping better, altering my work schedule). Is that better?

Breathe and reboot.

For The Bible Tells Me So

So, this documentary came out a couple years ago. I have never watched it beginning to end, but I am going to try and find it so I can watch it. I don't talk much about my belief in God, the bible, or whatever on here, because honestly...I am not sure what I believe. After going to Remuda Ranch, which was a Christian based treatment facility, I was kind of a jesus-freak, but I never understood what it was I was reading or praying about. I lost a lot of faith about a year ago. I don't think I believed there wasn't a God or Higher Power, but the thought in my head was..."if there is such a thing, then why do so many horrible things happen?" When I came out to my parents, my mom was heartbroken because she thought I would never have the fairytale wedding, marriage, or family that she wanted for me. I also believed I would never have that.

I just find this whole issue with gays/lesbians in the church to be stupid. People are people, they should be loved respected, and given the same rights regardless of who they love or want to be with.

I had kind of given up on God, on praying, on church a long time ago. I blamed God (or whoever) for all the bad things that happened to me. Because, if he is such a loving God, why would he allow someone to hurt me in such a violent way? But honestly...for the past...I don't know...month or so...I have found myself maybe wanting to believe in God again.

I'm confused about my beliefs. Obviously.

Self-Care

I have been lacking in the self-care department lately, which is probably what triggered this depression and anxiety I am dealing with (among other things). So I had therapy today and we made a goal, more like a plan actually, to take better care of myself. We didn't make a list or anything like that, but I decided to make my own...so I can see exactly what I need to do to start feeling better. My therapist mentioned to me that I looked different than I did two weeks ago. A little thinner, my face was sort of hollow, and there was no life in my eyes. I don't want to look like that. I want to have life in my eyes.

But anyway, here is my list of goals for better self care.

1. Eat at least twice a day. Make sure to actually taste my food instead of just shoving it in.

2. Alter my schedule so that I have at least 1 day off of both jobs. I need to have one day to myself, to recuperate and rest.

3. Not work on my workbook so much. Only do it every few days or so, and if it gets too overwhelming or stressful, put it to the side. Share parts of it in therapy if needed.

4. Sign up for a dance class. I'm pretty excited about this one!

5. Reach out for help when I need it. I have been lacking on this, depriving myself of help. I have needed some extra support the last few days, but have neglected to reach out.

6. Write down my dreams/nightmares

7. No more self-harm. I had a relapse with cutting last night. Instead of self-harm, use positive and healthy coping skills to release my pent up energy and emotion.

8. Allow myself to cry. Emotional release is good.

And...I think that's it. I might think of some more later, but that's it for now.

I am going to go have some yogurt and granola. I am going to actually taste it and enjoy it, and remember I am nourishing myself.

Lullaby

Lullaby by Sia


Send a wish upon a star
Do the work and you'll go far
Send a wish upon a star
Make a map and there you are

Send a hope upon a wave
A dying wish before the grave
Send a hope upon a wave
For all this souls you failed to save

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don't break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don't break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

Send a question in the wind
It's hard to know where to begin
So send the question in the wind
And give an answer to a friend

Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don't break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don't break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

I don't know.

I don't know what to write on my blog anymore.

I feel like it's never good enough for people. It's never good enough for me.

I am angry.

Blah.

dead

I feel dead inside. I have no energy, no drive, no excitement. I am just existing. Waking up, going to work, coming home, going to bed, waking up, going to work...it's the same thing every day. I have no life. Work has become my life. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I do not know how I am doing what I am doing. It must be the fact that I have to make money, I have to provide for myself. Without two jobs, I could not be doing that. I have come so close in the past couple of days to putting in my two weeks at one of my jobs. I get to that job, and it's like I get diseased. My head hurts, my body aches, and it's as soon as I walk in the doors of that job. It's such a depressing and exhausting feeling.

I have wondered why my energy has been so low, why I am tired 100% of the time. I sleep fine. Sometimes I sleep too much. But I have no problem falling asleep. I talked to my Mom about this and she thinks it could be depression. I didn't really think about that. I didn't think I was depressed. I just thought I was tired. But I think she's right. I am depressed. I mean...I don't really enjoy my jobs. It's not what I want to be doing with my life. I don't have any friends, really. I am working through some really hard shit in therapy, that while it's good for me and what I need, it's hard. I'm alone. I have many reasons to be depressed, and I think that's what I am...depressed.

My anxiety has been super high the past several days, to the point where I've had a few panic attacks. I think I am sort of freaking out about life right now. And with the mixture of being exhausted and having no fun or excitement in my life...I am breakable. I am breaking.

Next Saturday is an important anniversary for me, something I will blog about when the time comes, and I've been focusing on that way too much I think. I admitted something to my therapist about my past. Something I've never really talked about before, so I'm kind of freaking out about that too.

I think what I need to do is just...live day to day. I am getting way too ahead of myself and making myself anxious over things that...I don't need to worry about until they come.

But I need to do something about this depression, lack of energy, lack of life. I need to really commit myself to study for my MA exam, signing up for it, and looking into applying for a real job.

I need to get back on track. I've lost ground.

Courage

I bought this today. It was...kind of embarrassing to buy it. But whatever. I felt the fear and did it anyway. My therapist recommended it to me a year ago. But I never had the guts to buy it until today. I'm thinking it will be helpful. I know some people who have done it and said it's helped. So, I have hope it will help me too.

I also have decided to go ahead and give EMDR a try. Obviously I still want to hear more about it from my therapist. But I have heard good things about it, and I will never know if it helps or not until I try, right?

I feel like I'm in this phase (finally) where I am ready to deal head-on with my abuse. For the past month and a half I have been doing some really hard work and I really feel I am ready. Maybe I have been ready for a while now, but I think I am just now realizing it. It's exhausting.

My therapist said to me last week that rape and sexual abuse is not about sex, that it's about power. I never thought about that before, but it makes total sense. He had 100% power over me. I was a child. I could not consent because I was not old enough to understand. I need to keep reminding myself of that. It was not my fault, it was not my fault. Maybe I don't believe that all the way yet, but I know I will one day. Right?

I am amazed at myself, quite honestly. When I look back to a year ago, where I was (in all aspects of my life, really) but especially pertaining to healing from my abuse...I have come so far. I really have. It is so hard so much of the time. But someone once told me it will be worth it. I believe that now.

Okay...breathe.

favorite routines so far

This week is the 2010 World Gymnastics Championships in Rotterdam, Holland. Of course, I am obsessed and following every quick-hit, video, forum, Twitter updates, etc. I left the sport of gymnastics 10 years ago, but it never seemed to leave me. Funny how that works, isn't it?
I am of course rooting for Team USA. So, most of these videos are of that team. But there is so much talent out there, so here are some of my favorite routines so far. Qualifcations was on Sunday. Team USA currently sits behind China and Russia. Team finals are tomorrow, followed by All Around and Event finals.



She is currently in first for beam. She has so much artistry. Love her.




My girl A-Sac doing her thang.



Bross is boss on beam.



Girl can tumble.



Very original routine



Current world champ in the all around. Not defending her title this year due to injury. But she did make bar finals. This is why.

Choking

I had a dream (well, nightmare) a couple nights ago that I was being choked by someone. It woke me up. So what do I do? I look up online what this means...here is what it said:

To dream that someone is choking you, indicates that you are suppressing your emotions. You have difficulties in expressing your fears, anger, or love. Consider the phrase "being all choked up". Alternatively, you may feel that you are being prevented or restricted from freely expressing yourself.

"Take Me Out" by Atomic Tom LIVE on NYC subway

Happy Heart

My heart is so happy tonight. The day did not start off like this though. I woke up this morning very grumpy and quite honestly depressed. I was exhausted beyond words and didn't know how I was going to make it through a double shift at one of my jobs. I felt like crying. In fact I did cry. But throughout the day I tried to ignore the exhaustion that had set in my bones and every cell of my body, and think positively. I said things to myself such as, "I am going to make good money today. I am going to get to spend a couple hours with my Mom today. I get to work with some of my favorite people today". And so I started feeling more energetic, more positive.

At my second shift at work tonight, we were getting slammed. And I mean slammed. We had a two page wait list for two hours. It was crazy and somewhat stressful, but totally do-able and manageable. In this middle of this craziness, I looked at the door, where a line of about 10 people stood, and saw Jessica. Jessica is my old therapist. I stopped seeing her a year ago and started seeing a new one. I saw Jessica for therapy for 5 years. She saw me through a lot, got me through a lot, and basically watched me grow up in a lot of ways. I patted her on the shoulder and she turned around and we both grinned at each other (probably the cheesiest grins you ever have seen). I barely saw her face. Instead I threw my arms around her and squeezed her so tight (she did the same back). She hugged me so tight she practically picked me off the ground. I cannot describe how happy I was in that moment. How glad I was to see her. How much joy filled my heart. She told me how great I looked. I didn't really get a chance to talk to her because we were so busy. But she asked how my jobs were going and I told her that I don't have a day off and said something about how much I knew she liked the idea of that!

My relationship with Jessica, which was complicated and at times unhealthy, never stopped me from realizing how much she helped me over the years. It has been nearly a year since I stopped seeing her, and what makes me so happy, what make my eyes fill with tears of joy, is knowing how far I have come. Not just in this past year, but in 5 years. Things are not perfect, and I would not say I am "happy". I mean, I do feel happiness. But I am in a such different and good place in my life than I have ever been. And I know I could not have gotten to this place without the help of my current therapist, my family, and a few friends. But I definitely could not have gotten to this place without Me, Myself and I. I am proud of myself. Yes, I have so much more work to get done, so much further to go. But to compare myself a year ago, heck..even 6 months ago. I have changed, I have grown. And I cannot help but feel I owe so much of my current happiness and growth to Jessica. When I saw her tonight, and still now, all the negativity and yuckiness in my life flooded out of me. I feel so good right now. It's crazy!

So, my heart is happy tonight. I am so exhausted, ready for a good night's sleep. But I feel positive. I feel hopeful.

Nauseated.

I had therapy today. It was pretty hard. We talked mostly about the abuse, well actually...that was all we talked about. We talked specifically about the newest memory I have. It was hard, talking through it. Telling her what I remember from beginning to end. How I felt during it, emotionally and physically, how I felt afterwards. It was difficult to get the words out at times. At the end I wanted to throw up. I still feel nauseous. I know it's good work I'm doing, my therapist re-affirmed this. I have to go to work at 3, and I need to snap out of it before then, so I won't be completely dissociating at work.

My therapist also brought up the idea of EMDR again. She thinks it could really help me. I guess I could give it a try. I really want to know more about it though. There is a book at the library about it that I could check out. Or just research online. I guess I want to understand exactly how it will help me more than talk therapy helps.

http://www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm

Things with my eating are...fine. No purging. My weight is fine (fat). I mean, okay...realistically I am still restricting. I am still eating disordered. But I am doing better, I think. Or am I in denial? I don't know. Maybe I need to accept that my eating now...is as good as it's going to get.

I need to slow my thinking down right now. It's way too fast, way too obsessive, and way too...all over the place.

11 Goals

I've been losing grip lately. Details are not important. But I need to make some goals.


1. Erase the following sayings from my head: "I can't. I'm scared. It's hard. How? But what if?"

2. Keep going for daily runs.

3. Reconnect with a particular friend, even if I have my doubts.

4. Continue to wean myself off the Trazodone. 13 years is too long to be on a medication.

5. Don't overdose on other medications and do stupid shit.

6. Go to bed earlier. Wake up earlier.

7. Write more.

8. I don't know when I would have the time, but I would love to start volunteering for the SPCA again.

9. Don't try to make people understand. Just accept that some people have not been through things I have been through, and therefore do not understand the emotions and the process.

10. In therapy on Thursday, tell her everything. Even if I'm scared. I will feel better.

11. Take care of myself better. This means, eating better and healthier. Not letting my anxiety overtake me, and reaching out for help when I need to.

Ok...GO!

quote from a survivor website

"I began to think about the mechanism of what he had done to me: where he had isolated me, I make friends; where he had silenced me, I express myself in every way I could think of; where he made me freeze with fear I learn to move, with grace and expression; where he had destroyed my ability to think I follow a train of thought through, in as many different directions as possible.
Then I realized that I had the capacity to turn everything he had aimed at me into something positive for myself: where there was hate, I turn it into self care for myself; where there was violence I turn that into gentle regard for myself; where there was fear I turn that into courage."

This is so powerful. And so true. I need to write this down and carry it with me every where I go.

Comfort

Sorry if this is cheesy or strange.
It's how I feel (which tends to be cheesy and strange).

It seems forever that I have felt this way. That I have had this insatiable craving to be comforted. I crave for someone to hold me. To rub my back, stroke my hair, and just hold me. And not for two minutes, but for a long time. It sounds so safe and warm. I did not get many hugs and "I love yous" when I was growing up, unless I did something really great. Maybe that is why I crave it so much. And I know every human being craves physical comfort and touch, but I feel like I crave it more than the average person. Maybe because I have never been in a relationship, maybe because I have never been with someone. Because I don't have many friends. Because I spend 50% of my time isolating alone in my house. Because I was hurt when I was younger and now I crave safe touch. I don't expect this comfort to just fall in my lap. I know it does not work like that. You have to find it and ask for it. I know I cannot continue to whine about this and expect it to just happen. I have to put myself out there.

I keep wanting to say..."but it's hard and scary, and I don't know how".
I need to delete those words and sayings from my life. I just need to do it. Now.